Author: currin290 (page 9 of 19)

Where I Break Down The Alien Wedge Infomercial

Today is December 26th, so depending on where you are you might be doing a host of activities.  If I were back home in Toronto we’d be drinking heavily while planning backyard rink skates (since unlike last year it’s cold enough) and watching the start of the World Junior Hockey Tournament on TSN.  People in Australia are watching the Boxing Day cricket test (and drinking heavily), while people in Britain are watching soccer (possibly rugby) and drinking heavily.  Here in America it’s post-Christmas sales, college bowl games of middling consequence (locally, Maryland is playing in something called the Quick Lane Bowl although given that She Who Is Really In Charge (SWIRIC) is a Maryland alum I’ll not joke that much about it), and trying to get all those electronic games and toys to work (hint- when in doubt, a glass of bourbon works wonders).

Photo courtesy Johnnie Walker

The finest tool for putting together those Christmas toys.  Trust me.

While SWIRIC is out shopping with her friends today (it’s a holiday tradition and I’m thrilled she’s doing it), I’m revisiting a classic infomercial from the days when Golf Channel used to air these all of the time.  Previously, I recapped the genius that was the Perfect Club, then the GolfLogix GPS.  Today, it’s the Alien wedge (full admission- I bought one years ago after a particularly brutal day when i seemed to find the sand on every hole and my playing partners started calling me Sandman).  Unfortunately, the commercial is for British audiences (thus the price in pounds sterling); not sure why but the US version isn’t on YouTube.  Let’s watch this, shall we?

Let’s be honest; infomercials were almost made for golfers struggling with their game (or 99.99% of them).  You’re at home half in the bag at 2:00 a.m. and maybe you don’t have Skinamax or ShowMeAGoodTime.  So you watch Golf Infomercials (somewhere, there’s a Golf Infomercial cosplay group and I will believe this until I’m dead).  So let’s review this bad boy, shall we?

0:02: Oh god, it’s a real alien!  Oh may gawd!  It’s coming for the world!  Oh, it’s just the Alien Shotsaver Wedge.  Watch as it blasts through sand…shot in glorious standard definition!

0:15: Somewhere there is a large group of men with nondescript British accents whose only jobs are voice-over work, because if you can’t have a great product, have a guy with a British accent describing it.  It’s a wedge!  A sand iron (which is a term nobody uses)!  It’s…the Alien Wedge!

0:25: Deep roughs?  Who uses that term?  I’ve heard it called rough, cabbage, tall stuff, junk, “you’re screwed” and ‘yeah, good luck finding that one’ but never roughs.  And who hits the ball off a cement cart path?  Oh wait, nobody.  You drop it closest point of relief no nearer the hole.  That’s a fantastic way to break a club and/or a wrist.  Maybe if the paths are hard-packed sand (or shells) you give it a go, but otherwise…use the rules.

0:35: Now we get to the regular golfer focus group portion.  Young guy with British accent?  Check.  Middle aged dopey white guy?  Check.

0:45: This isn’t the original Alien wedge (that I bought in a store) it’s the NEW Alien wedge.  It looks slightly less ridiculous (hint- if someone has one of these in their bag it’s a small cry for help…and I was that guy for a while).  The one I had didn’t have grooves; it had dots.

1:00: They show all of these shots out of various lies but they don’t show but one or two actually landing on the green.  Kind of makes you wonder.

1:11: Was wondering when the nondescript female golfer would show up.  You better believe she has a southern accent and a big straw hat (I can’t wait until this becomes a thing again).  You know, 20 years ago she’s got a pack of Virginia Slims in her pocket.  My aunt (god rest her soul) could break 80 in her sleep and could manage a dart and a razor-sharp short game better than anyone I’ve ever seen.  The curb-stomping she delivered to a pair of idiots who didn’t want to play with a woman (especially one who could say ‘bless their hearts’ and mean go f**k yourselves in a way I’ve yet to see replicated) is the stuff of legend.

1:16: And we have the young junior male golfer.  See kids- you can be cool too if you buy one of these.  No, really.  Do you think Jordan Spieth or Rickie Fowler had one of these?  I feel like if Rickie Fowler had one he’d use it to play motorcycle polo.

1:22: Graphics.  Probably done on a Commodore Vic-20.  To quote Ben Wright and Peter Alliss, majestic.  No expense spared.  The 12-year old who did these was well worth the 50 dollars they gave him.  Earned every penny of it.

1:30: Sound effects are off.  Don’t use the sound of an iron shot from the fairway for sand shots.  You hear that from someone in a greenside bunker, I’d suggest ducking and protecting your “one meat, two veg” if you catch my drift (or at the very least try to help the guy find what hole his ball ended up on).  You want that thump sound.  Any golfer knows that.  And hey, look, it’s old man in a straw hat…come on down!  Greg Norman looked good in that.  Maybe Jim Thorpe (because I’m afraid to tell him it looks bad).  Nobody else does.

courtesy National club golfer

The only man who looks good in a hat like this.

1:42: If you can’t trust someone trying to pull off the Bryson Dechambeau look long before he did, I’m not sure what you can trust.  You know who looks good in the Hogan/newsboy hat?  Hogan.  You know who doesn’t?  Anyone not named Hogan.  Stop trying to make this a thing.  Between this and the flat-bill hat thing, can people not wear a regular hat?  While we’re on the subject, you know who didn’t wear a hat for years?  Arnold Palmer.

courtesy GolfWRX.

Bryson Dechambeau and his Hogan hat. Want to make a personal statement? Win tournaments. As you were.

courtesy GQ

No hat. No gimmick. Just here to kick ass and take names.

Arnie’s gimmick?  It’s called winning and being one bad ass mo-fo.  And being cool as hell.

2:00: More shots from a variety of lies, and yet, you don’t see them land.  It’s almost like…no, that can’t be true.

2:07: Five bucks says the goober that takes that giant pelt of a divot doesn’t replace it, and then complains if his ball ends up in a divot.  Any superintendent sees this must be quietly sobbing in a corner.  Bad enough when the pros do it, but when a 20-handicapper takes a hairpiece-sized divot and leaves it (not even filling it)…inexcusable.

2:16: Hey look- old white guy in a straw hat!  Gee, I wonder who he voted for in the last election (gonna take a wild guess he’s not a BernieBro).  I’m surprised he took the big cigar out of his mouth long enough to use words.  Unrelated, you know this guy is a total Judge Smails at his club.  While we’re at it, let’s just say that the chances he says “Happy Holidays” are zero.  You do you, Tex.  Hook ’em Horns.

2:23: Cargo shorts on a guy whose grip is something out of a What Not To Do seminar whose knees are locked…must turn away and not see…must turn away.  Next to popped collars, my other men’s fashion choice I’d like to kill with fire is cargo shorts.  Most regular shorts come with two back and two front pockets.  Other than a survival mission in the Sahara Desert, you can get by without cargo shorts.  Put your keys in your golf bag along with any coins (please- the noise is distracting to the other players in your group).  An extra ball in one front pocket and some tees, a divot repair tool and a ball marker in the other front pocket.  Your phone goes in the bag (on silent/vibrate).  Take a photo by all means and then quietly (and quickly) put it back.  Hell for me is a world where every guy wears cargo shorts and every woman wears leggings and ugg boots.

2:35: Free top-quality headcover?  Take my money!   Headcovers on irons and wedges are morally wrong.  Don’t.  Those neoprene things?  Don’t.  No serious golfer has them.  It’s like having a stroke counter tool.  Save your money; that beer you buy at the turn will do your game a world of good more than a stroke counter tool or iron covers.  If I see a guy in a cart with neoprene covers on his irons, the following things will be undoubtedly true:

1) He will have a ball retriever in his bag and will be better at retrieving balls than he is at playing (oh, and if you hit one in the drink I promise you he’ll fetch it for you…and five other balls).

2) He will get indignant if you mention “we should pick up the pace a bit”…because he’s got nowhere to go and all day to get there but if he gets close to the group in front of him he’ll complain about how slow they are.

3) He will want to keep score for you even if he doesn’t know you and will ask you what you had.  Especially if he doesn’t know you.

4) He will give you a swing lesson that he heard from someone that will make no sense.  Probably a scramble tournament.

5) He will have a poker chip that he uses to mark his ball.

2:45: The “act now and you’ll also get…” portion.  Discount vouchers!  And it comes in a box so the UPS/FedEx/DHL delivery person knows you’re a golf junkie who buys stuff from infomercials.  It’ll look good next to the two ball retrievers you have in your bag, and that’s what counts.

So enjoy the trip back in time to the days of standard definition and Infomericals.  As I find more, I’ll post recaps because if we can’t laugh about them, then what’s the point?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The 2016 SGIC Plays Santa Awards- The Falling Down Drunk Edition

photo from William Kendall Books

Dead guy, meet imaginary guy. So you see where this is going.

So, 2016 has been something in the same way that having the stomach flu and the norovirus at the same time is something.

2016 summed up quite succinctly.

2016 summed up quite succinctly.

Santa is listening to a 7-hour mix tape of Duncan Sheik, Joy Division, and Werner Herzog Polka so he’s a bit tied up (he’s also just finished eating 7 Arby’s Beef N’Cheddar sandwiches in one setting after butt-chugging a bottle of Jim Beam).  Before Santa passed out while choking on that 7th Beef N’Cheddar he asked me to hand out some gifts to the local golf community.  So here we go…

So how was 2016 for you?

So how was 2016 for you?

For the Public Courses in Howard County, Santa brought you a comprehensive social media campaign!  The Twitter accounts at most Howard County courses are the equivalent of Twitter eggs.  The Facebook pages aren’t much better.  It’s a great way to engage with your existing players and…wait for it…hopefully find new players!  If you haven’t sent out a tweet in over 12 months, what exactly is the point?  Not saying you should be posting a dozen times a day, but weather-related updates, specials, or the occasional promotion is exactly what you should be using these tools for!  And while you’re at it let’s give that photography a touch up and have something done that looks professional.  People are visual.  Have recent, relevant and professional photos (and while you’re at it, buy a drone and take some flyover photos of holes).

For Willow Springs Golf Course, Santa got you a new clubhouse.  Seems the least he could do what with the old one having burned down.  And don’t worry, it’s got a fully stocked pro shop and a grill with local beers on tap.   A great option for golfers who want something shorter but still challenging.

For Hobbits Glen Golf Course, it’s a new bridge to replace the one that got damaged in the July storms that damaged downtown Ellicott City!  No more backtracking!

Hey there Compass Pointe!  For tweeting out cart path only on Christmas Eve (makes sense in the rain), you get an increased maintenance budget!  So let’s really make your courses shine.  Offer not valid on #1 on the South/West routing.  It gets a big lump of coal.

For Waverly Woods Golf Course, Santa got you your very own Pace of Play program!  Use this, and watch pace of play improve!  Be amazed at on-course marshals enforcing pace of play guidelines and helping groups move along faster.  Watch as weekend morning groups complete their rounds in four hours or less!  You’ll be shocked when the slow-poke groups get named, shamed and moved along!

For the local area, Santa dug deep and got you an LPGA Tour stop!  For a few years the LPGA had an event at Bulle Rock up in Havre De Grace, but that’s no more and the LPGA hasn’t been back in almost a decade.  It’s time to end that.  Williamsburg, VA and Atlantic City are NOT the DMV so quit trying to pass that off.  Between UMD Golf Course, Laurel Hill, TPC Potomac, and Worthington Manor there are several fantastic layouts.  Ideally, you’d have an event after the Williamsburg and before the DMV event and then go on to Atlantic City afterwards…so a nice mid-Atlantic swing.

Timbers at Troy…you’ve been naughty more than you’ve been nice of late, but Santa is going to give you karma and plenty of dollars to get your badly-needed bunkers and restoration work done.  Let’s hope for a completion date in time for what Santa hopes will be an early start to spring.  Golf in Howard County is best when you have everyone working to be the best.

Sligo Creek, Gunpowder, and Patuxent Greens…you get extended leases.  Losing Sligo Creek or Gunpowder would hurt a lot of aspirational golfers in the area.  Patuxent Greens is a tricky layout; I’d like to make it a point to play it in 2017.

For Renditions Golf course, you’re also getting some money to put into maintenance and signage.  Seriously.  Your course should be in better shape.  Make it happen.

Enjoy some Christmas music (the first few seconds are off- then it gets better), and your holiday.  A year-end roast and another Infomercial Review are forthcoming.

 

 

 

 

Revealed- What Really Happened at the Nicklaus Ryder Cup Dinner

If you missed it, during the PGA Tour’s Honda Classic in March, Jack Nicklaus hosted a dinner for Ryder Cup captain Davis Love III and 40-or so hopefuls to make the 12-man team.

The American side had lost 3 straight Ryder Cups prior to this year’s win at Hazeltine, and hasn’t won in Europe since 1993 and only two wins (1999, 2008) prior, and the 2014 Ryder Cup didn’t exactly end well and by not ending well, it was a disaster.

So as you might imagine, the goal for the American side this year was to win back the Ryder Cup.  Rather than have another Task Force, Jack Nicklaus thought it would be nice to have a bunch of hopefuls at his house for dinner and a chat.  While the media wasn’t permitted, SGIC spies were there and took notes for me.  I was embargoed from writing this up until after the Ryder Cup.  By all accounts, it was a lovely evening and everyone had a good time.

Smile if you thought Tom Watson was a terrible Ryder Cup captain.

Smile if you thought Tom Watson was a terrible Ryder Cup captain.

They event took time out to enjoy some delicious Jack Nicklaus ice cream, and having stolen a pint, I have to say, it is delicious.

That moment just before Nicklaus knocks the spoon out of Fowler's mouth and says "ice cream is for closers, Rickie".

That moment just before Nicklaus knocks the spoon out of Fowler’s mouth and says “ice cream is for closers, Rickie”.

You might have heard that Tiger Woods was the first to arrive.  This is true, since he had to get a lift from Secret Tour Pro and Secret Tour Pro had to hustle to get to the European meeting that night, where European captain Darren Clarke got some of his lads together and took a slightly different tack on dessert.

Tastes like Victory!

The official dessert of Ireland, in pint form.  Tastes like winning.

The rest of the players either drove over or took Uber.  Davis Love III greeted each player as they walked in, and thanked them for coming.  Dinner, as you’d expect, was casual (burgers, chicken, and steaks on the grill- Jack runs a mighty fine grill but he will stab you in the eyes if you so much as look at his spatula or tongs), as Zach Johnson found out.  Tiger Woods immediately gave the dinner 4 stars on Yelp; you can see his review called “it’s good but not as good as my restaurant in Orlando!”

Ian Poulter drove by in one of his Ferrari cars with the “Ole, Ole Ole Ole” song blaring out of his car.  Jack was heard to say “impressive stuff from a guy with as many majors as Sergio Garcia and Barbara.”  I’ll leave this here for Poulter to enjoy:

After dinner, Jack gathered everyone in his family room for a friendly chat.  After the players all sat down, Jack asked everyone why they think they keep losing in this event but continue to do well in the Presidents Cup.

Tiger: Well, Jack, you notice I wasn’t on the 2014 team and I think having me there can make a huge diff…

Jack: Really?  You have one more Ryder Cup team win than my sons. You were 0-5 in 2012.  Try again.  Can you even walk 18 holes without breaking apart?

Jordan Spieth: Mr. Nicklaus, I think it’s down to confidence. We think…

Jack: Sure…YOU have confidence in your swing. I have confidence you’ll be Jim Furyk bald by the time we get to Hazeltine.  Seriously kid, here’s some Propecia and the number for Hair Club for Men.  Thank me later.

Patrick Reed: I don’t know what y’all are talking about. Didn’t you see me shhh those Haggis-eaters in 2014?

Jack:  Remind me who won. And seriously, those slacks you wear…Ian Poulter tweeted that he wants his look back. I better shut up because if he sees this it’ll be Twitter diarrhea from him.

Dustin Johnson: With my long game I think I would be helpful in the foursomes and four-balls.

Jack: True, but this means someone will have to break your leg with a tire iron to keep you off the course on Sunday, because your record on Sunday is uglier than a hat-full of assholes.

Rickie Fowler: Mr. Nicklaus, look at what I did last year at the Players Championship.  I know I can replicate that form at Hazeltine.

Jack: What form is that- making out with some pretty young thing after you won?  Too bad Skinamax isn’t showing the tournament.  Great job in Phoenix by the way.  You choked as bad as Cam Newton did in the Super Bowl.  You’ve got to figure out how to beat these guys when it matters.

Webb Simpson: I know I didn’t have a great Ryder Cup, but…

Jack: You were terrible.  Barbara, tie him up and make him listen to the audio book of my autobiography.

Barbara: Jack, I’m not sure that’s necessary…

Jack: You know that this idiot blogger we’re doing this for thought Webb Simpson was a good idea.  BRING HIM TO ME.

Bubba Watson: Mr. Nicklaus, I appreciate what you’re doing but I think we just need to have some good ole’ American spirit in the room and we’ll be fine.

Jack: Says the guy who drove around in The General Lee car…you do realize that nobody likes you for a reason, right?  Seriously fellas, it’s not that hard- why is it that you can play great week to week but you go up against a bunch of Europeans you fold up like Arnie used to fold up after I beat him in the 1962 US Open.  So there I was on 18, about 145 out from the pin…

Everyone: SHUT UP JACK!

Jack: Sorry…old habits die hard.  So anyway…you guys do great at the Presidents Cup, and they’ve got Jason Day, Adam Scott, and some other guys who can play.  So why do your collective sphincters tighten up at the Ryder Cup?

Jason Dufner: My sphincter is just fine…getting sleepy (he then fell asleep).

Jack: Anyone awake want to comment?

Woods: Freddie Couples didn’t do any of this crap.  We played ping-pong at night and then went out and played…that worked pretty well.  We made some suggestions….

Matt Kuchar: Did someone say ping pong (ambient noise and Kuchar gets up with two ping-pong paddles)?

Phil Mickelson: It’s on, chrome dome (sound of a ping pong table being rolled in, and several bets being placed).

Jack (to everyone): It’s okay, let ’em play ping pong as long as we don’t have to hear about any..

Phil: Before I beat Kuchar like a bowl of eggs, I put together a presentation that will show where we lost in 2014 and a detailed analysis showing coefficients and regression data that my girls put together…as you can see clearly…

Everyone: DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP!

Patrick Reed: I bet FIGJAM is his safe word.

Phil: See, that’s where you’re wrong.  Amy and the girls drew up this analytical chart, that shows exactly how we should prepare.  We’ll need the following items…a rock from the moon, two bars of soap, a leather belt, the phone number to Ladbrokes, and….

Everyone: WE’LL LET YOU WIN THE US OPEN IF YOU STOP TALKING.

Phil: I’m not sure…I mean, I spent a month on this.

Tiger: Four words…your own In-N-Out restaurant.

Phil: Done (sound of laptops being closed and equipment being put away).

Jack: What we need is that intimidation factor.  Someone who, when they see him, they’ll be intimidated.  Think about how Seve used to be intimidating…even Colin Montgomerie, in Ryder Cups, was nearly unbeatable.  We need someone to be that 13th man, that person who’ll scare them.

Tiger: Well, since you asked…

Jack: Not you.

Jordan Spieth: Mr. Nicklaus I’m happy to be that leader for the team.

Jack: That’s nice but you don’t scare anyone.  I mean someone REALLY scary who will do whatever it takes to win.

Zach Johnson: I’m proof that size doesn’t matter.

Everyone: Should we tell him…nah…

Jack (yelling into one of the guest bedrooms): No…look can you just come out and get this over with.

Arnold Palmer (walks out shirtless, crushes a beer can on his chest, rips chest hair off of his own chest and punches two holes in a wall and eats an entire steak with his hands): Do it for me.  Please.  Thanks fellas.

I think we know how this ended.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Silly Season Suggestions

It’s now December (and Verne Lundquist is signing off for the last time and will be missed by everyone), and unlike last year, the weather isn’t going to be conducive to any mid-month golf in spring/fall dress.  So your golf fix is largely going to be televised.  This coming weekend is the Franklin-Templeton Shootout which ends on Saturday (Golf Channel had the Thursday-Friday coverage and Saturday coverage went over to Fox).  So just when you thought you were done with Fox and their golf coverage…you’re not (in a perfect world Fox would just use the Golf Channel crew but we can’t have nice things, so there’s that).  However, Joe Buck was not there.  Whew.

Take the weekend off. Please.

Take the weekend off. Please.

While we’re talking about this tournament, Lexi Thompson is playing with Bryson Dechambeau and his sidesaddle putting stroke.  Which made me wonder?  Why not just pair up an LPGA pro with a PGA Tour pro?  Let them choose up sides if you want, or even better, have a fantasy draft!   You’re telling me Golf Channel wouldn’t air this live?  They’d air it live and run it back several times over.  The NHL All Star Game did this (starting in 2011; since discontinued), which gave us this bon mot:

I’m a died-in-the-wool Leafs fan and I still don’t know what the hell this was.  You can’t not watch but you can’t turn away.

What I’d do is have the guys seated, and draw a female player out of a hat.  She comes on stage, and picks her playing partner.  I’d allow trades (make the rules up as you go along-mostly to give the USGA an aneurysm).  Drinking?  Oh HELL YES.  Talking trash?  By all means.  I’d have all the players miked up.  Similar to what they do now, I’d play 2-man best ball two days, and a shamble the other day.  Have the women tee off a bit closer (7-8%).  Oh, I’d let them ride in carts.  With music.  The point is that it’s supposed to be fun.

So that’s problem #1 solved.

If it’s December, it also means that Golf Channel is in filler mode once the silly season events end (I’d expect that counter for the start of the PGA Tour season to be up any day now).  For the remaining two people who get Golf Channel and haven’t seen the edited-for-TV versions of The Trinity (that’s Caddyshack, Tin Cup, and The Legend of Bagger Vance), December is your lucky month.  I’m not remotely kidding.  I had a weird dream last night (and I have a lot of them) that someone decides to turn Tin Cup or Caddyshack into something similar to what Rocky Horror Picture Show is or The Big Lebowski (I’ve seen something similar at Lebowskifest, which was a tribute to The Big Lebowski).  Look- if I can’t get someone to play Judge Smails, Lacy Underalls or Danny Noonan, than my faith in humanity is for nothing.   Note to anyone from Golf Channel: if you’re reading this and you’re not thinking about it,  pour another tumbler of bourbon and think about it some more.  You could put this on tour and people would come, Ray.  People would come.

Tennis icon Arthur Ashe Playing golf during The Superstars.

Tennis icon Arthur Ashe Playing golf during The Superstars.

But more to the point is this…we need a new silly season event.  It came to me a few weeks ago, when after a long night of drinking (that’ll be enough judgement from you) I was watching ESPN Classic and the 70’s show The Superstars was on.  Take a bunch of professional athletes from all sports and let them compete in a bunch of silly events.  TV magic!  Arthur Ashe playing golf (see above).  Reggie Jackson swimming!  Roger Staubach riding a bicycle!   Short-shorts, and the likelihood of there being off-camera drinking at about 99%.

photo courtesy Getty Images

The buttery smooth swing of Charles Barkley. He’s committed. Or should be.

This got me thinking (as often happens when I’m watching TV and I’m half in the bag).  If you ever see me half in the bag with a steno pad and a pen, it’s a good time to be marginally worried.  We know that pro athletes love golf and many are really good at it (and a lot of NFLers are very good).  We also know that, in the 21st century, golf is one of those rare activities teams don’t mind players participating in.  So then I started thinking about something beyond a stroke-play event (NBC already shows a celebrity tournament from Lake Tahoe that features professional athletes, actors/actresses, and “other” celebrities).

Very talented basketball player plays golf. Film at 11.

Very talented basketball player plays golf. Film at 11.

But what about a team event?  At first I was thinking about something where the Championship teams would play against each other, but then it dawned on me that this could be difficult to pull off.  Then, much like that episode of Seinfeld when Costanza’s dad decides to bring back Festivus, it hit me like big shiny Festivus pole to the head-  have teams made up of players from each league!

NHL players playing golf? Why, I've never heard of such a thing!

NHL players playing golf? Why, I’ve never heard of such a thing!

If you timed it right (say July) you would have 3 of the big 4 team sports in their off season (NFL, NBA, NHL).  With 12 spots per team each league would have no problem finding willing participants (open it up to retired players if you want, or let each league pick 2 retired players to fill out their rosters).  If you wanted to include baseball players you could go with former players (and there’s a fair few who are pretty good).  Don’t want that?  Fine- find some former Olympic athletes (nice cross promotion for NBC/Golf Channel) and call it a ‘Team USA’ or something.  I’d have the players riding in carts and playing no more than 18 holes in a day (that should keep teams from concerns over health/safety).   Play the tournament over 3 days; crazy idea here but do a Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday dates.  That means no overlap with PGA/Euro/LPGA/Champions events (honestly, how many repeats of the Final Round of the John Deere Classic do you need?).

NFL kicker likes golf. Alert the news media.

NFL kicker likes golf. Alert the news media.

Have a purse that goes to the Players Associations benevolent/emergency funds (or they can name a charity); very little work (I’m sure you could find a few willing sponsors to put their name on this) would get you a $200K 1st place, $150K 2nd, $100K third and $50K 4th place (that’s $500K total).  If you were to sell tickets at $25 a pop (very reasonable) and sell 15,000 tickets TOTAL (5,000 per day), that’s $375,000 right there.  Throw up some premium seats and the purse is more than covered and you haven’t even sold advertising, concessions, parking, etc.

Golf Channel could produce it and control the rights (file under “hey, look at this content we have”).  Think about all those Shell’s Wonderful World of Golf and how those get edited down…bingo.  You could easily condense the final round into a 90 minute segment, which is wonderful filler.

How would this work, you ask?  Simple.

Monday: 3-man shamble.  Each “league” gets 4 groups (4 groups x 4 teams= 16 groups).  Run a 2-tee start and things get going quickly.

Tuesday: 2-man best ball.  Each “league” gets 6 groups.  Put 2 groups together and it’s 12 foursomes.  Again- 2-tee start to get things moving quickly.

Tuesday night: After two rounds, the team that’s in first plays the team in 4th, and the team in 2nd plays the team in 3rd in 9 holes of match play.  Teams submit orders.  Team that finishes first picks if they want to play the front 9 or back 9.  2nd/3rd match plays the other 9 holes (so things move quickly).  Ties settled by sudden death playoff by teams picking one player from their 12.

Wednesday: Teams play 9 holes of match play in the morning (just like the Ryder Cup; 12 singles matches).  Teams that win those matches play back 9 in championship match.  Tied after that?  Anchors (guys who went out 12th) play sudden-death playoff.

Think about the effort they put into the old Tavistock Cup; with a replication of effort they’d be able to put together a decent event and they’d have something they could re-air later in the year.  Not that the odd showing of one of The Trinity isn’t enjoyable, but we’re approaching Law & Order rerun territory, folks.  Don’t suppose you’d run that Perfect Club Infomercial again?

Where to hold it?  Not sure it matters; off the top of my head I’d say either the West Coast (California), or somewhere in the Great Lakes area (Michigan/Traverse City area, Kohler, etc.).  I’m saying no on Vegas because it gets ungodly hot in July, but if that would work then by all means go for it.  Play it at night under the lights if you want to!

Song of the Day

I heard Nice as F**k on SiriusXM a couple months ago.  If you can get past the NSFW name, the song is great.  Everything a pop song should be.  Have a listen.  Nobody will tell.

 

 

A Guide to Driving Ranges and Practice Facilities in the HoCo

Since I’m talking about practice facilities, the Blogger’s Code of Ethics requires that I post at least one pop culture reference.  Click on the video to hear Allan Iverson talk about practice.

Now that this bit of informality is out of the way, with December here (allegedly; wouldn’t know it with the 70 degree temps we had briefly this week as November bid adieu), it’s a surprisingly good time to hit the range.  It’s not as crowded, you’re not dealing with heat and humidity, and hopefully you’ve had a good season so hopefully this is about taking that next step in knocking a few strokes off of your index.

If, like me, you live in Howard County and want to stay in Howard County to practice, your options are limited but they do exist.  In pursuit of golfing mediocrity, I have personally tried and reviewed each facility.  You’re welcome.

Rocky Gorge Driving Range: Website rockygorgegolf.com is for sale (don’t ask)

Address: 8445 Old Columbia Road (Rt. 29).  Open 9:00 a.m.-10:00 p.m. (unless this changes)

Vibe: Mini-golf meets batting cages meets ridiculous rules run amok meets “what else are they doing here?”

Details: If you’ve ever been on Route 29 North and crossed the Patuxent River Bridge, you’ve probably seen it.  It’s on the right.  Maybe you’ve seen the car with a target on it in what looks to be a plowed field.  That’s the place.  It appears to be thrown together rather haphazardly.  You have a batting cage setup for baseball and softball players, and a driving range for golfers.  But wait!  There’s more!  There’s also a short game area that isn’t exactly well-maintained, and a mini-golf area.  As simple as this should be, they have these silly rules that defeat the purpose of the place.  For one, the “NO GOLF BAGS ALLOWED” sign.  At a driving range.  I asked why, and was given an angry lecture that made no sense by the woman who runs it (did she come from the now-defunct Trotters Glen?).  So if you choose this place, take your clubs out of the bag and carry them with you.  Don’t ask.  You pay at the counter for a bucket of balls that appear to be Y2K compatible.  Of course they have mats, and the mats are a bit worn (being polite here).  Despite all of this, if you drive past it you’ll see people beating balls so they have their regulars.  I put this place on a list along with Gunpowder and a couple other facilities that you wonder just how much longer they’re going to be in existence.  There’s a practice green that runs about a 3 on the stimpmeter.

If you go: With traffic on Route 29 being what it is, if you come from the south just know that you can’t turn left to go south on Route 29.  Drive up to MD-216 and navigate the traffic circles to get on Route 29 South.  Bring small bills with you and make sure you have your golf glove in your pocket.

Fairway Hills Golf Course/Driving Range: Website: https://www.columbiaassociation.org/facilities/golf/fairway-hills-golf-club/

Address: 5100 Columbia Road.  Open Daylight hours (range is not lit)

Vibe: No-frills public golf course

Wide Angle Photo of Fairway Hills Driving Range

Wide Angle Photo of Fairway Hills Driving Range

Details: Fairway Hills is one of 2 Columbia Association courses (the other, Hobbits Glen, is restricted to CA members who act like they own the damn place).  If their pro shop is small and spartan, the rest of the offerings are equally no-frills.  You buy a token in the pro shop and then use the token to get range balls out of a vending machine.  Pretty simple.  Other than a few covered spots, the range stalls are all open-air, so if you use them, you’re in the elements (no shade during the summer).  Mats are in good (not great) shape.  Range balls are in good shape as well.  There’s a small short game area where you can chip and putt, but the emphasis is on small (it can get crowded pretty easily).  It is, however, well maintained.  There’s a second small putting green that you can’t see in the photo.

If you go: The First Tee of Howard County is located at Fairway Hills so you might see them on occasion.

Hobbits Glen Golf Course/Driving Range: Website: https://www.columbiaassociation.org/facilities/golf/hobbits-glen/

Address: 11130 Willow Bottom, Columbia, MD 21044

Vibe:  Similar to that of Fairway Hills, but with the rarefied air of a quasi-private club setting.

Practice Green at Hobbits Glen. Hazy due to near sunset, not because I was drunk.

Practice Green at Hobbits Glen. Hazy due to near sunset, not because I was drunk.

Details: It looks quite similar to Fairway Hills, probably because they’re sister courses.  The picture above shows a large practice green (to the far right/middle is one of the greens on the golf course).  The mats are in good shape, and it’s a perfectly decent enough place to hit a bucket and work on your putting.  If you’re done and are hungry, might I suggest stopping in at The Turn House for a bite?  It’s nothing particularly notable but it provides you with everything you need.

If you go: They have several golf leagues and the like so it can be busy at times.

Timbers at Troy Golf Course/Range: Website: www.timbersgolf.com

Address: 6100 Marshalee Drive, Elkridge, MD 21075

Vibe:  It’s complicated.

Details: For several reasons the range is a bit of a hike from the pro shop; it’s down the hill and to the right (you get range balls down there as well, but at the last time I was there you bought your token in the pro shop).  The last time I was there some of the mats were in need of replacement.  There’s a small (emphasis on small) short game/chipping area near the area where you buy range balls at.  It’s not very well set up; it’s easy to get the area clogged up.  The best part of the facility is a very large and well-maintained (it was as of my most recent visit) practice green adjacent to the pro shop and the 1st tee.   If you wanted to just show up and work on your putting, this is a good place to do it.

If you go: Traffic getting out of there during the work week can be a challenge due to an office building on Marshalee Drive.  Hungry afterwards?  Pazani is on Marshalee drive near the Exxon station.  They do a decent pie and a good calzone.

Waverly Woods Golf Course/Range: Website: www.waverlywoods.com

Address: 2100 Warwick Way, Marriottsville, MD 21104

Vibe: Time to get down to business.

Practice Green/Short Game Area.  Great chance to chip, putt and hit sand shots.

Practice Green/Short Game Area. Great chance to chip, putt and hit sand shots.

Details: I love and hate this place.  Love the course, love the layout and the challenging holes and detest the pace of play that their marshals have decided is acceptable.  Practice facility?  Best in the county and it’s not even close (if you’re from Waverly Woods and you’re reading this, I’m not even remotely kidding- take a bow).  It’s Usain Bolt time.  During the warmer months their range is green grass (not mats).  That alone puts them ahead of the other places but the short game area is, in my humble opinion, the gem of this place.  Plenty of areas to chip, a bunker to work on sand shots, and shortly mowed and areas with rough to chip out of.  There’s a second non-chipping practice green next to the pro shop.  If they could improve pace of play (and for the record I’m begging them to do this) I’d be here every weekend saying “here, take my money” and I’d sing their praises like a damn fool.   Yeah, it’s a bit of a hike to get out here (it’s off of I-70) but it’s worth it.  The closest area facility is Olney Golf Park (and they can be peculiar).

If you go: If you’re going to use the range you might want to park near the range and not near the pro shop.  It can be a bit of a hike. The short-game area is close to the first tee and is a hike from the range (but worth it).

Willow Springs Golf Course/Driving Range: Website: www.willowspringsgolfcourse.com

Address: 12980 Livestock Road, Sykesville, MD 21784

The vibe: Hope springs eternal.

Details: As you leave the Baltimore area on I-70, you’ll pass by Waverly Woods and Turf Valley (note- Turf Valley resort is restricted to resort guests so I did not visit or review their facility, as a polite but firm young lady informed me when I called to ask), and a few miles later, you’ll come across Howard County Fairgrounds on one side of the highway, and Willow Springs on the other.   Their range is rather utilitarian; while it’s large enough with plenty of bays, the mats are in average shape.  The short game area is decent.  Not great, not bad.   While I haven’t played Willow Springs, I can tell you it’s an Executive length course (shorter par 4’s and par 3’s) which makes it a good option for golfers who aren’t that long off the tee but still want to tee it up.

If you go: Their pro shop burned down in November (I visited them prior to this happening) so please visit and be as patient as you can.

 

 

Golftec is Coming to Howard County

While we’ve enjoyed pleasant weather for the first half of November (allowing courses to stay open), the weather people are saying we’re supposed to have a cool-down and it’s looking highly unlikely we’ll have a repeat of last year when we were playing in December and around Christmas (let’s all pause and think about how great that was even if it didn’t make for a particularly festive setting for Christmas).  However, we can always hope!

Coming soon- a Golftec in Howard County.

Coming soon- a Golftec in Howard County.

Once it gets cold and courses start closing for the year, options become limited.  Some ranges stay open year-round, but that means battling the elements.  One option that’s coming for Howard County golfers in Golftec, which has a location in the works in Ellicott City.  While driving on MD-108 this past Sunday I saw a sign for Golftec but wasn’t sure if it was real or if I was hallucinating.  So after a workout this morning, I stopped by to take a further look and was pleased at what I saw.

Golftec is not a retailer in the vein of Golf Galaxy.  They specialize in lessons (they have indoor facilities) and club-fitting which are two things that we lack in the area (I’ve had a club-fitting at Golf Galaxy that was okay, but I was mostly decided when I walked in the store).  For Howard County golfers this option currently doesn’t exist, which means it’s trek to Montgomery County to one of two Golftec locations or Needwood GC who have an indoor simulator (they offer indoor leagues through Montgomery County Golf).

So in the same shopping center as the Coal Fire Pizza, the Glamour Shots, and a Cold Stone creamery, there will be (see the picture above) a Golftec moving in.  When I was there, two guys went inside the store (you can see their cars in the photo).   And if that’s not enough motivation, you can get Glamour Shots once you’re done (I’ve often wanted to recreate the Jan Stephenson bathtub photo- see below), and then grab a meal at Coal Fire Pizza, Urban BBQ or Starbucks.  Jokes aside it’s very close to Timbers at Troy (right off of MD-100) and is fairly convenient to Hobbit’s Glen or Fairway Hills as well.

I'm going to recreate this at Glamour Shots.  You're Welcome, Everyone.

I’m going to recreate this at Glamour Shots. You’re Welcome, Everyone.

As with my tweet I sent out on Sunday, no update from Golftec’s website about anything official or an opening date.  But, signage at the shopping center as well as front door signage bodes well.  Your faithful scribe will stay on top and continue to provide updates.  In the meantime, hit ’em straight.

 

 

Some Words About The John Daly ESPN 30-for-30

Few sports networks do as little to justify their bloated cost as ESPN does, but their skyrocketing costs for sports rights fees which may well end up being their demise if the rates of cord-cutting continue despite what they say publicly.  However, their 30-for-30 series of documentaries (going on 7 years since its inception) represent some of the best programming they’ve done (they’ve covered topics in a range of subjects such as the USFL, Steve Bartman, Magic Johnson, Len Bias, OJ Simpson (a 5-part series), the Hillsborough Disaster (largely unknown to American audiences), and the Wayne Gretzky trade).  If you haven’t watched the 5-part OJ documentary I cannot recommend it enough (if you do watch know that they have previously unseen crime scene photos that are VERY graphic).

photo from The Big Lead

A still shot from the John Daly 30-for-30

So when they announced they were producing a 30-for-30 documentary about John Daly (you can watch the trailer here), I hoped it would be as good as some of their recent offerings as it was the first full-length episode in the series to focus on golf.  Hit It Hard was certainly a well-produced and well-sourced documentary (the interviews with Jim Nantz and David Feherty are interesting but left me wanting more), but it was far too limited in its focus and left me wanting more.  What has made their previous offerings work is the ability to pull in both core fans of a subject and casual viewers.   It focused on his playing career from 1991-1995 (during which he won 2 majors), and then a fast forward to the 2015 Open Championship.  A casual fan will likely be sated, but there’s so much more to the man.

One huge facet that the directors missed was that the person who introduced John Daly to smoking was his college coach, Steve Loy (who encouraged it as a means of losing weight).  Fascinating and horrifying, but the directors decided to not acknowledge that Loy has been Phil Mickelson’s agent for well over 20 years.  Nothing against anybody but it is notable.  This could have easily been noted towards the end and is certainly interesting.

The documentary starts with Daly today, having gained back the weight he had lost through gastric bypass surgery (something that was not addressed), still smoking.  It then bolts back to the 1991 USPGA Championship and recounts Daly getting in as the 9th alternate and then winning the tournament; they have audio from the CBS/TNT coverage which helped accentuate the footage.

It then details his first fall from grace; with the money that came in after his win, we hear about the 1992 arrest for drinking, withdrawals from tournaments, and his admission that he never drank during a tournament round except for one round during the then-LA Open (tournament at Riviera).  We learn that Daly’s father was abusive and drank heavily, which could not have come as a surprise.

The documentary then advances to the 1995 (British) Open Championship at St. Andrews, where Daly won in a playoff over Constantine Rocca.  With access to the ABC coverage, it’s a reminder that Brent Musburger used to host ABC’s golf coverage.  Golf fans will remember, but casual fans will see Daly win in dramatic fashion.

The normalcy in Daly’s life is rather shocking; trips to Wal-Mart to buy groceries with his current partner, grilling steaks for a cookout, and watching his son play junior golf.  All things that any person will easily relate to doing in their lives.  And of course, the constant smoking.  Simply from a human perspective I hope Daly doesn’t suffer long-term from his smoking, but like many other things, the odds are stacked against him.

For some reason, we then skip 20 years forward to the 2015 Open Championship at St. Andrews, where (for me) the most touching moment occurs.  At part of a past-Champions celebration you see Daly and Arnold Palmer chatting; in this brief moment you can sense the respect that Daly has for the great man, and unfortunately, you can see that Arnie doesn’t quite look himself (I always imagine Arnie with that gleam in his eye ready to take on the course and find that old magic one final time).

To miss the years from 1996-2014 leaves a lot untold.  While there were plenty of bad (his propensity to withdraw mid-tournament when he was on a sponsor’s invite was particularly galling), I remember his win at Torrey Pines in 2004 for his short game (for big man who could hit the ball a ton, his touch around the greens was always amazing).  They may have been dark years for him, but to neglect to show that his popularity never waned despite him being up against the supernova that was early Tiger Woods misses an important part of his life.

This underscores the beauty and the tragedy of Daly; he remains a beloved figure (now playing on the Champions Tour) by many fans, but unfortunately his career will remain a sad case of “what if” given how things have played out.  Nonetheless, if you’re a golf fan or simply interested in a classic tragic yet beloved figure, Hit It Hard is well worth watching.

 

 

Dreaming of Something Great

And now, it’s back to golf and waving the flag for golf in Howard County from your intrepid blogger.

Majestic

Exterior of Hobbits Glen and The Turn House at night.

As maddening as supporting (and advocating its advancement) golf in Howard County can be, I firmly believe that the county can, and should, become a golf destination.  Adding a couple courses and working together towards a larger goal can put Howard County on the map.  I believe that Howard County can, and should, work to replicate what Montgomery County is doing (and done correctly can one-up our friends in the MoCo).  It’s only impossible if they don’t try.

To that point, you don’t do this at once; you do it by making a million small steps that always push towards that larger goal.  Last night, I saw first-hand what new thinking looks like, and what might well be a game-changing improvement to apres’-golf dining.

I won’t pretend that I haven’t been critical of Hobbits Glen in the past.  The last time I played there the pro shop looked like something from the 1970’s and their bar/grill was a dark, dingy place that was the polar opposite of inviting.  I never saw the ill-fated CoHo Grill, but my spies weren’t impressed.  The course itself should aspire to be the gem for Howard County golf, a title that sadly must remain vacant for several reasons (that’s a different column that requires a lot of alcohol).  Now the pro shop is larger and is more inviting, and that then-dingy bar and grill (now named The Turn House) sets a new high water mark for golf course dining.

Oysters, tartare, and a great cheese plate. Far better than your standard golf grill fare.

Oysters, tartare, and a great cheese plate. Far better than your standard golf grill fare.

Last night while attending a HoCoBlogs event, I saw what golf course dining can and should aspire to in the form of The Turn House (@theturnhouse).  It doesn’t (nor should it) have to be gloppy chicken wings and frozen, pre-packaged burgers, chicken fingers or mozzarella sticks.  The beer doesn’t have to be the boring national brands who make uniformly bad product.  Between Manor Hill and Jailbreak, Howard County is making some damn good beer that you’d actually want to drink.  The Turn House, under their new chef Thomas, plans to serve both Manor House and Jailbreak along with some other Maryland favorites that aren’t Natty Boh (Natty Boh is made in Wisconsin, if you’re curious).

The proverbial 19th hole, where you (hopefully) celebrate a good round or commiserate over a bad round, does not have to involve eating poorly.  Golfers can, and should, want to eat better.  If you’re going to eat a mediocre burger, why not eat a good one that has that nice beefy flavor?  If you’re going to enjoy a cold beer (and after a round a cold beer is one of those simple things that lets us know we’re alive), why not drink something that actually tastes like beer (a Manor Hill Katherine’s Kolsch or a Jailbreak Feed The Monkey are both great warm-weather beers made right here in Howard County).

Those are cupcakes topped with bacon. I did manage to NOT eat all of them.

Those are cupcakes topped with bacon. I did manage to NOT eat all of them.

The Turn House has several rooms (including a bar with several TV’s for watching a ballgame if that’s your thing) and has some of the best outdoor seating in the area.  Even if you don’t play golf, sitting outside on a how-is-this-November evening enjoying a cold beer is a great way to pass the time.   The space looks to work great for weddings and similar functions, and there are plans to have an outdoor beer garden in the warmer months.  It’s all part of asking questions about what’s possible, rather than accepting what is.

Montgomery County still has better courses that are better conditioned, but I defy you to find a better restaurant/bar at any course in Montgomery County.  It’s one step, but it’s an important one and one I’d like to see replicated.  The food at the MoCo courses is forgettable and the beer offerings are the same national brands that seem to be made for people who don’t really like beer all that much.

Their dinner menu holds promise and can hopefully become a place people might hope to dine at.  After a round, why not stick around and enjoy a cold beer or two (or a properly-made cocktail) in a brightly-lit bar with great views of the course?  Have lunch there while you’re at it!  They’re hosting a Bourbon and Cigars event on November 14th that holds promise and an example of what is possible.

Fresh oysters, a cheese board, a Pimento cheese dip that had a nice kick (and wouldn’t make a bad sandwich), and some locally sourced sausage were all outstanding examples of elevating things.  Bacon-topped cupcakes were a nice mix of sweet and savory (it took no small amount of discipline to not grab the tray and run for it).  For golfers, under a GM who comes from a hospitality background (and a local-boy done great chef in Thomas Zippelli), the plan is to upgrade the offerings at the course’s halfway hut (also named The Turn House) and add a hot dog, a burger, and local beer offerings and cocktails to the beverage cart.  If you can drink a Jailbreak or Manor Hill, why would you ever drink something else?

 

 

It’s Been a Year But He’s Still Missed By Everyone

Note: This is a non-golf post that is non-political.  Trust me. I can’t wait to get back to doing course and equipment reviews. I wouldn’t wish the last 12 months of my life on anyone. It’s been uniformly horrific. So indulge me a bit more.  Thanks, SGIC.

I still miss this little guy every day. We should all strive to be more like you.

I still miss this little guy every day. We should all strive to be more like you.

It was a year ago today that we said goodbye to Molson, our oldest greyhound (seen above), sending him over what greyhound people refer to as the rainbow bridge.  I’d like to say that in 365 days I’ve moved on, and to some extent I suppose we have, but in a lot of ways, I never will.  It’s said that dogs pick their humans and not the other way around.  Molson was that dog who literally found us in a store at an event.  He decided that he was going home with us and in many ways was the true ruler of our house for the 9+ years we had him.

Wise beyond his years.

Wise beyond his years.

He wasn’t the swiftest (he wasn’t much of a racer) or the most energetic but he was, and remains, the sweetest.  He wanted to be everyone’s friend, be they 5, 95 or any age in between.  If our friends’ twins got in his crate with him, he didn’t care (he was just happy they were petting him).  Don’t tell me was “just a dog” because that says you never met him.  Every day was a gift, every ear rub or pink belly was the best thing ever.  Every toy he had was the best toy ever.  My request?  Be more like Molson.  Be kind to each other.  Take naps.  Be sweet and charming.   Run if you feel like it.  Make every day awesome.  Cheer someone up for no reason whatsoever.   Run in the snow just because.  And sometimes, just be a huge goofball for no reason at all.

Expect that whatever is behind that door will probably be wonderful.

Expect that whatever is behind that door will probably be wonderful.

 

 

The USGA Must Move the 2017 US Women’s Open

Note: Ordinarily I would never involve anything political in what is and shall remain a golf blog and this entry is one where I have tried to leave politics out of things and focus on something golf-specific.  I have thought about this issue for several months, and the case I’m going to make is solely based on the best interests of the game.  I’ve written three different drafts about this and thrown them away because I didn’t like the tenor.  This isn’t about me; it’s about the message it sends to the best female golfers in the world and the simple fact that they deserve the greatest stage possible for this country’s national championship (and not the optics and distraction that holding this event would bring).  My larger issue was, is, and remains the thought process with the USGA who simply cannot allow a national championship to be held at venues owned by people who clearly do not welcome and value women.  This has nothing to do with what happens on November 8th but everything about not forcing athletes to have to play a major championship at a course named by someone who has made reprehensible comments about women on a regular, ongoing, and pervasive basis.

The USGA, which is the governing body for golf in the United States, has made a raft of terrible decisions in the last several years (I’ve tried to chronicle them with evidence).  While many of them cannot be changed, one decision that they must make is the moving of the 2017 US Women’s Open away from Trump National GC in New Jersey.   It should have never been awarded, and even if removing it means writing a check, it has to be done sooner than later rather than have this fiasco occur.   Below I’ve listed each reason with an explanation.

1) Unlike Augusta National (which is a private course that can sustain itself without certain revenue sources), the USGA needs advertising revenue and the money they get from Fox.  When Augusta National was protested by Martha Burk in 2003 and 2004, they simply canceled advertising and ran the tournament commercial-free, which kept sponsors out of hot water.  To the club’s credit, their membership has become more diverse with the addition of at least two women (including Stanford President Condozoleeza Rice).  The USGA does not have this luxury.  They need TV sponsors and they need the ad revenue.  So go ahead and find sponsors who are willing to deal with the inevitable optics that are forthcoming (if you’re a member of one of these companies PR teams, might want to stock up on Red Bull now).

2) It’s unfair to the players.  If this is the National Championship, then the USGA has a duty to conduct a championship free of distractions.  You’re putting players in a terribly awkward position (and I will freely admit that opinions of the players will be all over the board; I’ll also freely admit that several players will have well-crafted responses that say nothing about this budding controversy and I’m sure you’d find multiple players who will have voted for the individual in question).  The USGA already has a policy about not using courses that discriminate based on gender and race.   You’ll turn this tournament into a sideshow that will make the 1990 PGA Championship (more on that later) look like fun times.  You can pick a dozen courses that would easily hold this tournament without controversy.  It’s an unnecessary distraction.  The US Open is hard enough.

3) The USGA talks about growing the game.  So why patronize someone who considers golf to be a game only for the rich (which runs counter to the USGA’s message)?  My larger issue is that why would you have ever gone to this individual in the first place?   To their credit the USGA has tried to push the men’s Open to more public courses (some have gone better than others, but it’s still a noble idea).  If you’re going to use private courses, why not ones that aren’t a PR nightmare?  Off the top of my head, I’d LOVE to see the USGA let the women have a crack at Bethpage Black (I’m sure the women would relish the opportunity), and Christina Kim’s love of Oakmont (and its rich history) makes it a no-brainer.  What about Riviera in Los Angeles, or Torrey Pines in San Diego (both classic, worthy tests that the women have yet to see in a major)?  Or Pebble Beach?  The women deserve the right to play these classic tracks; Fox would love it because they’re not trying to deal with an unknown course (plus, by going West you take thunderstorms out of the equation).  What about Kiawah Island or Harbour Town?  Heck, bring it to the local area and play it at Congressional!

4) Back to the 1990 USPGA Championship at Shoal Creek.  The club president (Hal Thompson) was asked about why they didn’t have any African-American members, and he responded with “that’s just not done here” which meant that all anyone remembers about that tournament was the controversy (Wayne Grady won if you’re curious).  The PGA of America could have, and should have, moved the event.  They didn’t.  Every single day that the USGA sits around and doesn’t move the event makes it that much harder to move.  If they want to wait until after the election, then fine…but make the call and make it defiantly.   The US Women’s Open should be about (as the USGA likes to say) identifying the best player and not about 2 weeks of controversy over why they chose the venue that they did (and everything the course’s namesake has said will come tumbling out).  This isn’t fair to the 156 women who will tee it up.

5) Messaging and sportsmanship.  The comments made about women by the man whose name is on the course are uniformly deplorable.  I’ve never heard Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer or anyone in the game talk like that.  To put the world best female golfers in a place whose namesake speaks the way he does simply cannot be allowed to happen.  The point of golf is this- it doesn’t matter where you’re from or what your faith is.  On Thursday of the tournament everyone starts at the same spot and whoever is the best over the 4 days wins.  That’s the beauty of sports.  You don’t get a head start because you’re from a specific part of the world, nor do you get penalized for your beliefs or your orientation.  The best player wins.  That’s one of the things I love about the sport; how you’ll see a scene like last summer when so many of his fellow pros congratulated Dustin Johnson either at the course or on Twitter.  He played fantastic and deserved to win.  Or how so many LPGA pros congratulated Brittany Lang on her win at CordeValle but all felt terrible at how the USGA completely mishandled a penalty to Anna Nordqvist.  It’s what makes golf unique.  Their athletic abilities are what we should be celebrating, not their looks on a 1-10 scale.  Your clubs, the ball, and the course don’t care if you’re a model or not, or if you’re thin or not.  Not how, but how many.

So move the tournament.   Do it now.  For the good of the game.

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