Tag: NBC

Fixing The Olympic Golf Format (You’re Welcome)

Your 2024 Olympic Golf Captain? Maybe!

With the Tokyo Olympics now mid-way through the first week, I thought now would be a good time to figure out how to fix the golf format.  I have the added bonus of getting to wear an air cast for the next few weeks so it’s not like I’m playing anytime soon.  As horrible as the IOC is (I’ve long put them in a sports ‘Axis of Evil’ alongside the NCAA and FIFA, two other entities that serve up their unique brands of corruption, grift and a real hatred of the athletes under their umbrellas), the Olympics continue to provide a shop window that few other sporting events can provide.  It’s the only reason to put up with the IOC.

While a 72-hole stroke play event does provide the players (and core fans) with a familiar feel, the truth is that it does seem like ‘just another event’ minus prize money.  So let’s make some changes, shall we?  I’ve had two bourbons, which is my sweet spot for Good Idea Thinking.  Under my format, the players will play five rounds (at the most) instead of four, but with an additional competition.  I’ll explain.

This will mean that there will be a total of eight days of competition, which is the same exact amount you currently have so the course would not be used any more/less than it would.  I would leave the number of players at 120 (60 men, 60 women).  So far, nothing changes.  The host club (Riviera in 2028 is a fantastic choice), if private, isn’t being unduly put upon any more than they already were.

In the interest of being fair, I flipped a coin and the women will start their event first (it’s largely interchangeable) rather than the men.  The first three days are the women’s team event (30 two-player teams) which will be 54 holes with a cut after two rounds.  Then men’s team event is the same format (30 two-player teams, 54 holes).  Countries would send players in even numbers based on world rankings.  So the men’s and women’s events get cut from 72 to 54 holes to add a 36-hole mixed team event.

Competition Day 1: Women’s Team Event (alternate shot format)

Day 2: Women’s Team Event (foursomes/two-player best ball format).

After the second round, the field is cut to the top 12-18 teams (and ties).  I’m flexible on how deep the cut should be.  Maybe anyone within 8-10 shots of the lead gets through.

Day 3: Women’s Team event final round.  Two-player best-ball format, scores reset so everyone starts the final round at level par.

Medals are awarded in the Women’s Team event.

Then two rest/practice days.

The next event will be a mixed-team event (one male, one female).  With 120 players you’d need a two-tee start (apologies in advance to Justine Reed as her husband and his playing partner will undoubtedly get a “late, then early” start time) but with summer you can easily get players around in plenty of time (Brisbane in 2032 could be tight since it won’t be during their summer but it’s still doable; they get around 11 hours of sunlight in August).  The women would tee off from a forward tee 12-14% shorter than what the men will play, in line with USGA research.

Day 4: Mixed Team event (alternate shot)

Day 5: Mixed Team event (foursomes/two-player best ball)

Medals are awarded in the Mixed team event.

Two rest/practice days.

Competition Day 6: Men’s Team Event (alternate shot format)

Day 7: Men’s Team Event (foursomes/two-player best ball format).

After the second round, the field is cut to the top 12-18 teams (and ties).  As noted earlier, I’m flexible on how deep the cut should be.  Maybe anyone within 8-10 shots of the lead gets through.

Day 8: Men’s Team event final round.  Two-player best-ball format, scores reset so everyone starts the final round at level par.

Medals are awarded in the Men’s Team event.

Nations would require at least four athletes to be eligible (two men, two women) in the top 300 in the world.  This is similar to minimal qualification standards that the IOC already has in place for other events (call it the “Eddie the Eagle” rule).  In lieu of professional status, advancing to the quarter-final stage or better in one of several elite amateur events would also suffice (US Amateur, British Amateur, Asia-Pacific Amateur, etc.).

Restarting the final rounds at 0 for the men’s and women’s events means nobody can play it safe and that any team making that cut has a chance.

This means that there are more medals to compete with, and cutting the men’s and women’s event to 54 holes cuts down on wear and tear and would allow players to arrive late/leave early if they wanted to do that.

Some other rules that I’m adding:

-Men may wear shorts during tournament rounds (the shorts must be the same color as the pants as part of the team’s uniforms, which means if Great Britain is wearing blue pants, players can wear blue shorts) if they choose.

-Max score of double par on any hole during the qualifying rounds (Days 1-2 and 6-7).

-Rangefinders/GPS devices are legal so long as they do not have the slope option engaged.

-American men (looking at you, DJ and others) who qualify and refuse to go over are ineligible for Ryder Cup/Presidents Cup “unless” they have already played in an Olympic event.  My long-held belief is that the Olympics should be a “once in a lifetime” thing for athletes.  Play once, and the option of opting out of future Olympics if the player chooses.  The European Tour can do similar if they choose.

-No caddies (players can use push/pull carts or carry their bags as they prefer) during tournament rounds, however each nation would have a designated non-playing captain (and ONE assistant captain) that the team can consult with prior to and after rounds, along with one three-minute ‘time out’ after the 9th hole.  Three minutes between nines isn’t going to hold things up.

-The IOC will work with the R&A and the USGA for a tournament ball which must be used by all competitors in all rounds.  This would eliminate any confusion about teams having to figure out what ball to use.  The non-playing captain would (for countries with multiple entries) decide who will partner up with whom.  The ball should be made available to players at least 90 days before the start of the Olympics to any players who are possibly eligible so they can get used to it.

-Ties for medal places will be decided in a sudden-death playoff.

-Winning an Olympic event (if professional) provides a 4-year exemption on said player’s tour.  If you want to elevate the event you have to treat it like one.  It also includes entry into the next three years of all major championships.

-The IOC pays for charter flights to take the players from the last tour stop prior to the games to the host city (if they can do it for NHL players they can do it for the best golfers in the world).

So eight days of competition, and six days of practice/off days for a total of 14 days.  This would mean that the players would have the opportunity to march in the opening and closing ceremonies if they chose to since for many, this is a huge component of attending.  Or, they can opt to come in later/leave earlier.  Flexibility.

A team event would level the playing field to a degree and offer something different and unique (and we’ve all been wanting to see a mixed-team event).  The idea came to me from watching the mixed curling at the 2018 Winter Olympics (the men and the women had their own separate events in addition to the team competition).  The schedule builds rest and practice in which (assuming we’re not dealing with a pandemic in Paris) allows the players to have that Olympic experience in every possible way.  Similar, but unique and for most, a true once-in-a-lifetime event which is what the Olympics should be.

 

Some 2021 Golf Predictions You Probably Didn’t Ask For

I see things…

Why, hello there.  It’s New Year’s Day 2021, and we’re all still here.  Nobody’s hung over because we were all responsible and stayed home in small groups rather than going out to large parties (unless you’re rich or an elected official, in which case fill your boots on the taxpayer dime).  After an off-season of a few weeks, the 2021 PGA Tour golf season starts next week in Hawaii.  The LPGA gets things going a few weeks later in Florida (I know I say this all the time, but seriously- if you only have time to watch one tour, watch the LPGA).

I’m sure that there are those who have made predictions on every event already, and while I admire their commitment, I’m not that writer.  I just don’t have the time to keep up, and neither do you in all likelihood.  However, I’ve put together some prognostications about the game that I’ve broken down into the following categories: Professional Tours, Media/Publications/Equipment, and Local News.

PRO TOURS

One of the California West Coast events is getting moved/postponed/canceled.  The COVID situation in Southern California is beyond dire (they’re out of hospital beds and are turning away patients from hospitals).  They had to move the Rose Bowl game to Texas.  If you look at the events in La Quinta (Amex), La Jolla (Farmers Insurance) and LA (Genesis), it’s hard to see these events taking place unless there is a massive sea change in cases.  For the record, I’m hoping that this doesn’t happen and that the caseloads in California plummet and everything reverts to pre-COVID world.

We will see another fan-less West Coast swing and (unfortunately) a fan-less Masters.  This isn’t political.  COVID isn’t going to go away because of a new administration.  If 35-40% of the population keeps going around thinking that it’s some giant hoax, then nothing is going to change.

The 2022 PGA Championship is getting moved.  My out-of-the-box suggestion?  Cancel the Genesis in February and move the 2021 PGA from Kiawah to Riviera.  Then play the 2022 PGA Championship at Kiawah Island.  If the PGA of America thought the 1990 event was unpleasant, playing the 2022 event where its scheduled to be held will be far worse.

A Canadian man and at least one American woman are going to win majors in 2021.

Bryson DeChambeau will win at least one event and will skip an event due to injury.

Two of the men’s major winners will be first-time winners.

Europe will retain the Ryder Cup.

At least one prominent American male player will opt out of participating in the Olympics.

MEDIA/EQUIPMENT/PUBLICATIONS

CBS and NBC will continue the trial balloon of dumping some weekend coverage onto their over-the-top streaming services (CBS All Access and Peacock respectively).  There will be complaints and ratings will be flat/down slightly.

Brandel Chamblee will say something outrageous.  It will be forgotten within 72 hours.

Golf Channel will be talking about doing another reboot or possibly pushing the majority of its programming to Peacock by the end of 2021.

CBS and NBC will add another 1-2 minutes of commercials to their weekend coverage, angering viewers.  All because they overpaid for the PGA Tour rights package (bidding against who I have no idea) for reasons that make zero sense.

Expect the legacy golf magazines to trim another 1-2 issues per year off the print editions.  And yet, there will be at least 27 subscription forms in each copy.  Their equipment issues will have the kind of conflicts of interest that would never been allowed a decade ago.

Brick and mortar stores that thrive will figure out the secret sauce that makes them a better option than online.  This will start with better size options, and better service.  My plea to the stores: make the experience of shopping in your stores better than shopping online.  Please.  If I had a dollar for every time I’ve gone into a pro shop/store with money to spend and walk out because nothing they have in the store is my size, I could easily pay for a round anywhere except Pebble Beach and TPC Sawgrass.

2022 is going to be interesting because several NBC/Comcast rights deals (NHL, Premier League) come up for renewal (the NHL deal comes up after this season).  Could this open the floodgates for a consolidation of golf TV rights?  I know this seems insane, but if I told you that Fox was going to walk away from its USGA package in 2020, would you have thought I was crazy 12 months ago?

LOCAL NEWS

Rounds played in the DMV will take a slight hit when the cicadas make their once-every-17-years appearance this spring.  You’ve been warned.  Last time was in 2004 (courses without a lot of trees won’t have any issues).  The largest factor in the area will remain the weather.  If it’s favorable (we have normal rainfall, spring starts when it’s supposed to and it’s not surface of the sun hot for two months straight), then people will show up.  This area is still underserved with respect to public courses.

More of a wish, but Columbia Association will decide that they’ve done enough to screw up golf courses (they’re treading dangerously into Everything They Touch Dies territory) and turn over management of both Hobbits Glen and Fairway Hills to one of the big boys of course management (Troon, Kemper Sports, Billy Casper, ClubCorp, hell at this point might as well enlist Club Pro Guy and his fine superintendent Miguel Vega).  If anyone at CA is reading this, you have zero clue how to run a golf course and the people who actually work at your courses know this better than I do.   Actually, Columbia Association can’t really run a literal one-car parade.  They screwed up their gyms, they tried suing to prevent the annual Festival of Lights at Merriweather, and they’re doing their dead level best to continue to piss people off.

No local courses are going to close in 2021.  There was enough of a cull in 2018-2019 (and there definitely was one) and 2020 ended up being pretty good in terms of rounds played (once courses opened).   For now, all eyes are on DC as we watch to see what happens with the DC courses being redone by The Links Trust (Tom Doak and Gil Hanse working together) and eventually being managed by Troon.

Expect a hurricane, record rainfall, record heat and several other acts of God from August 23-29.  The BMW Championship is at Baltimore’s Caves Valley.  You think I’m kidding.  Not even a bit.  I’m old enough to remember the TUESDAY FINISH in 2006 at the then-FBR Open at what is now TPC Potomac.  I really hope I’m wrong on this, but history doesn’t exactly bode well.

I will play when I can, and probably maintain the kind of mediocrity that I’m famous for.  But I play fast, so there’s that.

Best wishes for a Happy New Year, and let’s all hope that in 12 months we’re remembering 2021 for the good things.

SONG OF THE DAY

This is more than 35 years old and it’s still good.  From the OG’s of Goth:

A Modest FedEx Cup Proposal

Just imagine what’s possible.

Another PGA Tour season is almost done; after 11 months, a global pandemic, a cancellation of the Open Championship and moving every major around, we’re at the FedEx Cup Tour Championship.

The format last year that’s being carried over this year is that Dustin Johnson starts the tournament with a 10 shot lead over the guy who finishes 30th.  If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go shake my head and pretend that this isn’t really the case.  Of all of the hair-brained ideas to come from professional golf, this might be the dumbest.  Why is it that sports I love do the stupidest things on the earth (looking at you, Superleague and your “sure we’ll take free pizzas from a horrible chain as payment for sponsorship” galaxy brain idea)?

To put it as mildly as I can, this goes against everything sports are supposed to be about.  What next- give Usain Bolt a 10-meter head start because he’s the defending 100 meter champion?  Give the team with the best regular season a 7-point lead to start the Super Bowl?  The team with the most regular season points gets a 1-goal lead to start in every game of the Stanley Cup Final?  I mean, what the actual hell are we talking about?  What’s wrong with you people?

Don’t worry; your faithful scribe has a solution that would treat the FedEx Cup Tour Championship like a real championship; one that balances rewarding regular season performance and require a player to lift their game.  Reward regular season performance, and have a final one-day winner take all conclusion that a casual fan can understand.  Like any championship, the hard work is getting to that final.  So we’re going to start with the final round being it’s own entity.  Like the Super Bowl.  Simple enough?

The top 30 getting into the Tour Championship is a good number; there isn’t any need to play around with that.  I even like finishing on Labor Day weekend with the finale on Monday (when people are off work; ideally the Tour can push so that they ‘own’ Labor Day).  Ideally the Tour would look to have the final round on the West Coast for an east coast prime-time finish every other year (non-Ryder Cup years).  Courses on the West Coast?  Riviera is the obvious choice, but if Chambers Bay is in better shape that’s a second option.  I get using East Lake for Ryder Cup years (especially when the US has to fly to Europe as this will cut down on travel time).  While we’re at it, the Chicago area should have a permanent slot on the Tour.

The question becomes this- how do you reward season-long excellence while maintaining the integrity of the competition?  The same way other sports do it; by seeding and providing other advantages that maintain the integrity of the competition.

My Modest Proposal

So with that being said, let me explain how a five-round (Thursday-Monday) championship would work in a way that would provide a satisfying finale, reward year-round performance and give you a simple, easy-to-identify champion.  You start with the top 30 playing three rounds of stroke play; the top 16 get into the fourth round (if there’s a tie for 16th you have a playoff), and then you have one day of match play with the 16 going down to 8 with that final round being a one-and-done entity of itself.  In other words, getting to a championship and having one day to win or lose with everyone starting the final round at 0.

Under my Tour Championship Final proposal, the top seed gets the following advantages as a reward for his season-long excellence and being the top seed.

  1. He gets to pick his tee time for the first three rounds and who he plays with.  Maybe he likes to go out early.  Maybe he wants an early-late-late (he gets to pick).  Maybe he wants to take advantage of potential weather or play with someone he’s comfortable with.  Call it home field advantage.  He has to declare the day before each round so he can pick and choose and give himself the optimal time and opponent.  Not a bad reward.
  2. He’s guaranteed to get into the semi-final Sunday round of 16 so even if his game goes to pot during the first three qualifying rounds, he has that second chance (other playoff formats allow the top seeds a ‘double elimination’ of sorts).  There’s your tangible reward for regular season excellence; a second chance.  Those are two big carrots that don’t turn the competition into a farce but provide a tangible reward for that year-long excellence.

The round of sixteen are seeded based on their first three rounds (your top seed going in would be seeded based on his performance, but if he otherwise didn’t qualify he’d be seeded 16th).  Eight matches of match play.  Winners go to the Final.  Losers are done.  Sudden death playoffs if tied after 18 holes.  It’s something of a different strategy from stroke play, but designed to force players to think differently for one day.

The eight players who win their matches go to the Championship/Grand Final.  One round for everything.  Four twosomes; playing partners and order are drawn at random out of a hat.  Everything resets for the Championship or Grand Final round.  One round.  One day.  Low score (stroke play) is your Tour/FedEx Cup champion.  Tie?  Sudden-death playoff.  You now have a true Championship Final.  What you did before to get there matters not; it’s the player who’s the best on the day who wins.   Much like the Super Bowl, Final Four championship, and NBA/NHL/MLB Game 7’s.  It’s not what you did before, it’s what you do on the day.  Nobody starts the day having to sit on a lead or trying to come from behind.  One round.  Low score wins.  Much like other sports, you had to battle to get into the playoffs and continue to advance.  You finished in the top 15/16 of the field after three rounds and beat someone in a match play environment to get to the Championship Final.

The average sports fan couldn’t explain the FedEx Cup, nor could most golf fans.  The average sports fan can easily understand “one round, winner take all” events.  You’ve competed all year, and everything you did goes out the window.  No head start, no being able to play conservatively to protect a lead.  Under my proposal, winning the FedEx Cup Championship Final would also earn the winner a 10-year exemption (up from five), a lifetime exemption to the Players Championship, and a guaranteed spot in next year’s playoffs (the first round only).  These are all PGA Tour-controlled entities so you’re not having to ask the USGA or PGA of America to get involved.

Having eight players provides NBC or CBS plenty of coverage options so you aren’t just focused on one group and reduces the likelihood of not having any name players.  Oh, and no commercials for the last 90 minutes.

Hopefully the Tour decides to adopt this format and give fans a real Championship.

Johnny, (Occasionally) Angry Johnny (an Appreciation)

Johnny Miller and Seve Ballesteros. Probably not discussing that 63 at Oakmont.

With the NBA season tipping off last night, the NHL season entering its third week (thankfully, the Leafs are off to a hot start and yes- those of you who follow me on Twitter may see my feed become more Leaf-centric for a while), the MLB playoffs down to the last four and the NFL season doing what it does, some things get lost in the shuffle.  This week’s announcement that Johnny Miller will be leaving the broadcast booth after he does one final event (the 2019 Waste Management Open- CBS has (pro football championship game whose title shan’t be mentioned) a conflict so they’re dumping the coverage to NBC (NBC will dump a February weekend to CBS every 4 years when it conflicts with the end of the Winter Olympics).  Related, thumbs up to Golfweek’s ‘The Forecaddie’ for getting this first.

NBC’s decision to use Paul Azinger from Fox is a colossal disappointment.  In multiple years of working with Joe Buck on Fox, they still have zero chemistry and they still provide nothing of value to the viewer.  Buck has this habit of having to put his stamp on things; great moments in sports don’t need it (and he has this habit of talking over things when letting the pictures speak would be better for all involved).

From watching US Opens on Fox, Azinger’s biggest fault is that he routinely fails to use his biggest strength, which is his perspective as a former player.  Viewers don’t need narratives about tradition.  We aren’t former touring professionals; Paul is.  He’s won a major, and yet, he rarely (if ever) provides that perspective.  He’s too busy talking about the history of the game.  Put me in the head of a guy trying to win a major and spare me waxing poetic about how great you think the USGA is.  The final round of a major isn’t that time nor the place.  Four full years with Fox and other than Shane Bacon and Brad Faxon, there’s not a single reason to listen (their technology is fantastic).

Miller has been part of NBC since 1990.  By and large, he’s taken the viewer into what players are thinking on the back nine on Sunday when they’re trying to win.  He used the word ‘choke’ in context with a player.  He hasn’t shied away from being critical of players.  I know the Tiger fanboys don’t want to hear this (lest anyone speak ill of Dear Tiger), but offering criticisms of players is quite literally why many of the talking heads have jobs.  He’s been critical of the best players, which is his job.  Being critical of the top players (when warranted) is part of that.

Any budding announcers, regardless of sport, should remember that if you’re doing TV, the viewer is watching.  He/she can see.  Your words should supplement what’s being viewed.  Analysts should think similarly.  I’ve never played professional sports.  Paul Azinger has.  He’s won a major.  So help me, the viewer, know what’s going on by telling me things I can’t see.  If an on-course reporter can tell me what kind of lie that “X” has in the rough, walk me through what a player might be thinking given this information.  Don’t use 25 words if 15 are sufficient, but don’t use 25 if you need 40 or 50 to provide context.

Challenge: watch the final round of an event with the volume off for 30-40 minutes.  Notice how little most announcers contribute?  They go from shot to shot, and tell you that player X is putting for birdie/par.  Think about the maddening four minutes that JB Holmes spent trying to figure out his second shot at the Farmers Insurance Open earlier this year.  Now, think about how little (if anything) the announcers were contributing to this debacle.

Miller, at his best, provided that reason to listen.  He won majors, and knew what it was like (he also successfully managed to balance family life & fatherhood with a professional career) to be in contention.  Yes- he could go on a bit about his famous 63 at Oakmont (and yes- I may or may not have made a drinking game about Miller) but the fact is he shot a 63 and won a US Open, which, to borrow a term, means he has Scoreboard.  More significantly, he could articulate what a tour pro was going through in a final round, which often gets lost in the shuffle.

I’m not NBC/Golf Channel, but if I was, I’d have given some of their internal folks a crack at the job before going outside and sharing Azinger with Fox (where Azinger would be useful is during Ryder Cup week; having him and Colin Montgomerie together would be an absolute must-listen).  David Duval and Justin Leonard have the ‘won a major’ box ticked, and Brandel Chamblee would provide a bit of spice (and controversy) to broadcasts.  Frank Nobilo is another option I’d like to see given a crack.  Maybe, if you were bringing Mike Tirico into the booth (replacing Dan Hicks) I could get behind reuniting Tirico and Azinger, but beyond that, it’s a hard pass.

So thanks for everything, Johnny.  Hope you’re able to enjoy retirement with your family (which has always been your top priority, as it should).

Yes The PGA Tour Needs an All Star Event

As I settled in last night to watch the (allegedly) drunken debauchery that was the NHL All Star Fantasy Draft (starting in 2011 the league skipped their old East/West and North America/World formats and chose teams via fantasy draft), I took away a few things- for one, it looked like everyone was having fun, and two- why can’t the PGA Tour do something similar?

Hi Ovie!

If Tiger Woods was doing this the Internet would explode

So armed with that idea, a piece of paper, a pen, and a barely functioning brain, I came up with a plan- the 1st Annual LPGA-PGA Tour All Star Weekend!

We have a trade to announce...see ya Phil.

We have a trade to announce…see ya Phil.

Each Tour selects their best 12 players.  Players that are nominated but decline are deducted FedEx Cup points/CME Globe points.  Players that show up get the equivalent of a top 10 finish in a marquee event and guaranteed status for two years (same as winning an event).

Take one of the spring events.  For some reason I keep thinking Dallas would be a great “first option”…some time in April (after the Masters in that nine week period between the Masters and the US Open).

Pick two playing captains…don’t overthink it.  Mickelson and Woods?  Sure!  Think high profile.   Have fun with it.

Each team picks 12 players (6 men, 6 women).  You know…like, oh, I don’t know…the Solheim, Ryder, and Presidents Cups?  Have the “draft” on television.  I’m dead certain the Golf Channel would show it.  Allow a trade?  Hell yes!  Encourage drinking?  Oh hell yes!  Have Feherty or someone similar act as emcee.  When they go on stage they get their team bag and shirt (you make up bags for each team…the unused ones get raffled off for The First Tee or Donors Choose (have fans vote among a few selected charities).  The last player picked gets a car.

Format?  Team format, obviously.  Day one (Friday)- everyone plays one round of fourballs (teams are one man/one woman).  Day two (Saturday)?  everyone plays one round of foursomes (alternate shot).  Day three (Sunday)?  Match play.  Have the women play the odd numbered games, the men the even (so women take slots 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, the men 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12).  Tied?  Putting contest on the 18th green as to who can make the longest putt.  I’d chop down the rough.  We’re encouraging birdies and eagles here.

Nobody has to play 36 holes in a day.  The winning team gets FedEx/CME Globe points.  Shit, I’d let ’em ride carts if they want to.  I’d even let it be known quietly that a little on-course wagering won’t offend anyone’s tender mercies.  Everyone at this event is wearing a mic.

But what of tradition, you say?  Please.  You’re telling me that a tournament wouldn’t want this in lieu of a pedestrian 72-hole event?  People would buy tickets and quite happily (in fact, my guess is that a lot of places would be happy to host something like this).

It’s still golf.  Would you like to see, say, Rickie Fowler and Michelle Wie as teammates for a day or some tournament that nobody cares about?

Besides, isn’t the whole point of this to be entertaining?

 

Revealed – The Post Ryder Cup Task Force Meeting

Once again, Sean McIdoe who runs the beyond-fantastic hockey website downgoesbrown.com and has written a fantastic book and if that’s not enough is a frequent contributor to Grantland has generously loaned his infamous “spies” to me as I try to uncover what happened at the super-secret PGA of America Task Force meeting.

Seriously, Sean’s a great writer and his book is hilarious.  Buy his book.  Hell, buy several copies.

Okay, enough plugging.  Below are the meeting minutes.  Present were PGA of America President Ted Bishop, Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Rickie Fowler and Tom Watson.

Ted Bishop (PGA of America President): Thanks, everyone for taking time out of their day to join me here in Orlando as we try to figure out how we can improve the US Ryder Cup team.  We’ve lost 8 of the last 10 Ryder Cups, and frankly they’ve outplayed us.  So I want to hear your ideas on what we can do so we can start winning again.  Because if there’s one thing that golf fans agree on it’s middle-aged white guys chanting “USA” never gets old.  It’s almost as great as the guys who yell “Baba Booey” or “GET IN THE HOLE MASHED POTATOES.”  So who wants to start?  Remember, you’re here to come up with ideas on how we can regain the Ryder Cup in 2016.

Arnold Palmer: Well if you idiots would stop listening to Jack, we’d be playing the Brits and the Irish and not the whole continent.  But…no…you had to go invite the whole damn continent.  And wow…thanks for letting me hear that “Ole Ole Ole” song.  Every time I hear it I want to go drink gasoline.

Dan Jenkins: Can I make a comment about Sergio Garcia that’s mildly offensive or should I just talk about TCU football?  Can I polish Ben Hogan’s statue a bit?  Should I be using the Twitter and talk about Tiger and pool parties?  People like that stuff.  Or should I just mention “try putting better” like I did back in August.

Tiger Woods: TCU old man?  That choke job last week at Baylor was worse that the 2012 choke we had at Medinah, amirite?  You need Stanford guys running things like…what’s that old guy…?

(Jenkins whispering in Woods’ ear to remind him that Tom Watson went to Stanford)

Tiger: Well never mind then.

Watson: Thanks, pal.

Rickie Fowler: Go OSU Cowboys!  I enjoy the Ryder Cup…it’s a great honor to represent my country.  Now if you excuse me I’m getting on my motorcycle and do a couple wheelies in the parking lot.

Phil Mickelson: Well, the first problem is that we’re having this meeting in Orlando.  Should I spend 20 minutes going over this power point presentation Bones and I made about why we should have it in Phoenix or San Diego?  Should I mention I’ll have to leave between 11:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. to take Amy and my daughter to lunch at the Varsity in Atlanta?  And if you look at the last five slides they’re art work made by my kids.

Jenkins: Seriously…do these guys know how to putt?  Ben Hogan knew how to putt.  So’d Lee Trevino.  I need a drink.

Watson: Well, we practiced our putting for a couple hours…so there’s that.

Tiger: I know what you were missing…

Jenkins: Someone who can go 0-4 and not find the fairway with a map?

Jack Nicklaus: I can’t believe I haven’t spoken yet.  I’d like to talk about this one time I played with Arnie back in 1971.  We were both hungover as skunks and we teed off.  Arnie hit a baby draw that ended up in the rough.  I was in the fairway about 175 yards from the pin, and I hit a little fade with a 6-iron …Angelo thought it was a 7-iron but I knew that with the wind that it would be a six; so then Arnie hits this beautiful 4-wood from the rough to about 10 feet..he caught it a bit heavy but he got a good roll on it…

Palmer: Holy shit Jack…can’t you go design a golf course somewhere or go spend time with your grandkids?  I’m old and going to die soon and honestly you talking about golf shots is nowhere near what I want to be hearing about when I go.  You know what would hit the spot right now?  An iced tea/lemonade combo.  I’ve got a great name for it. Anway, so there were these two cheerleaders when I played at Wake Forest…wow.  So the one’s a redhead and tells me about this trick she had involving ping pong balls…

Tiger: Go on…did she work at Perkins?

Jenkins: Are we doing Tiger dating Perkins waitress jokes?  Because I have a few.

Phil: Sophia did a research project about the effective curve of Perkins waitress jokes.  Can I show her analysis?

Group: NO!

Bishop: NO.  What do you guys think would help our players play better in Tournaments?

Fowler: Our captains have always tried their hardest.  Can’t we just say that anyone who lives in the Orlando area is automatically ineligible to play for Europe?  That would mean McDowell and Poulter couldn’t play…that would help, right?  What about if we had more captain’s picks.

Watson: More captain’s picks would be helpful.  I mean, how’d I get stuck with Webb Simpson?  He’s a nice kid but how’d he qualify?

Bishop: Someone kill me…please.

Jenkins: Putting.  Instead of staring at the green for two minutes, how about hit the damn ball so it goes in the hole?  The Euros seem to have this figured out. What would help if these guys could…oh I don’t know, maybe make a putt every now and then.  And have a personality.  Most of you goobers are as exciting as a roll of paper towels.

Tiger: Military style training.  I run 8 miles a day in army boots.  Okay, so I couldn’t find the fairway with a map, but I’m in the greatest shape of my life (he rips off shirt and begins doing bodybuilder poses).

Jenkins: Tiger, watching you try to hit a driver is like watching me not make borderline racially inappropriate jokes about Sergio Garcia every time he pisses away a tournament.  Is for me, Sergio!  And now your putting has gone bad as well.  Insert thing about how Ben Hogan would dominate you.

Tiger: If you mention Ben Hogan two more times I get a free car wash.

Bishop: None of this is helping.

Palmer: These guys don’t care anymore.  They’re happy with their free courtesy cars and private planes.  Make ’em fly commercial and take a bus.

Mickelson: Remind me who started this whole private plane shit.  Hint- his name is Arnold Palmer.

Nicklaus: You tell ’em…which reminds me about the 1972 US Open…

Tiger: Oh shit…you’re going to summon it from the depths of Napa.

(Door opens and Johnny Miller walks in)

Miller: Did someone mention the 1973 US Open?  I shot a 63 there and won.

Bishop: You’re a year off…Seriously?  We’re talking about the Ryder Cup and you silly bastards go get Johnny Oakmont?  Do any of you actually have an attention span?

Miller: Seriously…am I the only one awed by that 63?  I can go through it hole by hole if you like.

Tiger: If you do I’m putting a gun in my mouth.

Mickelson: Whatever, did I mention Amy made me a cake for my birthday?  It was awesome. Anyway, Pelz and I have put together this 500-page report on how we can putt better.  If only I had done this before the PGA Championship this year.

Jenkins: Holy shit Phil…watching you miss that inevitable 8-footer is like watching TCU sorority girls stumble around drunk.  It stopped being funny a while ago and now it’s just pathetic.

Tiger: Can’t you just make golf commercials Phil?  You know Phil, you can grow that hair as long as you want but it won’t cover up that bald spot.

Phil: Whatever…anyway, Amanda and Sophia (opens wallet and pulls out photo) were talking with Amy, and we put together this 25-slide power point going over how they think that having a day of math and science and that Sophia would make a great captain.

Palmer: Why exactly am I here?

Bishop: To try to help us be better at the Ryder Cup and because people know your name.  I mentioned Webb Simpson earlier nobody knows who he is…and he won a US Open?  I mean, how hard could that be?

Mickelson: Eat shit and die.

Palmer: I’d suggest that they start to play practice rounds for real stakes…I mean shit that means something…not cash.  So it was 1965 and I was out on the tiles with Dean Martin and Joey Bishop, and we had a couple drinks…

Jenkins: Go on…

Palmer: Thanks. So anyway, we meet up with these cocktail waitresses and I ask them if they want to play leaky submarine.

Bishop: Please NOBODY LOOK THAT UP ON URBAN DICTIONARY.

Jenkins: Have I mentioned become better putters yet?

Palmer: My point, Mr. Fun Police, is that these guys are about as exciting as a pair of socks.  Oh, you clowns play ping pong?  Unless you mean beer pong before hanging out with an entire sorority.  Do you know what we used to do at Ryder Cups?  Hint- get drunk and screw girls!  Plus…they don’t care if they lose or not.  It’s not like they’re going to suffer any consequences or lose money as a result.

Tiger: You know, Freddie Couples always does a great job at the Presidents Cup.  He’s not a hard-ass and let’s face it, beating the International side isn’t exactly difficult.  And Freddie pretty much lets me do whatever…

Jenkins: So lose a lot then…

Fowler: I like Freddie as well.  He listens to our ideas and he offered me several great suggestions.

Phil: When I suggested to Freddie that he pair me and Keegan together he thought that was a great idea.

Nicklaus: Freddie sure seems like a nice fella, but don’t forget about my Presidents Cup wins either.

Palmer: Hey Jack, can you mention those 18 majors?  Pretty sure it’s been a day since you’ve done that.

Nicklaus: You’re not counting my US Amateur wins.

All: SHUT UP JACK!

Watson: So who’s our next captain?

Bishop: We need someone who will command the respect of the players and can inspire the team to victory.  Someone who can unite players of different backgrounds towards a common goal.  Someone who understands the global game of golf.

Miller: What about me?  It’s not like I’m doing anything right now.  Do you know what it’s like to hang out with Dan Hicks?  My social life becomes the equivalent of that dog commercial with the Sarah McLachlan song.  He spent 20 minutes talking about new socks.

All: NO!

Bishop: I’ve made my decision.  After careful thought I’m pleased to introduce the 2016 US Ryder Cup Captain and Assistant Captains.  We think that these men will give us the chance we need to get the cup back.  Gents?

US captain Ian Poulter, and assistant captains Rory McIlroy, and Justin Rose walk into the room.  There are audible gasps and two members of the panel jump out of the building.

Bishop: I’d say we just gave ourselves a fantastic chance of winning.

 

Ryder Cup Idea you didn’t ask for

So having just watched the NHL Winter Classic (and yes- the humour of being a diehard fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs and a diehard golfer isn’t lost on me), there’s one thing that they did today that could translate to golf- the announcement of Ryder Cup teams.

During the 2nd intermission the US Women’s Olympic team was announced and the men’s team was announced after the game.

The women’s team were at the game; the men’s team were announced using kids wearing each player’s sweater (except for the three players who played in the game who made the US team who came out of the dressing room to be announced).  Great stuff.

So rather than have a press conference during midweek to announce the team (which ends up getting lost in the shuffle), why not announce the team after the US PGA Championship (on the broadcast)?  Since the PGA of America runs the tournament (and the Ryder Cup) you’d have perfect synergy.  I know- NBC has the Ryder Cup rights and CBS has the US PGA Championship…but CBS can give up 10 minutes after the tournament trophy presentation (during August when 60 minutes is in reruns) to announce the Ryder Cup team.

Have the US Ryder Cup captain announce the roster.  If a player can’t make it, have one of the kids from the local First Tee program “stand in” for said player (have each player with their Ryder Cup staff bag with their name on it).  You’re announcing a US team in front of an American audience.  You’re telling me people won’t watch on TV?  You already have a captive audience, and the people at the tournament get a little extra.

You’re telling me the players would object to having to hang around a couple hours (those that are on the team and finished earlier) to get a round of applause (at most)?  If that’s the case then that says a lot about how they really feel about it.

Oh, and for the love of 30 foot birdies can we stop with the number of captain’s picks changing every match?  Pick a number.  3 seems good.  Or 2.  Or 4.  Just pick a number and leave it the hell alone.