Tag: Festivus

The Second Annual SGIC Airing of the Grievances

Screw cookies and milk. I prefer bourbon. And a dozen ProV1’s.

What a year 2019 has been in golf.  The top story depends on where you’re from.  If you’re in the US then Tiger winning the Masters probably tops it.  European audiences may think Shane Lowry winning The Open at Portrush is the bigger deal.  Asian audiences may look towards the LPGA Tour for their bigger story.  There’s much to celebrate.

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And yet, a year later and boy, do I have some problems with a lot of you people.  So sit down, pour yourself a drink, and get comfortable.  Don’t even think about taking me on in feats of strength.

Patrick Reed: The dunce cap in human form.  Blatantly cheats during a limited field tournament in the Bahamas and provides the kind of bullshit story that no partially sane person with eyes would believe.  Then goes to Australia for the Presidents Cup and doubles down.  His caddie ended up shoving/pushing a fan.  Once a cheater, always a cheater.  He did this crap in college and is replicating form.  There’s no more benefit of the doubt with this clown.  Have cameras on him during every hole of every round because there’s no way you can trust him.

Bryson Dechambeau: May you lose majors after rightly getting hit with stroke play penalties.  Speed the hell up.  2 1/2 minutes for an 8 foot putt?  You should be forced to eat that stupid Hogan flat cap after it’s been dunked in Donkey Sauce.  You and JB Holmes should be forced to play together and be permanently on the clock.

USGA: Hey, you managed to not screw up the course at Pebble Beach.  Hooray!  Granted, overcast skies and cool temps with light wind helped.  Maybe take a trip to the Open Championship to see what they do.  No trickery, and no obsession over protecting a score.  Set up the course to be tough but fair, and what happens, happens.   Gary Woodland was fantastic tee to green at Pebble Beach and earned the win.  Winged Foot is similar; the less you do, the better.  Don’t overthink it.

European Tour: With Ireland picked to host the 2026 Ryder Cup the next one should go to the Old Course.  They last hosted in 1969.  This is a no-brainer.  Everyone knows the course.  17 and 18 are as great as it gets for match play.  DO IT.

R&A: You did a good thing by taking the Open to Portrush.  A rota of the Old Course, Royal Liverpool, Royal Troon, Royal St. Georges, Portrush, Carnoustie, and Muirfield (Lytham and Royal County Down as ‘secondary’ options) should do just fine.  Prestwick, Sunningdale can be added for the women’s rota.

PGA Tour: Can we talk about marijuana?  Please?  It’s time to take marijuana off the banned substance list.  Guys are using CBD, and as a former pot smoker, it’s not a stimulant.  As I’ve said before, I smoked it to help relieve stress at night so I could sleep better.  It’s legal in several states and this is all going in one direction.  Join the 21st century.

PGA Tour Rules Officials: Can we stop with the ‘won’t someone think of the children’ as an excuse to not enforce the rules?  So we give player X the benefit of the doubt who then knocks Y and Z out of the top 125 and back to the Korn Ferry Tour?  Either enforce the rules as they’re written or find people who will.  Looking at you, Slugger.

CBS: Just put Frank Nobilo into the 18th hole chair next to Nantz.  Please.  I’d take Nobilo 8 days a week over Azinger.

FOX: Just admit you’re not very good at this and move on.  You’re the drunk guy at a bar who’s pissed his pants, can’t stand up and still thinks he’s good to drive home.

NBC/Golf Channel: Quit screwing around with your LPGA coverage.  Live coverage on weekends is the absolute minimum, and this gong-show you keep doing with their Tour Championship is asinine.  On weekends, CNBC should become Golf Channel Plus (I don’t think people will mind losing a seventh rerun of some episode of Shark Tank).  You’re welcome.

NBC/Golf Channel: What part of “show live golf” is beyond you?  The Presidents Cup coverage was worse than terrible.  Showing people standing around looking at yardage books during the “playing through” bit doesn’t cut it.

New Media: There are outfits who do a great job (none of these folks I have any kind of relationship).  Looking at you, No Laying Up, Shane Bacon, Stephanie Wei and several other well-run blogs and websites that produce some truly great stuff.  Quality content is quality content.  Don’t steal content or fail to provide attribution and then get whiny when you get called on it.  You know who you are.  Also- you aren’t the story (and if you don’t get this, then get out NOW).  So don’t make yourself the story.

Time Rosaforte: Happy retirement but you’re leaving a giant hole in coverage.  One of the true “good eggs” out there who was always worth tuning in for.  You’ll be missed.  Dammit.  Rosaforte and Nobilo leaving at the same time is…not good (I’ve been a fan of Nobilo for some time).

University of Maryland: Quit screwing with the golf course.  Leave it the hell alone.  It’s a true hidden gem and a great test of golf.  Plus it’s open green space.  You can’t just pave everything over.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Festivus, Happy Winter Celebration.  Enjoy some great holiday music.  Miss you always Kirsty.

 

The First Annual SGIC Airing of the Grievances

It’s December 23rd, which is the official (sort of) day of Festivus.  A made-up holiday from a TV show (Seinfeld) about nothing.  Which somehow, seems perfect given where we are.  Don’t understand?  Fine, here’s an explanation:

For me, this started shortly after, when I was working for a large company who calls this area home.  This was my first exposure to the cube farm, and everyone in the group I was in decided to go all-in on decorating their cubes to celebrate Christmas (for the record, I don’t have an issue with Christmas but I do mind how one holiday has become a 10-week orgy of crass consumerism and people get into fistfights over buying things, and get worked into a blind rage over coffee cups, and saying ‘Happy Holidays’ as opposed to ‘Merry Christmas’).  For those of you who don’t know me, know that my default setting is that of a provocateur.  A shit-disturber.  Anyway, with everyone seemingly not doing their actual jobs and spending hours upon hours channeling their Martha Stewart-Sandra Lee “best” selves, I went the other way, and asked about why we weren’t honouring Festivus.  I brought in a Festivus pole, wrote a poem, challenged my coworkers to feats of strength, began airing my grievances, and generally caused a grand-canyon sized divide in the office.  You’re welcome.

In previous years, I’ve done the Santa thing and I may well come back to that in 2019.  But given what 2018 has been, I had a change of heart.  It started yesterday while I innocently sought something to eat and was subject to a mass of humanity surrounding me while I attempted to eat my lunch in relative peace.  Today, I had to go to Costco and I’d politely describe the crowd as being slightly more violent than the crowd at your average punk concert circa 1984.  I was not pleased.  The fuse was lit.

So on that note, allow me to pour myself a vat of bourbon, stand by the shiniest of Festivus poles, and air my grievances.  I’ve got a lot of problems with you people.

Patrick Reed: I’m not even sure where to begin.  You won a Masters and then turned into a full-blown diva.  Sorry those FREE Red Sox tickets weren’t good enough (there’s 200,000 kids in Boston who’d happily take them).  You showed your ass at the Ryder Cup and “allegedly” got into a fight with Dustin Johnson and had a spat with Tiger.  And seemingly everyone else.  Keep blaming everyone else.  I hope your game goes full Ian-Baker Finch, and you show up at Augusta in 2032 as your only event of the year where you post 88-84 and people have to wear helmets to see you play.

PGA Tour: The DC area has supported its tour stop through every possible form of weather known to man.  We’ve had a derecho, a Tuesday finish, flooded out courses, and more.  So thanks for bailing on us for other places.  Karma’s a bitch, as you’ll find out.  Eat it.

The “The US Ryder Cup Team Is Unbeatable” Think Pieces: Stop it.  The US is tough to beat on home soil.  Not so much when they’re playing in Europe.  Accept, breathe, move on.

Backstoppers: Just stop it already.  Mark your god damn ball, and not with a poker chip.  Just use a dime.  Simple.

CA Courses: Join the 21st century.  Every other course allows on-line bookings, but not you guys.  It would be one thing if Hobbits Glen and Fairway Hills were the Pine Valley of the area.  They’re not.  Both tracks are having some real problems right now.  Maybe, and I’m just spit-balling here but maybe don’t make us regular folks have to go through a rigmarole to make a damn tee time.  Every other course in the area literally makes it EASY to do business.  But not you guys.

The USGA: Shinnecock and Oakmont were supposedly incapable of being screwed up, and yet, you manage.  Do they have Paint Chip day for lunch on Tuesdays?  Maybe quit getting a collective boner over protecting par and let the course play.  Sure- grow the rough up but don’t turn the greens into parking lots.  Did you watch the Open Championship?  Notice how green the greens were?   Bingo.  Really looking forward to see how bad you can manage to screw up Pebble Beach next June.

People Who Yell Crap During Tournaments: The second time someone yelled Baba Booey it stopped being funny.  Just stop.  I hope these people get thrown into an active volcano.

Guys Who Dress In Full PGA Tour Pro Scripting:  Were you not loved as a child?  Black pants and a red shirt when it’s 95 degrees and swamp-like doesn’t make you cool.  All-orange?  Who hurt you?

People Who Don’t Fix Divots and Ballmarks:  While you’re standing there picking your nose waiting for your partner to plumb-bob a 4-footer to save triple bogey, fix that mini-crater you made.  Divot repair tools are cheap.  Hell, I’ll GIVE YOU ONE.  You’re in the fairway.  After you take a snowboard-sized divot laying over your 7-iron, replace it.  Divot gone?  Great- take some of that mixture that’s in your cart and pour it in the hole.  Smooth over.  Done.

Guys Who Flirt With the Beverage Cart Girl: She’s old enough to be your daughter.  So stop it.  Plus, there’s probably several groups being held up while you pull this crap.  So don’t.  Seriously.  How would you like it if you were trying to get something done and people were bothering you?  Buy your stuff, tip well, and move along.  If you really had game she’d flirt with you.  And ask for your number.

People Who Don’t Rake Bunkers:  Unless the course treats bunkers as waste areas, rake it.  No, it’s not going to slow you down.  Have one of your playing partners mark your ball while you rake, and they can finish out.  Simple.

Courses Who Don’t Notify About Aeration:  You lying and crooked bastards.  Note that “if” you aerate and post it, I’ll be MORE inclined to play at your course.  Because you’re being honest, and that works for me.  It happens in the spring and again in the late summer/fall.  We understand.  So tell the truth and you shall be rewarded.

The People Trying to Put an End to UMD Golf Course:  God forbid we have a public course inside the beltway AND a home for the men’s and women’s golf teams.  Seriously- get bent all of you.  It’s not some swanky private club.  It’s open to the public.  AND, it’s a fantastic layout that gets pretty regular use by the public.  How many damn football fields does the football team need?  It’s not like they’re any good.  Sure glad they spent all that money adding seats at the stadium that sit empty.

High Handicappers Who Play From the Tips:  Oh, you want to see all of it…great.  Turn what should be a 4-hour round into a 5+hour slog and grind the course to a halt.  Check your ego, and play from a set of tees more in line with your game.  You’ll have fun and you’ll finish sooner.

People Who Use Poker Chips as Ball Markers: You sort of destroy the point of a ballmarker.  Use a dime.  Save the chips for the casino or your poker night.

The Golf Ball Picker-Upper: Take a minute or two to find your ball.  If not, drop and take a penalty stroke.  Stopping to pick up balls…seriously?  Balls aren’t that expensive.  No, I don’t want one.  By all means, sneak back once it’s dark and help yourself.

The Caddyshack Guy:  Look, when I played beer league hockey you’d have Slap Shot guy.  And once or twice a game it’s funny.  Same goes for Caddyshack guy.  When we’re at the turn and you’ve made a dozen references nobody’s laughing.  We’re all hoping a grizzly bear comes along and eats you.

May your Festivus pole be bright and shiny!  And remember- when you tell someone how they’ve disappointed you in the last year, it’s because you care.