Category: On Tour (page 1 of 6)

DC Back in the Fold in a “Major” Way, and Tour Championship Insanity

Thoughts on another rainy day here while waiting to have a roofer perform leaks to my roof for the second week running:

The PGA of America rolled out a major announcement involving its championships and Congressional CC:

To borrow one of their old marketing terms, this is major.  Let’s go to the video:

KPMG LPGA Championship: 2022, 2027

Senior PGA Championship: 2025, 2033

Junior PGA Championship: 2024

PGA Club Professional Championship: 2029

PGA Championship: 2031

Ryder Cup: 2036

Staggering.  Badly needed.  I’ve written previously how the PGA Tour leaving this area with their revamped 2018-19 “wrap-around” season was one of the dumber things they’ve done (more on that later), and in comes the PGA of America with 8 championships to be held at Congressional.  That Keith Foster (h/t to Brandon Porath for letting me know about this) will ‘hopefully’ redo Congressional and undo much of Rees Jones’ work is the whipped cream and cherry on top of a delicious sundae.

Let’s start with the LPGA.  Their tour should be playing the best courses in the world (this includes majors).  They’ve played at Oakmont for a US Open (Christina Kim raved about Oakmont; good enough for me) and Pinehurst #2.  Pebble Beach should be on their rota of US Open venues.  The women can, and should be playing the same rota of courses as the men.  Their tour is more than capable and deserves it.

The Senior PGA comes back twice (RTJ is more than worthy if they want a venue in Virginia) and they get the same; iconic course in a big media market.

The Junior and PGA Club Professional events aren’t high-profile but holding them at Congressional is a nice signal that they want to upgrade the caliber of courses.  Good for them.

The PGA Championship and the Ryder Cup speak for themselves.  The Ryder Cup is very much a ‘one shot’ deal (not to get too far ahead but by September (please let September be dry that year) of 2036 Patrick Reed will be 46, Rory McIlroy will be 47 which is that sweet spot for captains).   Assuming the PGA Championship doesn’t move off its new May slot, in DC May ‘can’ be really nice and is typically devoid of the swamp-ass humidity of summer (hopefully concurrent with a deep Capitals run to the Conference Final where they lose to my beloved Leafs while the Nationals get off to a roaring start).

Tour Championship:

The announcement today about changes for the 2019 Tour Championship are, at best, foolhardy and at worst, the single dumbest idea in professional sports.  From the Golfweek article:

The player who has the most FedEx Cup points after next season’s BMW Championship will start the first round of the 2019 Tour Championship with a score of 10 under par and a two-shot lead over the second-highest FedEx Cup point earner who will begin at 8 under. The player ranked third will start at 7 under, while the golfers who arrive at East Lake in fourth and fifth will start at 6 under and 5 under, respectively.  The next five players on the list will begin at 4 under par, with scores regressing by one shot for every five golfers until the players who enter the Tour Championship ranked between 26th and 30th start the events at even par on the first day.

Drinking bleach sounds better than this steaming turd.

I have spent two days trying to come up with anything remotely close to it in terms of a comparable.  The pro tennis tours wouldn’t let the #1 player start up 2-0 in the first set.  Track & field doesn’t let the fastest qualifier have a 10 meter head start.  No professional team sport lets a team start a game up in score over the other team.  You know who did this?

The original American Gladiators (the one that started in 1989).

Take that in.  The PGA Tour looked at American Gladiators and thought “hey, they’ve got something there.”

So that’s where professional golf is.  The obvious answer of having a match play Tour Championship doesn’t work for TV because they’re afraid of a bad final match-up (I’m just spit-balling here, but if your top 30 players can’t produce a decent final round that will get eyeballs, that’s not exactly a ringing endorsement of your marketing efforts).  So we’ll rule that out because of…reasons.

The other option is play a Wed-Sat 72 hole event, and the top 4 (or 6) make the Final Round; a one-round low-score wins it all deal (easy to market; 4 or 6 players, one round, low score wins the Tour Championship and the $15 million).  If you go to the top 6 and want to reward season-long excellence, give the top 1 (or 2) finishers in the standings an automatic berth in the Final Round.  A top seed earning a bye?  Yeah, there’s a ton of evidence showing this happening in other sports.  If you want to give the top seed something, let them pick who they play with in the Final Round and if they go out in the first or second group (maybe you pick a couple guys who you’re comfortable with rather than a couple guys you don’t get on with).

Another idea is a form of gradual elimination.  Start by playing 2 rounds of ‘qualifiers’ (like the first two rounds at most events) and let the top half advance into the next stage (giving the top 2 or 4 finishers an automatic bye into the next stage- their benefit after a long season is a less grueling path to the Final Round), and then have 2 rounds of single-round eliminations.  Say you get the top 30 whittled down after 2 days to the top 14 or 16.  Round 3 cuts it down to 10, round 4 cuts it to 6, and then the top 6 play a Final Round for everything.  It’s about elevating your game for the playoffs.  I’m pretty sure I’ve heard athletes talk about that before.

You could play the Tour Championship on the West Coast (nothing against East Lake) and finish in prime time on the East Coast on either Sunday or Monday (start on Golf Channel, switch to NBC).  It’s not like the TV landscape in late August is over-run with better options unless the orgy of so-called reality TV shows and reruns has some grand appeal.

The argument that is being made is down to what value does the regular season have?   Does being the best player over the course of a long season matter as opposed to a ‘playoff’ system that the Tour seems to want.  In team sports, it’s the team that performs best in the playoffs that wins the championship.  In the NFL, a 14-2 regular season record is great but teams have lost Super Bowls to teams with 9-7 records.  Is the 14-2 team better because of their record over a 17-week regular season or is a 9-7 team better because in the Super Bowl they were the better team on that day?  Note- either case has valid points.  What you can’t do is say to the 14-2 team that you’re going to start the Super Bowl up 14-0 over the 9-7 team.

That, dear reader, is what the PGA Tour is trying to do.  They want their Super Bowl, but they want to give the team with the best record a head start.  It’s a terrible idea; the Tour and its fans deserve better.

 

 

REVEALED- The Secret Ryder Cup Selection Meetings (SHHHHH)!

Image result for us ryder cup team photos

The 2006 US Ryder Cup Team photo. Majestic in its earth-tones (photo property of Alamy).

As everyone takes a collective breath from the thrilling conclusion that was the final round of the 100th USPGA Championship at Bellerive, the next major event in the golf calendar is the Ryder Cup from September 28-30 in France (no disrespect to the FedEx Cup Playoffs, but the Ryder Cup is something else entirely different).  The US will be looking to win on foreign soil in a Ryder Cup for the first time since 1993 while Europe will want to reclaim the trophy away from the US team.

With qualifying for Ryder Cup spots completed, this means that 8 of the 12 spots on the US team are filled, leaving Jim Furyk in charge of picking the last 4 spots in early September.  The players who have qualified so far are as follows: Brooks Koepka, Dustin Johnson, Justin Thomas, Patrick Reed, Bubba Watson, Jordan Spieth, Rickie Fowler, and Webb Simpson.

Players being considered for the last 4 spots are (in order of ranking) Bryson Dechambeau, Phil Mickelson, Tiger Woods, Xander Schauffele, Matt Kuchar, Kevin Kisner, Tony Finau, Kyle Stanley, Bryan Harman, Kevin Na, Gary Woodland and Zach Johnson.  Jimmy Walker (#24) and JB Holmes (#31) are also rumored to being considered.

In order to make the best decision possible, Jim Furyk with his assistant captain Steve Stricker conducted interviews with each player.  They were supposed to be private, but SGIC spies were successful in planting a wireless microphone and obtained tapes of those conversations; the transcriptions appear below.  And lordy, there are tapes.

Jim Furyk (JF): Well, Steve, we really have a tough job ahead of us today.  We have 14 world-class professionals to talk to for only 4 spots.  Any thoughts?

Steve Stricker (SS): Yeah. Just do what I did last year.  Take the best players.  Why are you overthinking this?  Didn’t Alan Shipnuck say we were in an era of US dominance?  I mean, he’s smart, right?

JF: Seriously?  That International Team was awful.  Hal Sutton could have put his cowboy hat back on and captained our boys to a win.  The Europeans are a lot better so we have to be stronger from 1-12.  Speaking of which, how do you think I’d look in a cowboy hat.

SS: Ridiculous.

JF: I disagree.

SS: Well, let’s talk to these guys and see what they have to say.

JF: Sounds good.  Bryson, come on in.

Bryson Dechambeau comes in wearing his trademark Hogan cap, a lab coat and carrying several scientific instruments.

JF: Bryson, why do you think you should be a captain’s pick for the 2018 Ryder Cup team?

Bryson Dechambeau: Well, I won the Memorial Tournament this year, and I won a US Amateur before turning professional and my calculations show that my chakra will come into peak bloom in late September.  My strokes gained average is up nearly a stroke over last year.

JF: And then what happened?

BD: Things went okay, I guess.  I mean, I finished 9th in the standings behind Webb Simpson!

SS: Minus your temper tantrum.  Finishing behind Webb isn’t really a selling point.

There’s a door exploding as Tiger Woods kicks the door in holding two cans of Monster energy drink…he drinks one of the cans in one large chug and throws the empty at Bryson’s head.

Tiger Woods (TW): Oh, that’s nice nerd boy. You won a US Amateur.  I have 3 of those.  In a row.  You won the Memorial?  Isn’t that nice.  I’ve won it 5 times.

BD: You’re also a lot older than me.

TW: And better.

JF: Tiger, if you can just wait your turn, we’ll get to everyone.

TW: (grabs other can of Monster, chugs it in one move) Jim, you will put me on the team. NOW.

JF: I don’t know.  Steve, what do you think?

SS: Tiger, how does your back feel?  Can you hold up for all 3 days?

TW: I don’t know (loud noise as he turns his hat around, chugs a 4th can and proceeds to bench press an 800 pound anvil that just happened to be in the room).  Pretty good I suppose.

JF: Tiger, I’m concerned because you’ve only been a part of one winning Ryder Cup team.

TW: I’m not. Jim, the only reason you have two Ryder Cup wins to my one win is because I was injured in 2008 after I won the US Open on a broken leg.  You know damn well I’d have been on the team.

JF: I shot a 59 and a 58.

TW: 14 majors, not counting my 3 US Amateur wins.

JF: I won a US Open.  I mean, doesn’t everyone have a US Open win?

A loud “screw you both” is heard from outside the room in a voice that sounds very much like Phil Mickelson’s voice.

SS: Guys, come on. This isn’t working.  Bryson, how are you going to handle hostile crowds in France?  A European Ryder Cup crowd can be pretty daunting.

BD: Well, I did a statistical regression analysis on that and my analysis shows that their crowds are actually quite tame.

SS: Your stats are wrong.

JF: You’ll have to give up that stupid Hogan cap if selected.

BD: Wow…that’s a total buzzkill.  Wouldn’t the entire team look good wearing those?

TW: Only if we wear blade collars.

SS: No Hogan caps, no blade collars, and ixnay on the Miz-zay.

JF: Bryson, I’m really concerned that their fans are going to get under your skin.  Hopefully none of the players in contention for captains picks have done anything that’s garnered worldwide ridicule this summer…

(Noise coming from outside the room getting progressively louder playing “Ole, Ole Ole Ole, Ole, Ole”).  Phil Mickelson, wearing a bolero jacket, chaps, a KPMG cap and a dress shirt strolls in while dancing.  The dancing goes on for several minutes much to the annoyance of everyone in the room.

Phil Mickelson: Hey, everybody!  Who’s ready to defend our Ryder Cup win from 2016?

All: Phil, no. Just, no.

PM: Come on guys.  Jim, I called the Mizzen and Main guys to have some stuff worked up for this year.  You KNOW you want this.

TW: Does Mizzen and Main now do blade collars?  Let’s say I’m asking for a friend.

PM: I don’t know, Tiger.  Let me ask them (the audio sounds like he’s pulling out his cellphone); Siri, call Mizzen and Main.

JF: No, Phil, I don’t.  We already have uniforms.  Steve, was he like this last year?

SS: No; he was busy taking selfies after the 41st straight time Kuchar beat him in ping pong.  Honestly I just let Tiger do half the pairings; I couldn’t find him a pet squirrel.

TW: Steve’s good at taking suggestions.  Actually, Jim, I have an idea.  How about you just let me run things.

PM: Jim, I swear if you make us wear that godforsaken Chiliwear crap, my press conference after Sunday’s singles will make my 2014 rant look tame.

TW: Does Chiliwear offer a blade collar option?

JF: Not going to let that one die, are you.

TW: Not a chance, unless you decide to pick Club Pro Guy as an assistant captain.

JF: Okay, you three go sit in the room next door while I call in the next candidates.

Xander Schauffele, Matt Kuchar, Kevin Kisner and Tony Finau walk in.

JF: Who are you people?

Xander (XS): I won the Tour Championship last year.

Matt Kuchar (MK): I almost won the Open Championship last year and I’m the best ping pong player on tour.  Ask Phil.

Kevin Kisner (KK): I’m competitive every week.

Tony Finau (TF): I rolled my ankle at Augusta and still finished T10 and I’m usually on the first or second page of leaderboards. Perhaps you’d like a display of strength and agility…

JF: Please don’t.

MK: Lest we forget, Phil and I have done pretty well as partners since Keegan Bradley is only seen on the side of milk cartons these days.

XS: I’ve been competitive in all 4 majors.

KK: I tied for 2nd at the British Open.

JF: Let me think about it.  Who else is out there?

Kevin Na, Gary Woodland, Zach Johnson, JB Holmes and Jimmy Walker walk in.

JF: Hi fellas.  Why are you all here?

Zach Johnson (ZJ): Well, speaking as the only guy with multiple majors, we think you should consider one or more of us for those captain’s selections.  You need someone who’s won a major overseas.

JB Holmes (JB): And someone with Ryder Cup experience.

Jimmy Walker (JW): I’d say a PGA Championship win is what you need.

Kevin Na (KN): People will literally stab themselves in the eye to avoid playing with me.

JB: Me too!  Apparently people hate it when I take 4 minutes to lay up.

KN: Or become a weapons-grade head case on the tee.

JF: JB, just leave. Please. Now.

JB: C’mon…

TW from adjacent room: JB, I think you were asked to leave. I still have a few cans of Monster over here. I think it’s best you leave now.

(JB Holmes leaves room muttering to himself)

ZJ: Why do people throw Propecia at me?

TW: Beats me, but if you don’t want it I know someone who will take it off your hands.

Gary Woodland (GW): How about some feats of strength to decide this?

JF: I’ve made up my mind.

SS: Thanks for including me in your thought process.

JF: Thanks for being overly passive-aggressive.

SS: Whatever. Ask me what it’s like to captain a US side to victory.

JF: Okay, here’s how it goes.  Tiger, Phil, Kuchar, and Xander.  You guys are in.  Everyone else, thanks for coming.  Zach, I’d like to have you be an assistant captain.  Tony, you’re my 13th man so if anyone withdraws or gets hurt prior, you’re in the team.

BD: Seriously?

JF: Yes.  Everyone, thanks for showing up today. Let’s all remember that regardless of anything, we all want the US to win in Paris and bring the Ryder Cup back home.

SS: What we really need is someone we can all rally against.

JF: I agree.

SS: Someone who will really cause the team to work together.

JF: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

SS: I am.

JF:  Great. It’s good to know that with everything going on, we still have one person who we can call on who we know will get the team properly motivated to go out there motivated to show them.

SS: You want me to call or do you want to call?

JF:  Let’s do it together.  We’ll use my phone.

JF/SS together: “Hey, Brandel, we need your help!”

SONG OF THE DAY #1

Johnny Marr still has the heater.

SONG OF THE DAY #2

Australian Rugby League hasn’t always been the biggest bunch of geniuses on the planet, but this is some legendary stuff.  This is an OFFICIAL promotion. The 80s’ were weird, man.

The LPGA in the DMV Makes Perfect Sense (an open letter to Mike Whan)

Your faithful scribe, hard at work.

Dear Mike,

First off, let me congratulate you on the work you’ve done in your time as LPGA Commissioner.  I’d argue that the LPGA is the most watchable professional golf circuit, and the closest thing to a true global circuit.  Leader-boards often look like a UN meeting is breaking out.  It’s good for the global game, and good for the sport.  The women who make up the Tour are fantastic ambassadors for sport and their game.

As you’re probably aware, your cohort (Jay Monahan) at the PGA Tour announced their 2018-19 wraparound schedule, which puts an end to the DMV (District of Columbia, Maryland, northern Virginia) hosting a professional golf tournament in 2019.  We’re all fully aware you have an event in Williamsburg, but that’s not really an option for most people in the area.  So let’s talk about the market.  When you combine the DC and Baltimore markets, they add up to 3.6 million households (2.5 million in DC and the Virginia suburbs, another 1.1 million from Baltimore and surrounding areas).  If you combine them, that’s the third largest US television market (they kick Chicago out from the 3rd spot), and they have zip to look forward to in terms of professional golf next year.

I should also mention that when you look at the richest counties in the country based on a 2016 survey, the DC area has the top three spots.  Loudoun and Fairfax Counties in Virginia, Howard County in Maryland.  Overall, the area is home to 10 of the top 25 counties based on median household income.  We play golf pretty much year-round unless the courses are closed.  If it’s above freezing and the courses aren’t snow-covered, people will play.  Same for the swamp-like summers.  I mean, what’s a little heat stroke among friends, right?

Did I mention we like sports?  Washington is a true 4-sport city, and not sure you noticed, but the Capitals won the Stanley Cup this past June.  The entire area joined the players on a multi-day bender afterwards.  We also have several colleges including a service academy nearby in Annapolis.  The Nationals just hosted the All Star Game.  The Wizards are a playoff team.  There’s an NFL team that plays in Landover…yeah never mind (the Ravens in Baltimore have won a Super Bowl this decade).  This area has supported the PGA Tour stop in the face of every possible obstacle including every possible weather event short of snow (that’s this area’s Achilles heel and we know it).  People showed up in the aftermath of a derecho that caused massive problems including volunteers.  Admit it- you’re looking up what a derecho is.  We all learned about this 5 years ago.  We didn’t show up the day after because the Tour didn’t let fans on the course because of safety concerns.  If they had, we’d have shown up.

The point is this- this area loves golf and has a proven record of supporting tournaments in spite of barriers put in front of us.  You should be putting the DMV on your tournament calendar.  Okay, you get the area is lucrative.  But let’s talk where to play; and it’s an impressive list.

Are there decent golf courses that can stage an event?  You bet your ass!  In Virginia, RTJ has hosted the Quicken Loans open and hosted multiple President Cup matches.  Laurel Hill is a public course that hosted a USGA Championship.  Creighton Farms should also merit a look if it has the space for the infrastructure a tournament needs.

Maryland has Bulle Rock (it hosted the LPGA Championship for several years in the 2000’s).  It’s still a tough test.  Closer to DC, you also have options.  Congressional’s list of tournaments and championships is as solid as it gets but their members are an odd lot.  Nearby, TPC Potomac just hosted the men in 2017 and 2018.  The golf course at the University of Maryland hosted a Web.com event for a couple years after a 2008 renovation.  Any dates after school lets out would probably work.  Worthington Manor has hosted US Open qualifiers and is a public course.  Baltimore CC (Five Farms) hosted the inaugural LPGA Crown event and remains one of those classic courses that could host an event on short notice.

Or, if you really want to swing for the fences, let’s talk about the District of Columbia.  Specifically, Rock Creek Park.  Sure, it’s not long or tough enough to challenge professionals.  But think about what might happen if you went into partnership (think the USGA with Bethpage Black)?  At the very least, take a look at it.  Admit it- you’re intrigued because you think big.

Weather-wise, July and August aren’t the best (admittedly it gets hot and humid not to mention thunder storms) but then again- your tour hits south Asia which makes DC heat/humidity look refreshing by comparison.  I know September and October are tough because you’re up against football and I know Portland has the Labor Day slot (and admittedly that’s a beautiful city).  But you could make it work.  May, on the other hand…that’s some fine weather.  Starting to warm up but not yet getting killed with the humidity.

The point is this: Putting a tournament in DC right before/after the Williamsburg event is easy travel for your players, and normally May is pretty nice here as I already noted.  So let’s do this.  It’ll be great.

 

 

Monday After The US Open Hot Topics

So after roughly 80 bazillion picks of who will/won’t/might/maybe contend at this week’s US Open at Shinnecock Hills, the winner was Brooks Koepka, otherwise known as the same guy who won last year.

But unfortunately, it wasn’t exactly a week of smooth sailing.  Traffic (who knew that summer traffic in a summer destination was going to be an issue other than the millions of people who live/work/vacation in the area), course set-up, and a host of other issues got everyone riled up.  Rather than offer my opinions, I’m ceding the floor to Golf Twitter to argue the issues of the week.

Issue: Phil Mickelson’s attempt at playing polo on 13 on Saturday was a disgrace and he should have been DQ on the spot and drawn & quartered.  Or he was making a comment about the course conditions.  Let’s go to the evidence.

For: He deliberately hit a moving ball to keep it from running off the green!

Against: The USGA gave him a 2-stroke penalty as prescribed by the rules.

For: Several players weren’t exactly happy with this.  They typically don’t sound off en masse unless something goes completely off the rails (see Johnson, Dustin in 2016).

Against: He’s Phil Mickelson.  It was his birthday!  Fans love the guy!  Fans don’t care what the haters think.

For: Oh, so the rules don’t apply to beloved players.  His explanation was…well, you watch it.

Against: He wasn’t going to win so what’s the big deal?  Shut up!  Phil’s awesome!

For: Have you heard of protecting the field?

Against: Dummy says what?

For: He should have done the honorable thing and WD on Saturday night.

Against: He offered to and the USGA said no.  Says his wife Amy.

Resolved: We disagree.  Brendan Porath has a pretty smart take here.  I also think John Feinstein gets it right (his words, not mine):

Here are two things that are crystal clear: First, Mickelson embarrassed himself with his sprint, spin and putt while his bogey putt was still rolling. Second, the USGA, already having a bad day because of the way Shinnecock Hills was set up, embarrassed itself further by not disqualifying Mickelson the instant he smugly told the media his act was intentional.

Issue: The USGA’s course set-up went off the rails.  Again.

For: When you look at every foul-up or controversy at a men’s US Open, the problem can be traced back to course set-up.  Golf Channel certainly didn’t mince words.

Against: It’s the National Championship!  It’s supposed to be hard!  Who wants to see someone win with 20 under as a score?

For: The USGA admitted that they lost the course on Saturday and several players agreed.

Against: Oh great, now the players are turning into snowflakes because the course is a bit difficult.  Why not just get rid of all the rough and give everyone a trophy?  I want it harder!

For: The greens were dead.  Again.  After pinkie-swearing that there would not be a repeat of 2004.  They lost them in 2016, 2015, 2014.  Merion was lambasted in 2013.

Against: US Open is supposed to be hard. HULK SMASH.  Put bears in the fairway and land sharks in the rough.  MUST MAKE HARD.  What- they can’t play in wind anymore?  Winning score should be 20 over par so that us regular golfers can relate!

For:  It was windier than they expected.  In an area that is known to be windy.  Apparently with all this technology they literally can’t forecast wind a day in advance.

Against: It’s the National Championship, not some random tournament.

For: You can create a difficult challenge without stressing out greens.

Against: NO YOU CAN’T.  They should be stimping out at 20.  I WANT CARNAGE!!!

For: The Masters, Open Championship and USPGA manage course set-up without turning greens into parking lots.

Against: Did I stutter?  I WANT CARNAGE!  Tears, blood, and everything unfair.  It’s our national championship and it should be hard!

For: It already is.

Against: No it’s not.  I want a literal bloodbath.  I want a 79 to be the low score of the week.  I want to see scores in the 100’s.  9,000 yard courses, bunkers with poisonous snakes, 5-yard wide fairways.  AHHHHH!

For:  In that case they should just change the putting surfaces to concrete.

Against: Now you’re talking!

Resolved: Somewhere between last year’s event and this year, the USGA can and should create a difficult test that involves something more than lightning-fast greens.  Luckily they should not need to do much to Pebble Beach for 2019.

Issue: Fans at the US Open behave inappropriately.

For: You don’t see this in Augusta or at the Open Championship.

Against: Mashed Potatoes! Dilly Dilly!

For: This isn’t the Ryder Cup.

Against: U!S!A!  Hey look it’s Poulter….boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

For: Maybe a few less beers.

Against: Baba Booey!  Look at me everyone!

For: Seriously…can you not?

Against: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Killjoy.  Stop being a hater, broheim.

Resolved: The 2024 Ryder Cup is going to be a gong show.

Issue: Fox completed their 4th US Open so only 8 more years of this.

For: Their production and their technical advances are outstanding.

Against: Joe Buck.

For: Shane Bacon was outstanding.

Against: The Bill Hemmer interview during the 2nd round was a special kind of tone-deaf stupidity you only get from Fox.

For: Brad Faxon was outstanding.  Not flashy, but does a solid job of telling the viewer something they probably don’t know.

Against: Picking up player-caddie discussions are great. Fan discussions about their…ahem…partners isn’t.  Who thought this was a good idea?

For: Mike Davis appeared at the end of the 3rd round and took the hit for the course setup.

Against: Seriously.  Get rid of Joe Buck.  While you’re at it, tell Paul Azinger to drop the Grumpy Old Man bit.

Resolved: If Fox feels like they need him around, push Buck into a host role (think Bob Costas when NBC had the US Open) and find a competent 18th hole tower announcer.  Maybe Shane Bacon is the answer, maybe he’s not.  Think beyond the norm.  Some people are good at golf. Buck isn’t.  It’s been four years of USGA events; he’s not going to get better.  It’s just not his thing.

SONG OF THE DAY

30 years ago today I went with some friends to see Depeche Mode at the Rose Bowl in California.  Good times, minus the five couples around me who broke up (including the couple I went with), and two people projectile vomiting in the sink of the men’s washroom.   Enjoy.

 

The Crossover of Crossovers- Stanley Cup Playoff Games on Golf Channel (a helpful explainer)

2003 Masters Champion Mike Weir dropping the puck at a Leafs-Flyers playoff game in 2003. This really happened.

Lost amid Patrick Reed winning The Masters on Sunday night (along with the coveted Green Jacket, $1.98 million in prize money, and the chance to have the 2019 Champions Dinner catered by McDonalds, Hardees and Domino’s) was the conclusion of the NHL regular season and the announcement of first round playoff dates/times and TV (Boston had a makeup game with Florida that finalized the pairings; otherwise the regular season was supposed to have ended on Saturday the 7th).

NBC, unlike the other network that shows golf (CBS), has managed to intertwine its afternoon NHL coverage successfully; the Sunday afternoon regular season games end on time and they’re able to transition over to golf coverage with minimal delay (unlike CBS’ college basketball coverage during the PGA Tour West Coast swing which ran late every single weekend).  Let’s just pretend that their 2007 decision to dump out of a Conference Final playoff game to show a horse racing pregame show never happened.  I point this out because if you take a look at the NHL schedule for the first round, you notice that two games are slated to air on Golf Channel (both games on April 18; New Jersey/Tampa followed by Anaheim/San Jose).  This is real; it’s not some delayed April Fool’s Day joke.

I suppose it’s similar to how NCAA basketball fans feel when they have to look for TruTV.

NHL fans have gotten used to NBC putting games on USA Network and CNBC in the first/second round, but Golf Channel’s deployment is a new thing.  While there are many hockey fans who watch golf (and vice versa), many people many not know what (or why, for that matter) Golf Channel is and why it exists.  It went on the air in January of 1995, founded by the late Arnold Palmer (sort of like if Gordie Howe started the NHL Network).  It was acquired by NBC/Comcast several years ago.  Golf Channel has never deviated from showing golf (other than endless airings of either Caddyshack, Happy Gilmore, Bagger Vance, The Greatest Game Ever Played, Bobby Jones/Strokes of Genius or The Squeeze).

While there are many differences between the PGA, LPGA, Champions (Senior), European Tours and the NHL, there are some similarities.  So in the interest of helping fellow hockey fans who may be curious about Golf Channel and the similarities between golf and hockey, I humbly offer an a primer.  You’re welcome.

Point of Contention Hockey Golf
Annoying old man who spends too much time hanging around much to the annoyance of most people who wish he’d do it less Don Cherry Donald Trump
Movie that fans can quote pretty much verbatim that made a horrible sequel nobody wants to acknowledge Slap Shot Caddyshack
Movie with dozens of inaccuracies people love to hate Youngblood Happy Gilmore
Annoying guy with a checkered past named Patrick Patrick Kane Patrick Reed
Beloved player who can’t win the country’s most important event and has failed repeatedly on a grand and tragic scale Alex Ovechkin Phil Mickelson
Studio Analyst that drives most fans off the wall Mike Milbury Brandel Chamblee
Rules Concept that exists that nobody understands Goaltender Interference Anchoring the putter
Rule that will immediately start an argument Getting Rid of Fighting Rolling the Ball Back
Annoying Analytics that a lot of fans wish people would shut up about Corsi/Fenwick/PDO Strokes Gained
Crossover figure who plays the other sport very well NHL Official Garret Rank Mike Weir, Graham DaLaet
Lightning Rod Game Analyst “shut up about it” go-to phrase Pierre McGuire “When I was an assistant coach with the Pittsburgh Penguins…” Johnny Miller “In 1973 at Oakmont when I shot my 63”
Phrase you hear that makes you want to stab your eyes out “Respect the Game” “Protect the Field”
Annoying Team Competition that really brings out the worst in fans Olympics Ryder Cup
Catch phrase from a main announcer you hate “WAFFLEBOARD!” “Hello Friends”
Played-out rivalry no serious fan cares about Ovechkin/Crosby Tiger/Phil
Potential International Rivalry Connor McDavid/Auston Matthews Patrick Reed/Rory McIlroy
Annoying Fan Behavior #1 Lower Bowl fan on cell phone waving at camera BABA BOOEY, DILLY DILLY, MASHED POTATOES.
Annoying Fan Behavior #2 Throwing things on the ice Calling to report a rules violation
Beloved analyst with crossover appeal Bob McKenzie David Feherty
Schtick you want to see fired into the sun Multiple outdoor games in a season Big Break
Variation from the game that inspires passions on both sides 3 on 3, 4 on 4 Match play, 2-man team golf
Hated figure running the game Gary Bettman The USGA
Best Trophy Stanley Cup Claret Jug
Amateur jerk move Beer league player with a tinted visor 20-handicapper with a pro staff bag
Asshole amateur tactic Ringers Sandbaggers

 

Time To Take Out The Trash

These guys don’t want you to be a drunk asshole. So don’t.

The 2018 Golf Season hasn’t started for your faithful scribe because of multiple issues that I’m choosing to keep private for now (you can DM me on Twitter if you really want to know).  This Winter That Will Not End is part of it.  Having said that, for the pro tours it’s been full speed ahead.  The list of winners on the PGA and LPGA Tours has been flat out impressive.  Ratings are up, the game is in pretty good stead as we had for the first majors of 2018 (this week in Rancho Mirage, and next week at Augusta).

Unfortunately, we have to talk about a problem.  Golfweek was the first to bring it up on a major platform a couple weeks ago, and again in this past weekend’s WGC Dell Matchplay we had an incident with a fan yelling in James Hahn’s backswing, and his reaction was what you might expect.

The problem is the golf fan who is equal parts over-served and over-entitled.

It’s bad enough when this so-called fan shows up at the Ryder Cup with a witches’ brew of faux-patriotism, intoxication and entitlement while consumed with the idea that screaming random crap in someone’s backswing is somehow acceptable (it’s not).  For this to become a weekly occurrence (almost every week this is happening) is beyond inexcusable.

It didn’t start with recent Ryder Cups.  We have John Daly’s fans to thank; it started out with them yelling “YOUUUDAMANNNN” as he’d unleash some gargantuan drive.  And if that was the end of it, we wouldn’t be here.  Unsatisfied with that simple bit of boorishness, it morphed into Howard Stern show time, with people yelling “BABABOOEY” (the nickname for show producer Gary Dell’abate).  Then people just started yelling random crap (Mashed Potatoes being particularly popular), and it’s devolved to where we are now; a game of going one step further than the previous batch of idiots.

It’s one thing when it happens at the Waste Management Open (that event is a bit different and I’ve taken a “it is what it is” approach; players feel the same way), but it’s become a regular occurrence that lost its humor or novelty a long time ago.

When our drunk golf bro got on Justin Thomas at the Honda Classic, the answer should have been having the tournament host (that being Jack Nicklaus) give the guy the heave-ho.  Or have Jack say something along the lines of “don’t act like a jerk at my event” if you will.  Tiger doing the same at his event at Riviera would go a long way.

The price of a ticket entitles you to watch the best players in the world do what they do.  It does not entitle you to disrupt other fans and yell in their backswing, or heckle them.  This is golf, and it’s different.

What’s funny is that you don’t see this idiot at LPGA events, which for that reason alone makes them more watchable.  The crowds are more knowledgeable and there to see great golf (I’ll admit I haven’t watched that much of the Champions Tour so I can’t comment).

So the PGA Tour has to start policing fans.  It’s sad that we’re at this point, but we are.  The thing about golf is that players police themselves, and for years fans could be counted on to do the same.  This isn’t the case anymore.  The Tour is going to have to start tossing people.  Use CCTV footage.  Marshals should be able to identify the guilty and send the guilty packing.  Tickets should have verbiage that explains this policy and that they should expect to see it enforced.

Rory McIlroy suggested limiting alcohol sales would be a good idea (don’t disagree), but there’s nothing stopping Golf Bro from getting his (and it always his) load on in the parking lot.  Having said that, the overall idea of monitoring the obviously over-served would do everyone a favor (start with ensuring they have a sober ride home).

Still disagree?  You don’t see any of this at the Masters, and you hear the roars for great shots.  See the difference?  A roar when someone hits a great shot isn’t a bad thing.  Talking trash to a player or distracting them in their backswing is pure garbage.  Nobody is going to watch the Masters next weekend and think that some golf bro yelling ‘MASHED POTATOES’ in someone’s backswing is something they need.

SONG OF THE DAY

11 days until the start of the playoffs.  This number from The Arkells…oh hell yes.

 

When You Are The Slow Play Problem

Last weekend’s Farmers Insurance Open should have been remembered for Tiger Woods returning to competitive golf and posting a better-than-expected finish in the top 30 and Jason Day winning in a 6-hole playoff that finished on Monday due to darkness on Sunday night.  Unfortunately, what most die-hard types are talking about are the beyond-ridiculous four minutes and ten seconds it took for JB Holmes to play his second shot on 18 on Sunday.

You read this correctly; it took JB four minutes and ten seconds to play one shot.  For the record, if someone I got stuck playing with pulled this, they’re getting left behind.

Golf already has a litany of issues; adding a televised slow play meltdown at a time when CBS was cutting into their coverage of the Grammy Awards was at best terrible.  When Jim Nantz calls you out on live TV (he might have had an early dinner reservation for all I know, but still) for slow play, there’s a problem never mind all the people who wanted to watch the Grammy Awards getting pissed His fellow tour pros called him out on Twitter (calling him in his face en masse afterwards would have been preferable).  The final threesome took six hours to finish and finished more than a hole and a half behind the group in front of them (at most public courses you’d have the marshal/player assistant/golf police drop the hammer).  People wonder why slow play is a problem; it’s because people see this on TV and when they go to their local course they do the same crap (glacial pace of play, taking forever to read a green when putting, etc.).

Making matters worse, Holmes responded with something along the lines of not knowing he had a homework assignment due.  He didn’t know how long he was taking was his actual excuse, which is some straight up bad etiquette.  Again, pull this at any public course and the other people in your group and the marshal/ranger is going to light you up (and they should).

The solution is simple; the rules say it’s 40 seconds to pull a club and complete your shot.  Two warnings, then a stroke penalty.  Anything longer than 60 seconds is an automatic stroke penalty.  Three stroke penalties in a tournament and it’s an automatic DQ.  Two DQ’s in a season and you’re ineligible for the FedEx Cup Playoffs.  Three and you lose your card and are ineligible for sponsor exemptions.  Make Ready Golf mandatory for PGA Tour events.  I’d go so far as to set a daily time par based on the course, weather conditions, and how early/late the player goes out and make finishing outside a threshold of the time par a stroke penalty.  Until you start hitting players where it hurts (on their scorecard, making them ineligible for playoffs and losing their Tour card), you’ll see the same crap every week.

SONG OF THE DAY

NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE.

Your 2018 Majors (and other) Predictions

Your faithful scribe, hard at work.

Now that 2017 is in the rear view mirror and everyone looks at the 2018 season, it’s time to make some (likely wrong) predictions.  First, let’s take a look at my 2017 majors predictions.

NOT Better Than Most.

 

Event My Prediction Actual Winner
Masters Phil Mickelson Sergio Garcia
US Open Rory McIlroy Brooks Koepka
Open Championship Shane Lowry Jordan Spieth
USPGA Championship Dustin Johnson Justin Thomas
ANA Inspiration Christina Kim Ryu So-Yeon
US Womens Open Brooke Henderson Sung Hyun Park
LPGA Championship A. Jutanugarn Danielle Kang
Womens Open Championship Gerina Piller In-Kyung (IK) Kim
Evian Championship Lydia Ko Anna Nordqvist

That’s pretty bad.  In fact, it’s downright terrible.  I wasn’t remotely close.  As much as I’d like to run from this, I can’t.  I could sit here and wallow in my failure and go crawl into a hole to cry softly, or I could knock back a few drinks and take another stab at things.  As with other things, I’m choosing the option involving drinking.  To borrow an old line, the use of these picks as the means for making a wager is, at best, foolhardy and at worst plain stupid.

Masters Tournament:

The “root for the story” pick: Either Rory McIlroy or Tiger.  McIlroy needs a green jacket to complete the career grand slam and Tiger in the hunt on Sunday would move the needle unlike anything we’ve seen in recent memory.  For the record, I don’t know what to think about Tiger’s latest comeback, because frankly we’ve heard this same stuff before.  As of this writing he hasn’t hit a ball in anger in 2018 yet so I’ve no clue about this comeback.

The thinking man’s pick: Dustin Johnson can overpower this course (or anywhere else, really) unlike anything we’ve seen.  If he’s healthy and his putter is working he’s the favorite.  What happened last year (getting injured and having to WD) was incredibly unlucky.  If Jason Day is healthy (and that’s a HUGE if) he’s got the game to win here.

My pick: Six first-time winners in the last seven years (which underlines how hard it is to win a major with so many very good players out there).  I think this continues in 2018 and Jon Rahm wins.  He has the length and I like his short game.  First timers often struggle.  This will be his second Masters.

US Open (Shinnecock):

The “root for the story” pick: Phil Mickelson. Another ‘should have’ from the last time they were here.  The USGA managed to cock up the course by being unable to read a weather forecast and turned the greens into concrete.  They have an entire year to properly set up a golf course for the national championship and manage to screw up more often than not.  If he’s in contention and wins this is THE story of 2018 unless Tiger wins Augusta by 10, and the other majors by 5+ strokes.  It completes the career grand slam for him and gives him the ultimate sendoff.

The thinking man’s pick: Jordan Spieth.  Wind won’t bother him and he’s already won a US Open on a similar course.

My pick:  Your previous winners at Shinnecock are Raymond Floyd, Corey Pavin and Retief Goosen.  Not bombers but guys who can think their way around a course.  I’m going to go out on a big ass limb and predict either Justin Thomas or Rickie Fowler (I think this is the year he finally wins a major).

Open Championship (Carnoustie):

The “root for the story” pick: Either Sergio (should have won in 2007), Tommy Fleetwood or Ian Poulter.

The thinking man’s pick: Justin Rose.  He’s got the game to win, and he was probably unlucky to have not won in Augusta last year.  Paul Casey seems to have found his game.

My pick: Your previous winners at Carnoustie are Padraig Harrington and Paul Lawrie, so the sample size is really difficult.  The weather is always a factor; bad weather on the first two days can easily knock out half the field so it’s really a bit of a lottery.  Having said that, the R&A don’t get worked up about protecting par.  If the winning score is 17 under then fine; if the wind blows and it’s 5 over, then that’s okay as well.  A lot of first-time winners of recent memory and a lot of Americans winning, but not at Carnoustie.  I think this continues.  I think it’ll be a non-US first-timer that wins.  Rafa Cabrera Bello has the length, he played well last year at Birkdale.

US PGA Championship (Bellrieve):

The root for the story pick: Jordan Spieth needs a US PGA Championship to complete the career grand slam.

The thinking man’s pick: Rickie Fowler is way overdue.  Patrick Reed fits the profile of a young American first-time winner and I think he’ll contend.

My pick: First-time major winners galore.  This will be the last US PGA Championship held in August (thankfully); and of course they’re going into the St. Louis area (so expect horrible heat, humidity and likely thunderstorms).  I’ve advocated that the PGA get the hell out of middle America and look West, but they don’t seem to be able to do this.  I’m going with Charley Hoffman who will come out of a competitive and muddled pack to eke out a win.

RYDER CUP:

Unlike a certain writer who thinks we’re into some gilded age of American dominance, I’m not ready to hang the bunting just yet.  The ugly truth is that it’s been 25 years since an US team won in Europe.  I think Europe wins a very closely contested Ryder Cup.

 

 

The 2017 SGIC Plays Santa Awards You Didn’t Want

Screw cookies and milk. I prefer bourbon. And a dozen ProV1’s.

What a year it’s been in golf.  Until things went completely sideways for me, I was set to make my personal goal of playing in every month of a calendar year (so I’ll have to settle for 10 months).  Sergio won a major, Lexi got robbed of one through a call-in rules violation, Jordan Spieth won a crazy Open Championship, Justin Thomas won a major and the FedEx Cup, the US won the Presidents Cup, Lexi won the CME Race to the Globe, and there’s optimism of another comeback from Tiger Woods (he fired his coach last night so there’s that).

Breakfast of Champions. Accept no substitutes.

If it’s late December and close to Christmas, it’s time for my annual Single Golfer In Cart (SGIC) plays Santa day!  Unfortunately I can’t claim it has the cult following of Drew Magary’s annual Haters Guide To The Williams Sonoma Catalog.

After having given this much thought (a few glasses of whiskey), I’ve put on my Santa costume while Santa is delivering presents to good boys and girls and have decided to grant some wishes throughout the world of golf (a mix of local folks in the DMV and on the pro tours).  These gifts aren’t returnable, by the way.  Suck it up.

For Jason Day you’re getting a copy of “Pace of Play and You” which I’d politely suggest you put to use.  I know you’ve had a rough year but you make early 2000’s Sergio Garcia look fast.

For Golf Channel, Santa is giving you the rights to air “Dead Solid Perfect” which remains the finest golf movie ever made.  Every time I have to see Matt Damon or Shia Leboeuf swing a golf club I fear for my own swing.  And seriously, can you air these films unedited?  You’re a cable channel so you’re not under some FCC bullshit decency coda.  Please.

Lake Presidential Golf Club, you’re getting improved playing conditions.  I know you made some improvements but some trusted spies say it’s still not great.  Earn that top-10 “best you can play’ ranking Golfweek keeps giving you.

Phil Mickelson, Santa has decided to give you that US Open win you keep asking for as long as you agree to go immediately into the booth when you finish playing and agree to be the same candid self you are now.

Golfweek Magazine, I’m getting you a new crop of raters.  Your “best you can play” lists are fairly stagnant.  Also, start showing actual reviews and speak to the methodology.

Worthington Manor Golf Course, Santa is giving you intermediate rough.  Use it.  You’re a great track, but seriously- embrace intermediate rough.

The LPGA was very good this year so you’re getting a few things.   Santa is getting you your own video game.  Also, some of your tournaments are getting new formats (a 6-hole event, a 2-player team event, a Stableford event, and a match play event or two).  Lastly, you’re getting a partnership with Top Golf to help get young people exposed to your products.

Timbers at Troy golf course, Santa is giving you improved drainage.  Your course still drains at the rate an 85-year old man pees.  The new bunkers look great.  Do something about the drainage.  I’ve played there on dry mornings when we haven’t had rain for 2 weeks and it’ll still be squishy fairways.  Or stop overwatering.  Seriously.  Do something about it.

The PGA Tour is getting a map of the DMV from Santa.  You’ll notice Virginia, DC and Maryland.  Look at the population, average income, and ask yourselves why you insist on jobbing this area as often as you do.  I mean, the LPGA doesn’t get closer than Williamsburg or Atlantic City.  The area event has constantly been plagued by a litany of issues, and yet every year people show up in large numbers.

The Guys Who Call In To Report Rules Violations are getting a lump of coal, a beating with a bag of hammers and a kick in the groin.  Stop it.  You’re not a rules official, so just stick to watching.

Brandel Chamblee is getting his own “hot talk” or talking head show from Santa.  First guest is Jason Duffner.  I don’t mind Brandel being a bit of a bomb thrower; it’s better than everyone unafraid to have a controversial opinion.

The USGA and the R&A are both getting pocket dictionaries from Santa.  If you turn to the page I’ve flagged, please read the definition for the word Bifurcation.  Study it.  Memorize it.  Live it.  Roll back the ball for the US Open and Open Championship.  The women don’t need this, nor do 99% of golfers.  And while you’re doing that, we’re getting rid of the OB rule for us mortals.  Play it as a lateral hazard.  No more walking back and hitting 3 from the tee.

Last, and certainly not least, Santa is giving local courses a short winter, a good growing season, and a 2018 playing season that runs into December.  And for all of the marshals, teaching professionals, superintendents and their staffs, Santa wishes all of you a very Merry Christmas (or the holiday of your choosing) and a prosperous 2018.

SONG OF THE DAY

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame continues to ignore some highly influential bands and everything that came out of the 80’s New Wave era.  Duran Duran, The Cure, The Smiths, New Order, and Depeche Mode hold up incredibly well.  Three decades later you still have kids ‘discovering’ this music.  At some point they’re going to run out of mediocre old white dude bands and start to induct the New Wave era bands.  Now would be an ideal time.

Where I Break Down the Quiet Feet Infomercial

With much of Golf Twitter having a school cafeteria food fight over the pissing match between Brandel Chamblee and Jason Dufner, we go live to their ongoing feud:

To borrow a phrase from the Brits, their feud is really the stuff of handbags at 10 paces.  Either drop the mitts and settle it that way, or zip it.  I thought so.

Of a more pressing nature is another installment of my multi-part series on old Golf Channel infomercials.

The 1990’s and early 2000’s were an interesting time for Golf (and Golf Channel).  They didn’t have early-round PGA Tour rights, and hadn’t yet decided we needed to see Tin Cup, Bagger Vance, Caddyshack, and The Greatest Game Ever Played (at some point Michael Breed is going to break down the swings of Matt Damon and Shia LeBoeuf for the gong shows that they are).  And when you’re on 24 hours a day, you need filler (didn’t have Feherty either).  Which meant Infomercials, which I will watch because they’re never not accidentally hilarious.  I’ve started a series of these here and here for your reading pleasure (along with my Magnum Opus here).

For those of you unaware, Brandel Chamblee isn’t just a talking head.  He spent several years on the PGA Tour and won an event so the “he never played the game” tripe that some serve up at him is unfair (and if you think it’s easy to get on Tour please remove your head from your rectum).  He also made an infomercial, and it’s something.  So today, we pay tribute and break down The Quiet Feet infomercial.  As always, my sincere thanks for the inspiration to my spirit animal Down Goes Brown.  Let’s take a look, shall we?

0:13: The PowerPoint 1997 graphics are awesome.  I’ve only sat through about 12,000 meetings that had PowerPoint 1997 decks.  If I start having bad flashbacks, this is why.

0:17: Why hello there, Brandel.  Double pleated slacks, a shirt that would fit me (so on him it’s only about 3 sizes too small) and a fantastic head of hair.  Am I the only one that thinks he needs to grow a mustache?

0:28: WTH?  Is this golf after hours or something?

0:45: Cross-branding with the folks at Golftec, and a teaching professional who probably has his own system and routine (my routine is a heavy diet of bourbon and painkillers which explains why I have a 10.4 index and nobody asks me for help on their golf swing).

1:10: If you were playing a casual round and some guy in your group put this thing on of their own free will, you’re questioning a lot of your decisions, right?

1:18: Hi Brandel!  Looking good mate!  You totally do not sound like you’re reading this off of cue cards.  Not one iota.  Nope.

1:42: Close-up time.  I’m not saying he’s half in the bag, but if this were me I’d be completely in the bag by this point because these other two have the personality of a desk lamp.

2:22: Wardrobe change, and they’re outdoors now.   We’re using kids as props for this thing?  Really?

2:54: I’m picturing the cue card people getting blackout drunk.  Look, if you needed this 50 Shades of Crap strap thing to make you a better teacher, maybe you’re the problem.

3:01: DVD Alert.  With a user guide?  Free, if I call now?  Oh my god melt this down and inject it into my veins!

3:12: Tell me how to order.  Tell me.  TELL ME!  An 800 number AND a website designed by Prodigy Internet?  Take all of my money!  I mean, look at this poor schmuck moving his feet around- if only he could keep his feet quiet, the world would be a better place!

3:37: This thing is $49.95 plus shipping and handling.  They’re straps.  You can buy this at Home Depot or Lowes for less than 20 bucks.  But the DVD and the user guide!  Far be it me to be critical of Brandel, but if you honestly think that not having this thing kept you from winning, please get help.  I mean, just think how good Tiger might have been if he used this thing!

3:50: Oh, it comes in a waterproof detachable bag!

4:12: It comes in 3 junior sizes.  How many kids got this for Christmas and never touched a club again?

4:21: If you saw someone using this at work, you’re going to HR pretty much immediately, right?  I mean, this guy’s work internet browser history is going to be something; you can just tell.

4:53: Now they’re pimping Beaver Dam Falls (the course they’re at).  Oh shit, Kenny Rogers designed the course!  The same guy who wrote “The Gambler” and sang “Islands in the Stream” with Dolly Parton!  The namesake for Kenny Rogers Roasters?  Where is this place?  I MUST KNOW NOW.  I mean, when you can design a chicken restaurant AND a golf course, AND sing duets with Dolly Parton…that’s living the High Life.

SONG OF THE DAY:

Come on, was there any doubt on this?  Turn this on full volume in your car and drive around with your windows open.

 

 

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