It’s that time of year-we’re on the eve of the first major of the year, and finally it feels like golf weather today (except it’s supposed to rain the next three days…so we’ve got that going). And if it’s going to rain all weekend and keep you off the links, how better to watch than with your very own SGIC-approved Masters Drinking Game?
I’m sure that there are “other” Masters Drinking Games that you could follow, but the distilled spirits industry would probably like it if you follow mine because my game is for professionals.
Take ONE drink (an actual drink- this sipping stuff won’t do) if any of the following happen:
-CBS shows Tiger Woods on Sunday and he’s more than 12 shots off the lead
-Jim Nantz is wearing a J.Peterman roll collar sweater and Zubaz sweat pants on Sunday when he says “hello friends”
-David Feherty says anything remotely critical of the players
-Feherty says anything remotely interesting that isn’t him being a total fanboy
-Frank Nobilo is shown wearing an eye patch with a peg leg
-If the over on the over/under of 100 for “how many times will they mention that Ben Crenshaw won 20 years ago” take a drink
-If the over on the over/under of 11 billionty of “how many times will they mention “azaleas”, “dogwoods” and “pine straw”
-If someone says “gallery” or “fans” and you don’t hear gunfire within 10 seconds or “GET HIM!”
Take TWO drinks if any of the following happen:
-Dan Jenkins is found passed out on the Hogan bridge with a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 wearing nothing but a purple TCU thong
-Jim Nantz forgets to put pants on for the Butler Cabin ceremony and we find out his boxer shorts say “hello friends” on the back AND the front because that’s how he rolls
-If anyone finds out that “the crows nest” is actually Masters Chairman Hootie Johnson’s safe word
-If an amateur is within three shots of the lead on the back nine on Sunday
-Phil Mickelson takes less than 10 seconds to explain a bad shot
-Tiger Woods spends longer than 10 seconds explaining a round higher than 75 that doesn’t involve the word “process” and “speed”
-If anyone is seen throwing or breaking a club on Saturday or Sunday
-If you hear an audible profanity on Sunday and there aren’t at least two dozen apologies within two minutes
Take THREE drinks if any of the following happen during Sunday:
-Tiger, Phil, Rory and Mike Weir are tied for the lead at any point on Sunday
-Ian Poulter shoots a final round score above par and doesn’t go on Twitter or post a photo of his private plane
-Adam Scott is in contention and Ian Baker Finch is seen following the other leaders with a tire iron.
-Jim Nantz fails to show up but is found wearing ass-less chaps and a “Sun’s Out, Guns Out” tank top and singing with his new band with John Daly and the entire staff of the Augusta Hooters and their first record is due out in June.
-Bubba Watson shows up for his final round and his driver has no pink on it.
Take FIVE drinks if any of the following happens:
-If the Masters decides to go to “Brass Bonanza” as their melody.
If CBS can’t find Brass Bonanza, let me assist. You’re welcome. Make it happen!
My Prediction? Pain. My other prediction? A top 10 that will feature Speith, Reed, Westwood, McIlroy,