Tag: Golf course (page 2 of 10)

SGIC’s Rage-Fueled Guide to the 2019 Golf Digest Holiday Guide

December 6, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Linus is hoping everyone enjoys the holiday season!

What a year 2019 has been.  Stop for a moment and let’s reflect on everything that has happened over the last 12 months.  I’m sitting here by the fireplace having a cup of hot cocoa* (I’m drinking my fifth tumbler of rye on the rocks but calling it cocoa) while my dog snores and farts.  What could possibly make this frigid evening better?  Why it’s the arrival of the 2019 Golf Digest Holiday Gift Guide!  Behold!

Unlike last year, there are no leggings or pantaloons of any kind.  I DEMAND PANTALOONS.  In tartan, of course.  I want tartan everything.  GIVE ME YOUR FINEST TARTAN!  MOISTURE WICKING TARTAN!

Since there is no tartan, the people at Golf Digest have been busy at work putting together a list of items that they believe are what golfers want for the holidays (they are, as usual, wrong).  So let’s take a look at the fine offerings that have been curated for my discerning taste, shall we?

And like last year, much thanks to Drew Magary for inspiring this.  Hopefully you land on your feet and are blessed with many ramekins of delicious treats.

Beats Solo 3 Wireless Headphones

Beats Solo 3 Wireless Headphones

Price: $200.

They say: A look, feel and sound that’s bold— even if your music isn’t. The fine-tuned acoustics will make any track bounce.

SGIC says: The human clown car wearing headphones that appear to be from the Guy Fieri collection is going to be an absolute delight for that 7-hour round, but that’s okay while Logan listens to some godforsaken world music while taking 4 minutes to miss a six-footer for a triple bogey.  The social skills of a fence post, four practice swings, taking pictures of EVERYTHING (for the ‘gram, naturally) and the inability to break 120 come standard with these.  Unless you’re dropping that bass at the club during your DJ gig these are a total waste.  It’s as bad as assholes who wear Apple Air Buds everywhere.

Demerbox Game Day DB2 Speaker

Demerbox Game Day DB2 Speaker

Price: $349

They say: Built into a durable pelican case, this waterproof outdoor speaker delivers storage and professional-grade sound quality in an ultra-portable design.

SGIC says: To quote from Judge Smails, CUT THAT OUT!  $350 for something that looks like an emergency repair kit you’d keep in your car?  Is listening to Nickelback really that big of a deal?  I point this out because it’s an absolute guarantee that people who insist on taking something like this with them to the course have terrible taste in music and will be hard of hearing ensuring everyone gets to listen to their dirge.  Sure glad it’s ultra-portable though.  Portable just isn’t enough.

Psychobunny Aaron Windbreaker

Psycho Bunny Aaron Windbreaker

Price: $198

They say: A packable, wind-and-waterproof jacket that will pop even under the darkest skies.

SGIC says: Confession: I own a psychobunny tshirt.  Pretty plain, tiny logo.  Overpriced.  Exactly how I feel about this.  For $200 I can buy something from Zero Restriction that I know is actually waterproof.  Plus, it wasn’t designed for golf so how well it holds up with a golf swing is up for debate.  Who’s Aaron, by the way?

Mont Blanc Sunglasses

Montblanc Sunglasses

Price: $2,020 (not a typo).

They say: The subtle map design on these titanium glasses is only visible from the outside, giving them a crisp, out-of-this-world look.

SGIC says: When I spend two grand on sunglasses three things happen.  1) She Who Is Really In Charge does not react well and gives me the death stare 2) I look like a complete dipshit 3) I will drop them and ruin them.  I spent $220 on a pair of custom golf-specific Oakley sunglasses 7 years ago and still question the decision (I still have them and like them).  But wow, I never bought sunglasses that have a subtle map design that’s visible from the outside before.  I bet wearing these will impress Aiden, Muffy and Trevor at the club while we complain about the poors and drink Dr. Pepper from $200 stemware.  And when I think of sunglasses, I always want to go with a company best known for making pens.  Christ- it’s like someone from Golf Digest thinks that your average reader is thinking “I mean, I could spend two grand on a golf trip to Myrtle but man I need sunglasses that make me look like a douchebag!”

Blair’s Belts Alligator Belt

Blair's Belts Alligator Wallet

Price: $295

They say: A luxe leather cash cover to keep your green safe and stylish.

SGIC says: You can’t buy this unless you get the matching belt and shoes.  BTW, you know who could totally pull this off?  Phil.  I’m sure that when he’s in Saudi Arabia it’ll go over well with the Sheik at the Palace.  That’s it.  You, me, anyone else?  Hell no.  Who buys someone a $300 wallet other than people who read the Robb Report and complain how it’s gone all mainstream and think Wheels Up is tacky.

Casio Pro Terek Smart WSD-F30 GPS Watch

Casio Pro Trek Smart WSD-F30 GPS Watch

Price: $549. Not a typo.

They say: A quality outdoor watch with the golf and smartwatch features you need. Get hole layouts and yardages via the Hole19 app, track activity, receive notifications and review forecasts on a compact-yet-vivid design.

SGIC says: Eat shit.  I’d rather listen to the 877-KARS-4-KIDS song in a broom closet with the two goobers from MVMT watching JB Holmes lose pace to an ice floe than spend $550 on a Casio watch.  It’s a watch.  It tells time.  You know what works great for a GPS device is your smart phone with the Hole19 app, or a rangefinder.  You can watch porn on your smartphone (from what I hear).  Casio watches should never cost more than a case of PBR.  Hell, they should come with one.  SGIC 2020, buy a case of beer, get a free Casio watch!  Plus, you know that the asshole using this thing will need three minutes to get his yardage nailed down so he can duck hook a 3-wood into a hazard.

Bluegrass Fairway Waxed Canvas Valuables Pouch

Bluegrass Fairway Waxed Canvas Valuables Pouch

Price: $38

They say: Handmade in the United States, this water-resistant pouch is lined with a soft, tartan fabric to keep your valuables protected inside and out.

SGIC says: Tartan fabric, people!  Now we’re talking.  I NEED TARTAN.  I’m a supporter of BIG TARTAN.  But $38?  Someone should buy this for an office gift exchange just to make the “you can put your balls in it!” joke.  You know what’s cheaper and better?  A Crown Royal pouch (my personal option).  And with the pouch, you get a free bottle of Crown Royal!  Put the Pine Valley or Masters logo on it and they’ll fly off the shelf.  This thing looks like it should have a bolo tie in it or something.

G/FORE Pray For Birdies Beanie

G/FORE Pray For Birdies Beanie

Price: $120

They say: A soft cashmere-wool hat to keep you warm and under par all winter long.

SGIC says: It’s a toque.  Skull cap…sure.  Beanie sounds like something Flounder from ‘Animal House’ would wear to try to pledge Delta House.  There’s a guy named Trevor or Hunter in Brooklyn who will totally buy this.  Serious golfers?  No chance.  It’s golf apparel for people who don’t play golf.  Pass.

Crab & Cleek Turkish Towels

Crab & Cleek Turkish Towels

Price: $32 each

They say: For a unique and elegant addition to the bag, these customizable Turkish cotton golf towels have a terry-cloth liner that will keep your clubs fresh.

SGIC says: Some poor bastard is getting this for Christmas along with a set of neoprene iron covers and a set of naked lady tees right before they decide to ditch golf and take up lawn darts or huffing glue as their preferred recreational activity.  I mean, do you really need TURKISH cotton?  Is Pima or Egyptian cotton not good enough anymore?  I used “borrowed” gym towels that worked great.  Think about what you use your towel for; do you really need fine Turkish cotton?  No.  You do not.

Theragun Liv

Theragun Liv

Price: $249 and your pride

They say: This massage gun uses percussive therapy—or rapid, repetitive strokes—to stimulate blood flow and heat for more effective muscle recovery, pain management and stress relief.

SGIC says: This thing looks like someone duct-taped a Hitachi Wand on a triangle.  I mean, I bet a lot of people can use this for stress relief and to stimulate blood flow (hey-yoooo).  I totally get that.  But…THIS LOOKS LIKE A VIBRATOR.   Like something you’d see on an Adam & Eve infomercial (something I’d never, ever watch).   And $250?  No, I don’t know what size batteries this uses nor do I know if you can some how link it to your smartphone.

Hay Sowden Bottle

Hay Sowden Bottle

Price: $35 (12 ounce) $40 (17 ounce).

They say: Make hydration more appealing with this stainless-steel bottle that’s suitable for hot or cold drinks and looks like a work of art.

SGIC says: They look like giant salt and pepper shakers that are plotting revenge.  40 bucks for a water bottle that holds less than 20 ounces?  GTFO.  Buy a Yeti.  Cheaper, bigger and they work great.  This looks like something you’d use on your Peloton (presumably beating your husband with it for blowing 2 grand on an exercise bike).  Oh, and those ‘videos’ you can watch with the instructors?  I hate those people.  If  you ever see me inside a Soul Cycle call 911 because I’ve been kidnapped.

Imperial The Breck Rope Cap

Imperial The Breck Rope Cap

Price: $30 and all the ridicule you can handle

They say: This customizable corduroy hat was inspired by a piece in the company’s 1988 collection—bringing enduring style and refinement to winter attire.

SGIC says: You should get a free bowl of soup with this, because at least then you’d have soup.  When I think of refinement in haberdashery, corduroy isn’t what I’m thinking of.  Rope hats are ugly so by all means let’s bring them back.  Throw this thing into an active volcano.  Seriously…corduroy?  On a hat?

J Lindberg Clint Wool Coolmax Sweater

 

J.Lindeberg Clint Wool Coolmax Sweater

Price: $225 (therapy not included)

They say: A moisture-wicking, breathable wool-blend layer that will add class, color and warmth to any outfit.

SGIC says: A huge epic fail.  No big and tall sizes because J Lindberg is made for 12-year old boys who resemble a match stick, plus it’s the kind ugly where you need two of these: 1 to shit on, the other to cover up said shit with.  Who’s spending $225 to look like you eat crayons because they taste good?

Seamus X Denton Watts Skull & Crossbones Field Book (scorecard holder)

Seamus X Denton Watts Skull & Crossbones Field Book

Price: $95

They say: Ready to record the deadliest of scores, this white-leather scorecard holder can double as a passport protector.

SGIC says: If you wear a white belt with black socks and play from the tips despite your 22 index, have we got a deal for you.  No.  Absolutely not.  When the economy craters next year (consumer debt is at an all-time high per capita) people are going to look at crap like this and question their judgement.  As they should.  The first person to DM me will get a free scorecard holder that came with a purchase from TGW.

Jones X Buscemi Slide

Jones X Buscemi Slide

Price: $200. For slides.

They say: Handmade in Italy, these limited-edition slides offer the simple elegance your feet deserve after 18 holes.

SGIC says: Huzzah!  Tut tut…surely Trevor and Lord Shinytaint will not have someone wearing these in the Members Grill after 18 holes.  The humanity!  One exception: wear these bad boys with knee-high black socks and see what happens.  But hurry…they’re limited edition!  You don’t want BIG SANDAL getting over on you, do you?  Does buying a pair of these get you lunch with Steve Buscemi?  Asking for a friend.  Can you wear them while getting sun on your bunghole?

Hillrock Estate Solera-Aged Bourbon

Hillrock Estate Solera-Aged Bourbon

Price: $100

They say: This groundbreaking New York State bourbon hangs with Kentucky’s best.

SGIC says: What does Solera aged mean?  Bourbon is aged is wood casks.  There is literally no solera involved.  Bourbon is Solera-free.  I could recommend a half-dozen bourbons that would be much better (and cheaper) than this.  It’s like one of their staffers was in the Hudson Valley and stumbled upon this.  It’s like claiming the best crab cakes come from Oklahoma.

That’s it.  You’re not buying any of this garbage.

What if, say, you’re reading this and you want to get your favourite golfer something for Christmas?  A few really good options:

  1. Go to your local golf course and buy 1-2 dozen of their preferred make/model of balls.  Super easy, and they’ll be happy.
  2. Treating them to a round or two at a great course that they have wanted to play.  They’ll think of you…it’s a win-win!
  3. If they’re new to the game or want to improve, a lessons package at your local course (or some place like GolfTec) is a great option.
  4. Are they in the market for new clubs?  Schedule them a fitting at said local course or a club fitter in your area (use your search engine of choice).  It’s a great way for them to maximize those dollars and again- they’ll think of you when they’re getting fitted and start hitting your mid-irons stiff on a regular basis.
  5. If you have deep pockets, treat them to a weekend getaway somewhere nice that has golf that they can use come spring.  The RTJ Golf Trail, Myrtle Beach, Kiawah Island, Charleston SC, Scottsdale/Phoenix, Orlando are all great options with plenty of non-golf things to do.

Happy shopping!

Labor Day and Something’s Missing

September 3, 2019 / / 0 Comments

From the 2nd tee at Rattlewood. I make a long shadow at sunup. Can’t really explain that it looks like my arms are out. They’re not.

Hope you’re enjoying your Labor/Labour Day.  After running a bunch of errands I had something of a brain cramp because I was convinced that today was the final round of a Playoff event, but thanks to the Tour’s new schedule, your only option is the final round of the Korn Ferry Tour Championship (which I’d like to see get elevated to NBC for the final two rounds).  The Champions and LPGA Tours wrapped up on Sunday as did the European Tour.

9th hole at Rattlewood. All about getting your second shot close unless you’re a REAL bomber and can hit a draw that stops on an elevated green that slopes hard from right to left.

Not to beat a dead horse but there’s no reason for the PGA Tour to avoid Labo(u)r Day weekend, but we digress.  I’m not the first one to suggest this, but a West Coast Tour Championship (whispers softly…use Riviera on a mini-rota with Olympic Club, LACC and maybe Chambers Bay) in prime time over Labor Day weekend gets you eyeballs you’re otherwise not getting.

No golf next weekend as I’ve got commitments both days but I plan on playing the following two weeks before heading on vacation.  Plus, I’ll admit to being a bit gun-shy about potential impact from Hurricane Dorian (all the best to everyone in Florida, Georgia and the Carolinas).

I played Saturday at Rattlewood fearful of rust from not having played in two weeks; no issues.  Got off to a good start and had as good of day with my irons as I’ve had in some time, with 11 GIR.  Didn’t convert much (1 birdie and 35 putts), but a 78 is never bad.  Had a bit of a blow-up on 18 where I had to make a 15 foot putt to save bogey, but overall a good round.

12th hole at Rattlewood. Just over 225 from the blue tee; playing 230+. Hit a 3 wood to 18 feet, putt to tap-in distance for a very satisfying par on a hole that’s closer to a par 3 1/2.

Less than four weeks before I head to the desert on vacation for the first time in two years.  Looking forward to it.

SONG OF THE DAY

 

Dog Day August Mornings

August 19, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Finally playing decent enough to use this bag. It took long enough.

Played each of the last 2 Saturday mornings.  Let’s go to the tape:

From 8/10 at Falls Road. It was actually cool- glad I grabbed a wind-shirt. The guy with the Patriots bag was great to play with. No comment about his lifestyle choices.

Played 8/10 at Falls Road.  On a rare Saturday morning that was crisp, cool and felt like a taste of fall, I had my lowest score in over 3 years, posting a 77 that could and should have been lower.  Falls Road is a course that still holds up as a decent challenge despite lacking length.  I remember playing a golf league there through a former employer and having many happy 9-hole rounds during summer evenings.

My gallery approving of saving par from the bunker on 14.

The course, like pretty much everyone, has taken a beating from our two-month long heat wave with several holes having burned out spots that were spongy with rain from storms.  Greens were in decent shape for the most part.  I played with a couple solid citizens who were Pushcart Mafia members.  Great guys.  My knee, ankle and hip problems have made walking a non-starter, but I’ve got all day for Pushcart Mafia members.  You’re always aces in my book.  Falls Road is not a crusher walk-wise.  The only change of note is that the tennis club that was near the 10th-11th-12th holes is gone.  Looks like home construction but couldn’t confirm anything.  10 and 12 were cart path only (luckily my tee shot on 12 was pretty close to the path so I didn’t have to repel down to the fairway.

Played 8/17 at Poolesville.

Just teed off on #1. Two members of the Pushcart Mafia are ahead of me while I stop to tie my shoes.

If you discount that Google Maps can’t seem to find the goddamn place much less get me back home coupled with having to run to the first tee to make my time (I hit my tee shot on #1 with my shoes untied), getting lost on the way home because Google Maps seemed to think I wanted to go home by taking my car through Virginia (talk about going around your elbow to get to your asshole), it wasn’t bad, I guess.

 

Unlike the previous Saturday it was hot, humid and buggy.  Very humid.  I finished the round a quart low, if you will.  So if you play Poolesville, bring bug spray.  They have water stations but the water wasn’t exactly ice cold and refreshing.  More like tap water, which is frankly a million miles better than nothing, but still.  Honestly the Outbreak hazmat suit might not be a bad option.  I used bug spray and still got a few bites so be warned.  The greens were in good shape (not exactly lightning fast, but they rolled true).  Some of the tee boxes were pretty beat up, which I’d attribute to the weather.  You water to keep the grass from dying, and naturally you get thunderstorms which turns the burnt-out turf into swampy marsh.

3rd shot into the 12th hole after I chopped out of the junk. Nothing like draining a 20 foot putt to save bogey.

The layout is, with one exception (#11) all out in front of you.  No blind shots.  Fairways were a bit furry which I’d attribute to not wanting them to burn out.  They tend to be narrow; most holes are tree-lined with fairly wide roughs before hitting the tree line.

16th hole at Poolesville. Wanna hit one straight? Aim right and try to play a draw. I ended up dry but difficult. I am a stupid sometimes.

Work commitments will keep me away next weekend so Labor Day weekend will be the next time I tee it up.  Hopefully we will get a long-term break from the heat and have an early start to fall.  Please.

I will probably miss most of the final rounds of the Tour Championship, which is fine given that the format is asinine.  As I noted previously, I’m looking forward to the team with the best record in the Super Bowl getting a 2-touchdown lead, and the team with the best record in the World Series getting five outs in the first three innings.

Hit ’em straight.

Oak Creek Review and 2nd Swing Review

August 5, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Oak Creek 1st hole. Pretty straightforward.

As I head into the Senior Tour age group, I played one final round as a 40-something on Saturday at Oak Creek in Upper Marlboro.  I hadn’t been there before and have heard some promising things.  Overall, it’s an interesting layout that is definitely NOT walkable under any circumstances.  The course is built into a gated housing development (they’re pretty serious about it; the course is considered to be semi-private which I took to mean that residents had some kind of privileges which makes sense), and the distances between the 1st and 2nd holes combined with the 9th and 10th holes are exhaustive  (and involve crossing a busy street).  It’s pretty tree-lined on most holes so being accurate off the tee is important.  The vast majority of holes are straightforward.  A few dogleg holes here and there but nothing particularly crazy.

8th hole at Oak Creek. Avoid right, bit of a bail-out left and short.

What I liked:

  • Most holes have bail-out areas short and have chipping areas around the green.
  • The first hole is a true handshake hole; short par 4 that requires accuracy but otherwise not a brute.
  • Greens were straightforward; no multi-tier greens with severe breaks.
  • Pro shop seemed to be well-stocked and has a grab and go area for beverages and snacks.
  • Bermuda tee boxes and fairways were in decent shape.
  • Six sets of tees with distances ranging from 6,980 (tips) to 4,443 (orange).
  • Scorecard had tee box my handicap index recommendations.  I’d suggest posting this on the 1st tee in plain view.
  • Saw a few water stations that seemed to be fresh (on a warm and humid morning ice water is really, really good).

4th hole at Oak Creek, waiting for the first group. Like putting JB Holmes and Patrick Cantlay out first. You drive through the barn on the right, and if you’re Brian Burke, you can have a barn fight!

What I didn’t like:

  • Greens were in less than ideal shape.  The biggest issue was the large number of un-repaired ball marks.  If I were the superintendent I’d be livid.  Not sure why.  I know that outings are notorious for ignoring them (not an excuse on any level).  I’d strongly suggest making this an issue, and go over how to repair a ball-mark.  I made a point of fixing mine plus at least 1 on every hole.  I’d suggest mentioning this to groups.  I can see how the greens could be really good with this happening.
  • Roughs had several dead areas.  I’m inclined to give the course a break on this one given how hot and humid July has been (the Bermuda fairways were, for the most part, in decent shape).  Tee boxes were hit and miss.  Being tree lined you also had some shady areas that may not be getting much sunlight.
  • The first group out (we were 2nd) was a foursome whose pace of play was glacial (very much got the vibe that they were members or something).  We passed them after the 5th hole after getting tired of waiting on them on every shot.  The marshal we ran into between 12 and 13 admitted as much.  Again, if you don’t tell them to pick up the pace they never will.  Your first groups should be fast players.  You don’t put slowpokes out first.
  • No half-way house (the routing kind of meanders through the development), no beverage cart.  Their email said that they would send out a beverage cart based on demand so at least they explained their policy.  Even an ice machine/water station would be nice.

13th hole from the tee box. Visually intimidating but some bail-out areas abound.

Overall it’s not bad.  If you’re playing on a weekend note that it’s near Six Flags America so take that into account for driving.  The exit that they tell you to take on the Beltway is closed (15A); I took 15B and made liberal use of my u-turn skills.  It’s also easy to get to off of 301.  If you have a tee time on a Sunday when the Redskins have a home game (the stadium is 1-2 exits away) be warned.  In the end, I had fun.  It’s a 45-60 minute hike for me so I may not be in a massive rush to play it again, but unfortunately this seems to becoming the new normal for golf.

1ST VISIT TO 2ND SWING

So having been curious since they opened, I went to the new 2nd Swing in Columbia this afternoon not knowing what to expect.  I was…impressed.

When the pushcart mafia rolls up on you they mean business.

  • Clubs were sorted by brand and style (woods, irons, wedges) in a very straight-forward and easy to find fashion.  Prices were sorted by condition.
  • Ton of kids and beginner sets.
  • Nearly a dozen hitting bays that were huge.  I mean YUUUUGE.
  • Large area for putters with plenty of space and a separate fitting station that was getting used.   I was really impressed; if I was in the market for a new flat stick I’d definitely visit.
  • Decent selection of bags (mostly cart bags with some carry bags).
  • Solid selection of soft goods (balls, hats, etc.).
  • They also had a station doing new/replacement grips.

Near a long row of hitting bays and an aisle of clubs. Not pictured- they have a few stations with Trackman.

I walked out with two new hats (my preferred brand/style) and a new towel (my preferred brand) for far less than I’d pay otherwise.  It’s a fantastic addition to the area and a welcome option (I love Golf Galaxy but getting over there on a weekend while fighting Costco traffic is at best difficult).

Play well, stay cool, and here’s to plenty of pars, birdies and eagles.

 

 

 

Back On Course, Local Golf News

April 7, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Ready to go. Let’s do this.

I’ve managed a practice session and 3 rounds in the last four weeks, which is huge improvement from 2018 which was bad on a host of levels.

Played at Waverly Woods on 3/24.  Course was, in parts, still looking in winter mode which is understandable given how cold it was in early/mid March.  Greens were in decent shape all things considered (they’ve since aerated fairways, I’m not sure about greens).  It remains the best public track in the county.  Pace of play was great; we were the first group out (as a threesome) but let a twosome play through and never saw them again (note- letting a faster group through is the right thing to do).  Glad I did it, and I’d do it again.

Played at Timbers at Troy on 3/30.  Timbers was, at one point, the best in the county but Waverly has passed them.  Still the case.  When I played it didn’t appear that fairways/tee boxes or greens had been aerated, and I haven’t seen any news from them about aeration.  The course was in better shape than the last time I was there.  Pace of play was a real issue.  My opinion may not be universal but a 4 1/2 hour round on an early Saturday morning when we waited on literally every shot isn’t acceptable.  At one point you had 4 groups on the 13th hole (the short downhill par 4).

Played at Rattlewood on 4/6.  Rattlewood is never going to be on anyone’s “best of” tracks, and it doesn’t need to be.  It’s a solid, playable public track.  Greens had been punched a week ago and were rolling pretty good.  The fairways were, for the most part, in good shape.  The roughs haven’t grown in, which is either a blessing or a curse depending on your perspective.  I’ve said this before, but from the tips it’s 6,500 yards and a very approachable 6,100 from the white tees.

So three rounds in, and all things considered, not a bad start.  The next few weeks are going to be a no-go period for me for a few reasons, but I’ll hopefully find a way to sneak one out.

POURING ONE OUT

A bit late on this, but Redgate Golf Course in Rockville is closed.  It’s unfortunate because it served a need and was a solid layout that, at one time, had outstanding greens save for 1 or 2 holes.  The article says they’d need around $2.5 million to do needed repair and refurbishment.  I played a ton of rounds there and always had a soft spot for it.

Cross Creek Golf Club is closed and not coming back.  I can remember when it opened back in 2003 and was, at the time, a big deal when you had a lot of upscale daily fee courses opening.  It was part of a housing development, and hosted an LPGA Symetra Tour event in 2003 and 2004.  Unfortunately, the place has been in a death spiral for some time and it’s gone.  The link is to the Cross Creek HOA.  I feel bad for the homeowners who are seeing their course not be maintained which doesn’t help anyone.

Both courses being gone knocks 36 holes of public golf out of the area, which isn’t good for anyone.  It also means that Montgomery County Golf now controls every public course in the county (in a perfect world they’d have taken it over and turned it around).  It’s not that Montgomery County Golf is bad (they’re not), but reducing inventory doesn’t help anyone.  I’d still argue that Cross Creek and Redgate (being properly maintained) help the area.  The more options that exist for young, aspiring and mid-high handicap players, the better.

SGIC’s Rage-Fueled Guide to the Golf Digest Holiday Gift Guide

November 29, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Screw it. You’re all bad. Eat a bag of dirt.

**Thanks to the far more talented Drew Magary for the inspiration. I know it’s a cheap lift, but I’m giving credit where it’s surely due.  So buy his new book ‘The Hike’ on Amazon or at a bookstore.  

Thanksgiving is now past us, and the annual running of the absurd that is Black Friday is also in our collective rear view mirror, which means it’s 4 weeks until Christmas.  So everyone’s in the holiday spirit.  Except your humble scribe.  Before I became your humble scribe, I worked holidays and for a while dated someone who was a retail store manager, so the December of my younger years wasn’t a joyous occasion (if you’re at a drinking establishment the night of Christmas Eve and see a group of people drinking, odds are they’re retail workers blowing off steam; buy them a round).  I didn’t have time to argue with people about Happy Holidays v. Merry Christmas v. Happy Festivus v. Go Screw Yourself.  Frankly, I don’t care.  People turn into raging assholes this time of year for some reason (I’ll never forget some old woman getting out of her car to attempt to slap me because I dared honk to let her know the light was green and maybe she could drive more and put makeup on less), so my deft move is to give people a wide berth.  Seriously, if you start a fight in a mall over something, rethink your priorities in life.  If someone wishes you well, don’t get offended.

Luckily, Golf Digest has provided us with their annual Holiday Gift Guide, but for some odd reason did not provide the impetus as to how they selected these items.  Let’s go through a few of the more…unique items.

KETEL ONE BOTTLE CANDLE

Price: $35

They say: The creative minds at the ReluminationsDecor on Etsy took this keepsake a step further and made a candle out of Arnie’s bottle. It’s handmade to order and you can select the scent of the soy wax. Soy wax burns longer and cleaner, so expect this one to burn for around 120 hours in total—just long enough to keep you warm during golf’s offseason.

SGIC says: You can buy an actual bottle of Ketel One for $35 and at least drink the vodka.  Oh, but it’s Arnie’s special bottle!  He’s been dead for just over 2 years.  This is his grandchildren using his name to make a few bucks on a candle.  Unless it smells like lemonade and iced tea, why even bother?  If you spend $35 on a damn candle it better keep you warm.  Oh, and vodka is boring.  It’s the Chicken Caesar Salad of alcohol.  You can buy a bottle of Tito’s for $20 and it’s better.

J LINDBERG KIMBALL STRIPED FIELD SENSOR SWEATER

Price: $180 (seriously)

They say: Your favorite golfer may have plenty of midlayers, but likely hasn’t opted for a shade like this half-zip features in its color-blocking pattern. Elastic at the cuffs and hem, along with a mock neck add warmth to the cozy jacket. The moisture wicking fabric is lightweight and perfect for golf in any temperature. There are a few color options for this piece, but the fresh green shade is eye-catching and seasonal.

SGIC says: Remember 6-8 years ago when it seemed like half the European Tour were wearing J Lindberg’s stuff?  They’re still here.  BTW, unless you have the figure of a ballpoint pen, just take a hard pass.  Their stuff has a ‘tailored’ (i.e. tiny) fit.  Damn straight they don’t make sizes for larger people.  I played with a guy who had matching J Lindberg shorts and a shirt a few years ago.  Insufferable nitwit.  He looked good but he couldn’t break 110 on a muni course to save his life.  Of course he had high-end clubs and a staff bag.  Invest in lessons instead.

STITCH DAY PACK TOTE

Price: $198

They say: This 2-in-1 tote bag and backpack is as versatile as it gets and it’s no surprise the brilliant design comes from one of the coolest new golf bag companies, Stitch. This bag has more pockets than you’ll be able to fill and a magnetized passport pocket that’s perfect for travel. Each bag comes with the option of personalization by adding initials to the front on a modern design patch.

SGIC says: $200 for a backpack/tote bag.  When the economy tanks, there’s going to be a few hundred of these things lying around as a testament to how stupid people get in times of marginal prosperity.  Unless you’re being whisked away from your job on Wall Street to to the Hamptons to play a few rounds at daddy’s club and then hang out with Millicent or Muffy, this isn’t for you.

UTHER GOLF TOWEL

Price: $28

They say: Uther makes unique golf towels that will help you cross everyone off your list this holiday season. From florals to flamingos, funny messages to patriotic ones, you’ll definitely pick up a few. They’re also super absorbent, quick drying and clip to your bag with a carabiner. The waffle pattern removes dirt without damaging golf clubs and as a bonus they’re antimicrobial with natural odor reduction to keep things extra clean.

SGIC says:  Add “towel with funny saying” next to neoprene iron covers, ball retrievers, and using poker chips for ball markers to signs nobody wants to play with you.  Even using the “s” word should be a capital offence.  Be sure to tuck it into  your pants for maximum stupidity.

FOOT JOY 1857 DOUBLE MONK STRAP DRESS SHOE

Price: $598

They say: Your favorite golfer may have a pair of FootJoy golf shoes, but they probably don’t have a pair of dress shoes from the new FJ heritage collection. They’re on the pricier side, but that’s because each shoe goes through a 150-step process to ensure high quality craftsmanship. The Double Monk Strap shoe is made with Italian calfskin uppers for an ultra-luxe look and feel. They come in a cognac or navy that will enhance any outfit.

SGIC says: If my shoes don’t undergo a 155 step process I’m not wearing them.  So just to confirm, they’re not golf shoes.  I mean, I do like the monk strap style and they do look pretty good.  But $600 bucks for shoes?  Are you people on dope?  I can buy two pair of Cole-Haan’s or Allan Edmunds for that.

MIZZEN AND MAIN DRESS SHIRT

Price: $135, and your soul

They say: With all the buzz around this shirt, golfers on your list likely haven’t thought of purchasing one of their own. This shirt is really a “see it to believe it” kind of deal—or “play a round of golf in it to believe it.” The fabric really is performance-ready with moisture-wicking capabilities, fou- way stretch and is wrinkle resistant. The shirts from the Phil Mickelson collection have the Lefty’s logo on the left cuff for an added golf-approved touch.

SGIC says: By ‘buzz’, you mean the commercial with Phil Mickelson doing the worm and wearing it at the Players Championship.  In May.  In Florida where the temperature is usually eleventy billion degrees.  Be honest- if you got paired with a twosome wearing these shirts you’re probably entering rehab the next day.  Look, you have to respect the amount of Not Caring About Anything that Phil has.  He’s had his soul ripped out in several US Opens, and the odds are that it’s never going to happen for him.  But when he’s at home in his office day-trading and spread-betting on the Winter X Games, he probably looks good in that dress shirt.  And be honest- when he rolls up to his club and plays Wolf Hammer for $25K per hole, he looks good doing it.

PETER MILLAR SHOOIE PUTTER COVER

Price: $75

They say: Traditional loafer devotees will love this putter cover modeled after the Peter Millar X GFORE Cruiser Golf Loafer. It’s not for everyone, but might just be the perfect unexpected gift for that leather-tassel-loving guy on your list to protect his favorite golf club.

SGIC says: I wear loafers to work, but keep this shit away from my putter.  Unless you’re using this to cover up your Ole Billy Baroo, what are you even doing?  If I saw someone with this thing I’d ask them if they’re having a stroke, or ‘Who hurt you?’  You make the Scotty Cameron collectors seem rational.

LULULEMON MENS ABC PANT

Price: $128

They say: These pants are something that even if they already have a pair, they’ll gladly appreciate another. They can be worn for a casual round of golf, to the office or just around the house. The 5-pocket styling gives an upscale look while the four way stretch fabric feels like loungewear. The Black Plum or Dark Olive colorways are fresh and on-trend, while the classic navy or black will always be a hit.

SGIC says: They’re sweatpants.  And no, you cannot wear these things to the office.  Did Roger Sterling wear god damn sweatpants to the office?  NO!  Did Teddy Roosevelt wear sweatpants?  NO!  I know that everyone is collectively giving up, but just don’t.  Look, I’m all for wearing shorts and I’ve argued that the pro tours should permit shorts.  I draw the line at sweatpants.  And so should you.

LULULEMON WOMENS ALIGN PANT

Price: $98

They say: The moment she realizes she’s unwrapping something from Lululemon, you’ll see (and probably hear) the excitement. These yoga pants are another item that they’ll gladly accept repeats of. The Align “Nulu” fabric is softer than butter and extra lightweight—a noticeable and appreciated difference from most bottoms. She’ll wear them to the range, to yoga and every possible moment she can, they’re that comfortable. Black is always a classic and safe option, but if you’re feeling adventurous, the Dark Sport Red colorway is timely and fun.

SGIC says: She Who Is Really In Charge is a lot of things.  A fan of Lululemon is not one of them.  ‘So, you bought me yoga pants that cost $100’ is not really a great way to start the day unless she’s had at least 2 bottles of wine for breakfast.  Plus, they don’t really cater to most women, and their company seems to be run by evil assholes.  Are they still thin to where people can see the pattern of your underpants when you bend over?

OPPOSUITS

Price: $100 and up

They say: This is a gift you can be certain they don’t have—and at shockingly affordable prices. These hilarious suits are perfect for holiday parties and family photos. Great for the golfer that loves to stand out, just be ready to see them wearing it nonstop.

SGIC says: I can endure 7 minutes every Saturday night from October-early June of Racist Grandpa on Hockey NIght in Canada yelling incoherently at whatever while Ron Maclean looks at him wondering how he got here.  At least Don Cherry goes to Fabricland to get his jackets made.  I can’t endure Trent, Aiden, and Logan hanging out looking like matching dorks.  Cherry has been dressing ridiculously for 3 decades.  Opposuits should be paying him residuals.

Unfamiliar with Don Cherry’s haberdashery?

Image result for don cherry

From the ‘American Psycho, Canadian Edition

It’s like the 1980’s never left.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you need more of this in your life then check out the Don We Now Our Gay Apparel Blog.

RLX RALPH LAUREN SHERPA FLEECE JACKET

Price: $148

They say: Tartan plaid is the pattern of winter 2018-19. What was once a staple in golf is now back in style and better than ever. While there are plenty of plaid trousers to choose from, opt for this winter-ready jacket from RLX. The fluffy fabric elevates this statement piece to work well on and off the course, while the right chest pocket add utility.

SGIC says: It’s TARTAN TIME.  Why wear ordinary patterns when you can wear TARTAN!  TARTAN EVERYTHING!  Seriously, that fleece is pretty nice (for $150 it better be).

HOOK & ALBERT WEEKENDER BAG

Price: $357

They say: Great for the style-conscious traveler, this minimal duffel transforms into a garment bag that holds up to two suits. It’s also got two shoe pockets and accessory pockets for small items. When not in use, it folds flat for easy storage. This really is the bag they didn’t know they needed but won’t be able to live without. A variety of colors and styles are available, but we like this Limited Edition Twill Gray Fabric because it’s modern looking and will keep clean through the toughest travel.

SGIC says: $350+ for a duffel bag?  Oh, you assholes like the Limited Edition Twill Grey, well I WANT TARTAN PLAID to match my fleece.  And I want TARTAN PLAID sweatpants.

TED BAKER RUNER KNITTED FOLD-OVER RUCKSACK

Price: $289

They say: Everyone needs a cool backpack, no matter how old they are. This Ted Baker fold-over bag has a laptop pocket, top handle and padded shoulder straps that are ultra comfortable. The mixed media design is modern and upscale, perfect for everyday wear.

SGIC says: What, no TARTAN PLAID?  If I’m spending $300 on a bag that doesn’t come in TARTAN PLAID then what am I even doing?  I’m sure that this bag must be great in wet weather.  Bet it soaks up lots of water.  C’mon…TED.

HOOK & GAFF KING TIDE WATCH

Price: $750 (seriously)

They say: This sport watch is nautical-inspired, but perfect for any occasion. For water watchers, you can set the tide to your precise location and it is water-tight up to 660 feet. The navy strap is elegant yet comfortable and the face is scratch-resistant for those less elegant moments.

SGIC says: When Judge Smails invites me to the yacht club, I’m wearing this thing along with my ascot.  Nautical inspired?  You god damn right.  I better get that caddie scholarship.

COMO AUDIO AMICO SPEAKER

Price: $400

They say: Even the most particular audio heads will appreciate this smart speaker. With a real teak wood veneer, this portable speaker is weather resistant for at-home or on-the-course tunes. It’s also got 8 hours of playback time and a rear bass port that doubles as a handle for easy carry.

SGIC says: This thing is gigantic.  Golf Digest are the same assholes who prattle on about how walking is this integral part of the game while hawking this crap.  First off, it’s gigantic so it’ll take some work to get it loaded into your cart.  Second, Judge Smails doesn’t like music on the golf course.  Third, people that own crap like this usually have terrible taste in music.  4 hours of Nickelback and Daughtry should be a felony.

IN CONCLUSION

I say this nearly every year, but if there’s a golfer in your life, buy them a dozen balls of their preferred make/model.  Less than $50, and wrapping them is a cinch.  If you really want to splurge, think long weekend somewhere sunny and warm this winter.

 

 

The Match, Redux

November 27, 2018 / / 0 Comments
Photo rights to Turner/Getty

Your Literal Money Shot From ‘The Match’

Being old enough to remember the made-for-TV event that was The Skins Game, I was intrigued about the Tiger Woods-Phil Mickelson ‘Match’ that took place the day after Thanksgiving at Shadow Creek in Las Vegas.  In the end, it was a dud on several levels but it does answer (and pose) a few thoughts going forward.

  1. B/R Live is a disaster/gong show/goat rodeo.  It’s criminal that they have the UEFA Champions League/Europa League rights and have the vast majority of games behind their paywall (with a lot of users complaining about quality).  Their announcers and studio crews (on the games they show on TNT) are worse than the idiots on Fox (which is saying something).  Their attempt at charging $19.99 for the Tiger-Phil match was worse.   In the end, because they couldn’t process payments they opened it up for screening online with no charge which is how yours truly watched it (as of today nearly every provider has provided refunds).  My hope is that this puts an end to anyone ever trying the PPV route and that B/R Live ends up swimming with the fishes.
  2. Ernie Johnson is one of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet.  His story is incredible and I wish him improved health.  From all accounts he does a great job at the studio host of TNT’s basketball coverage.  Golf, however, isn’t his lane.  Too many times he was talking over coverage.  Not sure if this was him or the director, but it was bad.  When Tiger and Phil are wearing microphones, the second they start talking should be a cue to zip it.
  3. Shane Bacon was good in a difficult role.  He’s one of a very small list of people on Fox’s golf coverage that aren’t awful.  There’s no way they’d feed Joe Buck to the wood chipper (even though he’s terrible), but if I were Fox I’d go with Shane Bacon and Brad Faxon (Paul Azinger’s Grumpy Old Man routine has worn thin).
  4. They didn’t sell tickets to the public, and  yet, the VIP’s that got in were still yelling crap.  Heard at least one Baba Booey and something about Sizzler.  So sure glad they kept the unwashed out.
  5. The golf itself wasn’t very good.  Tiger didn’t seem remotely interested, and Phil was what you’d expect.  I mean, if you’re Tiger you’re set for life.  The only thing that has to interest him at this point are majors and racking up more Tour wins to add to his ’14 and 80′ tally.  The pace of play was horrendous.  Tempted to suggest they might want to use carts if there’s a repeat.
  6. Way too many talking heads. One lead announcer, one analyst, 1 or 2 on-course reporters and that’s really it.  Again…TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW OR ISN’T READILY SEEN.  I didn’t mind Charles Barkley.  Maybe Bacon, Charles, Darren Clarke and Pat Perez on the course.  That’s plenty.
  7. Shadow Creek was a decent choice as a venue, but several greens appeared to have been aerated recently.  Not exactly what you’d hope for.  In a previous life I knew a guy in Vegas who thought Shadow Creek was the greatest thing in the world.  Bought some giant coffee table book and loved it (back when you had to have a personal invite from Steve Wynn to play there; now you have to be a guest at one of his resorts and willing to pay $500 to play).
  8. MGM Resorts was actively promoting hole-by-hole wagering.  Didn’t mind it.  It’s probably the wave of the future.
  9. Spare me the whining about “oh, for $9 million they could have (insert name of worthy cause).”  They didn’t.  It was never a trade-off.  Turner put up the money, they took a bath.  Welcome to Commerce 101.
  10. The 93-yard playoff hole was interesting.  Not a fan but glad they had an option in case of darkness.
  11. The HBO 24/7 wasn’t bad.  If you’ve seen one, you know what you’re getting.  If I were Mike Whan (LPGA Commissioner) I’d try to get the HBO 24/7 team to cover a tour event.

Johnny, (Occasionally) Angry Johnny (an Appreciation)

October 19, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Johnny Miller and Seve Ballesteros. Probably not discussing that 63 at Oakmont.

With the NBA season tipping off last night, the NHL season entering its third week (thankfully, the Leafs are off to a hot start and yes- those of you who follow me on Twitter may see my feed become more Leaf-centric for a while), the MLB playoffs down to the last four and the NFL season doing what it does, some things get lost in the shuffle.  This week’s announcement that Johnny Miller will be leaving the broadcast booth after he does one final event (the 2019 Waste Management Open- CBS has (pro football championship game whose title shan’t be mentioned) a conflict so they’re dumping the coverage to NBC (NBC will dump a February weekend to CBS every 4 years when it conflicts with the end of the Winter Olympics).  Related, thumbs up to Golfweek’s ‘The Forecaddie’ for getting this first.

NBC’s decision to use Paul Azinger from Fox is a colossal disappointment.  In multiple years of working with Joe Buck on Fox, they still have zero chemistry and they still provide nothing of value to the viewer.  Buck has this habit of having to put his stamp on things; great moments in sports don’t need it (and he has this habit of talking over things when letting the pictures speak would be better for all involved).

From watching US Opens on Fox, Azinger’s biggest fault is that he routinely fails to use his biggest strength, which is his perspective as a former player.  Viewers don’t need narratives about tradition.  We aren’t former touring professionals; Paul is.  He’s won a major, and yet, he rarely (if ever) provides that perspective.  He’s too busy talking about the history of the game.  Put me in the head of a guy trying to win a major and spare me waxing poetic about how great you think the USGA is.  The final round of a major isn’t that time nor the place.  Four full years with Fox and other than Shane Bacon and Brad Faxon, there’s not a single reason to listen (their technology is fantastic).

Miller has been part of NBC since 1990.  By and large, he’s taken the viewer into what players are thinking on the back nine on Sunday when they’re trying to win.  He used the word ‘choke’ in context with a player.  He hasn’t shied away from being critical of players.  I know the Tiger fanboys don’t want to hear this (lest anyone speak ill of Dear Tiger), but offering criticisms of players is quite literally why many of the talking heads have jobs.  He’s been critical of the best players, which is his job.  Being critical of the top players (when warranted) is part of that.

Any budding announcers, regardless of sport, should remember that if you’re doing TV, the viewer is watching.  He/she can see.  Your words should supplement what’s being viewed.  Analysts should think similarly.  I’ve never played professional sports.  Paul Azinger has.  He’s won a major.  So help me, the viewer, know what’s going on by telling me things I can’t see.  If an on-course reporter can tell me what kind of lie that “X” has in the rough, walk me through what a player might be thinking given this information.  Don’t use 25 words if 15 are sufficient, but don’t use 25 if you need 40 or 50 to provide context.

Challenge: watch the final round of an event with the volume off for 30-40 minutes.  Notice how little most announcers contribute?  They go from shot to shot, and tell you that player X is putting for birdie/par.  Think about the maddening four minutes that JB Holmes spent trying to figure out his second shot at the Farmers Insurance Open earlier this year.  Now, think about how little (if anything) the announcers were contributing to this debacle.

Miller, at his best, provided that reason to listen.  He won majors, and knew what it was like (he also successfully managed to balance family life & fatherhood with a professional career) to be in contention.  Yes- he could go on a bit about his famous 63 at Oakmont (and yes- I may or may not have made a drinking game about Miller) but the fact is he shot a 63 and won a US Open, which, to borrow a term, means he has Scoreboard.  More significantly, he could articulate what a tour pro was going through in a final round, which often gets lost in the shuffle.

I’m not NBC/Golf Channel, but if I was, I’d have given some of their internal folks a crack at the job before going outside and sharing Azinger with Fox (where Azinger would be useful is during Ryder Cup week; having him and Colin Montgomerie together would be an absolute must-listen).  David Duval and Justin Leonard have the ‘won a major’ box ticked, and Brandel Chamblee would provide a bit of spice (and controversy) to broadcasts.  Frank Nobilo is another option I’d like to see given a crack.  Maybe, if you were bringing Mike Tirico into the booth (replacing Dan Hicks) I could get behind reuniting Tirico and Azinger, but beyond that, it’s a hard pass.

So thanks for everything, Johnny.  Hope you’re able to enjoy retirement with your family (which has always been your top priority, as it should).

DC Back in the Fold in a “Major” Way, and Tour Championship Insanity

September 20, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Thoughts on another rainy day here while waiting to have a roofer perform leaks to my roof for the second week running:

The PGA of America rolled out a major announcement involving its championships and Congressional CC:

To borrow one of their old marketing terms, this is major.  Let’s go to the video:

KPMG LPGA Championship: 2022, 2027

Senior PGA Championship: 2025, 2033

Junior PGA Championship: 2024

PGA Club Professional Championship: 2029

PGA Championship: 2031

Ryder Cup: 2036

Staggering.  Badly needed.  I’ve written previously how the PGA Tour leaving this area with their revamped 2018-19 “wrap-around” season was one of the dumber things they’ve done (more on that later), and in comes the PGA of America with 8 championships to be held at Congressional.  That Keith Foster (h/t to Brandon Porath for letting me know about this) will ‘hopefully’ redo Congressional and undo much of Rees Jones’ work is the whipped cream and cherry on top of a delicious sundae.

Let’s start with the LPGA.  Their tour should be playing the best courses in the world (this includes majors).  They’ve played at Oakmont for a US Open (Christina Kim raved about Oakmont; good enough for me) and Pinehurst #2.  Pebble Beach should be on their rota of US Open venues.  The women can, and should be playing the same rota of courses as the men.  Their tour is more than capable and deserves it.

The Senior PGA comes back twice (RTJ is more than worthy if they want a venue in Virginia) and they get the same; iconic course in a big media market.

The Junior and PGA Club Professional events aren’t high-profile but holding them at Congressional is a nice signal that they want to upgrade the caliber of courses.  Good for them.

The PGA Championship and the Ryder Cup speak for themselves.  The Ryder Cup is very much a ‘one shot’ deal (not to get too far ahead but by September (please let September be dry that year) of 2036 Patrick Reed will be 46, Rory McIlroy will be 47 which is that sweet spot for captains).   Assuming the PGA Championship doesn’t move off its new May slot, in DC May ‘can’ be really nice and is typically devoid of the swamp-ass humidity of summer (hopefully concurrent with a deep Capitals run to the Conference Final where they lose to my beloved Leafs while the Nationals get off to a roaring start).

Tour Championship:

The announcement today about changes for the 2019 Tour Championship are, at best, foolhardy and at worst, the single dumbest idea in professional sports.  From the Golfweek article:

The player who has the most FedEx Cup points after next season’s BMW Championship will start the first round of the 2019 Tour Championship with a score of 10 under par and a two-shot lead over the second-highest FedEx Cup point earner who will begin at 8 under. The player ranked third will start at 7 under, while the golfers who arrive at East Lake in fourth and fifth will start at 6 under and 5 under, respectively.  The next five players on the list will begin at 4 under par, with scores regressing by one shot for every five golfers until the players who enter the Tour Championship ranked between 26th and 30th start the events at even par on the first day.

Drinking bleach sounds better than this steaming turd.

I have spent two days trying to come up with anything remotely close to it in terms of a comparable.  The pro tennis tours wouldn’t let the #1 player start up 2-0 in the first set.  Track & field doesn’t let the fastest qualifier have a 10 meter head start.  No professional team sport lets a team start a game up in score over the other team.  You know who did this?

The original American Gladiators (the one that started in 1989).

Take that in.  The PGA Tour looked at American Gladiators and thought “hey, they’ve got something there.”

So that’s where professional golf is.  The obvious answer of having a match play Tour Championship doesn’t work for TV because they’re afraid of a bad final match-up (I’m just spit-balling here, but if your top 30 players can’t produce a decent final round that will get eyeballs, that’s not exactly a ringing endorsement of your marketing efforts).  So we’ll rule that out because of…reasons.

The other option is play a Wed-Sat 72 hole event, and the top 4 (or 6) make the Final Round; a one-round low-score wins it all deal (easy to market; 4 or 6 players, one round, low score wins the Tour Championship and the $15 million).  If you go to the top 6 and want to reward season-long excellence, give the top 1 (or 2) finishers in the standings an automatic berth in the Final Round.  A top seed earning a bye?  Yeah, there’s a ton of evidence showing this happening in other sports.  If you want to give the top seed something, let them pick who they play with in the Final Round and if they go out in the first or second group (maybe you pick a couple guys who you’re comfortable with rather than a couple guys you don’t get on with).

Another idea is a form of gradual elimination.  Start by playing 2 rounds of ‘qualifiers’ (like the first two rounds at most events) and let the top half advance into the next stage (giving the top 2 or 4 finishers an automatic bye into the next stage- their benefit after a long season is a less grueling path to the Final Round), and then have 2 rounds of single-round eliminations.  Say you get the top 30 whittled down after 2 days to the top 14 or 16.  Round 3 cuts it down to 10, round 4 cuts it to 6, and then the top 6 play a Final Round for everything.  It’s about elevating your game for the playoffs.  I’m pretty sure I’ve heard athletes talk about that before.

You could play the Tour Championship on the West Coast (nothing against East Lake) and finish in prime time on the East Coast on either Sunday or Monday (start on Golf Channel, switch to NBC).  It’s not like the TV landscape in late August is over-run with better options unless the orgy of so-called reality TV shows and reruns has some grand appeal.

The argument that is being made is down to what value does the regular season have?   Does being the best player over the course of a long season matter as opposed to a ‘playoff’ system that the Tour seems to want.  In team sports, it’s the team that performs best in the playoffs that wins the championship.  In the NFL, a 14-2 regular season record is great but teams have lost Super Bowls to teams with 9-7 records.  Is the 14-2 team better because of their record over a 17-week regular season or is a 9-7 team better because in the Super Bowl they were the better team on that day?  Note- either case has valid points.  What you can’t do is say to the 14-2 team that you’re going to start the Super Bowl up 14-0 over the 9-7 team.

That, dear reader, is what the PGA Tour is trying to do.  They want their Super Bowl, but they want to give the team with the best record a head start.  It’s a terrible idea; the Tour and its fans deserve better.

 

 

REVEALED- The Secret Ryder Cup Selection Meetings (SHHHHH)!

August 20, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Image result for us ryder cup team photos

The 2006 US Ryder Cup Team photo. Majestic in its earth-tones (photo property of Alamy).

As everyone takes a collective breath from the thrilling conclusion that was the final round of the 100th USPGA Championship at Bellerive, the next major event in the golf calendar is the Ryder Cup from September 28-30 in France (no disrespect to the FedEx Cup Playoffs, but the Ryder Cup is something else entirely different).  The US will be looking to win on foreign soil in a Ryder Cup for the first time since 1993 while Europe will want to reclaim the trophy away from the US team.

With qualifying for Ryder Cup spots completed, this means that 8 of the 12 spots on the US team are filled, leaving Jim Furyk in charge of picking the last 4 spots in early September.  The players who have qualified so far are as follows: Brooks Koepka, Dustin Johnson, Justin Thomas, Patrick Reed, Bubba Watson, Jordan Spieth, Rickie Fowler, and Webb Simpson.

Players being considered for the last 4 spots are (in order of ranking) Bryson Dechambeau, Phil Mickelson, Tiger Woods, Xander Schauffele, Matt Kuchar, Kevin Kisner, Tony Finau, Kyle Stanley, Bryan Harman, Kevin Na, Gary Woodland and Zach Johnson.  Jimmy Walker (#24) and JB Holmes (#31) are also rumored to being considered.

In order to make the best decision possible, Jim Furyk with his assistant captain Steve Stricker conducted interviews with each player.  They were supposed to be private, but SGIC spies were successful in planting a wireless microphone and obtained tapes of those conversations; the transcriptions appear below.  And lordy, there are tapes.

Jim Furyk (JF): Well, Steve, we really have a tough job ahead of us today.  We have 14 world-class professionals to talk to for only 4 spots.  Any thoughts?

Steve Stricker (SS): Yeah. Just do what I did last year.  Take the best players.  Why are you overthinking this?  Didn’t Alan Shipnuck say we were in an era of US dominance?  I mean, he’s smart, right?

JF: Seriously?  That International Team was awful.  Hal Sutton could have put his cowboy hat back on and captained our boys to a win.  The Europeans are a lot better so we have to be stronger from 1-12.  Speaking of which, how do you think I’d look in a cowboy hat.

SS: Ridiculous.

JF: I disagree.

SS: Well, let’s talk to these guys and see what they have to say.

JF: Sounds good.  Bryson, come on in.

Bryson Dechambeau comes in wearing his trademark Hogan cap, a lab coat and carrying several scientific instruments.

JF: Bryson, why do you think you should be a captain’s pick for the 2018 Ryder Cup team?

Bryson Dechambeau: Well, I won the Memorial Tournament this year, and I won a US Amateur before turning professional and my calculations show that my chakra will come into peak bloom in late September.  My strokes gained average is up nearly a stroke over last year.

JF: And then what happened?

BD: Things went okay, I guess.  I mean, I finished 9th in the standings behind Webb Simpson!

SS: Minus your temper tantrum.  Finishing behind Webb isn’t really a selling point.

There’s a door exploding as Tiger Woods kicks the door in holding two cans of Monster energy drink…he drinks one of the cans in one large chug and throws the empty at Bryson’s head.

Tiger Woods (TW): Oh, that’s nice nerd boy. You won a US Amateur.  I have 3 of those.  In a row.  You won the Memorial?  Isn’t that nice.  I’ve won it 5 times.

BD: You’re also a lot older than me.

TW: And better.

JF: Tiger, if you can just wait your turn, we’ll get to everyone.

TW: (grabs other can of Monster, chugs it in one move) Jim, you will put me on the team. NOW.

JF: I don’t know.  Steve, what do you think?

SS: Tiger, how does your back feel?  Can you hold up for all 3 days?

TW: I don’t know (loud noise as he turns his hat around, chugs a 4th can and proceeds to bench press an 800 pound anvil that just happened to be in the room).  Pretty good I suppose.

JF: Tiger, I’m concerned because you’ve only been a part of one winning Ryder Cup team.

TW: I’m not. Jim, the only reason you have two Ryder Cup wins to my one win is because I was injured in 2008 after I won the US Open on a broken leg.  You know damn well I’d have been on the team.

JF: I shot a 59 and a 58.

TW: 14 majors, not counting my 3 US Amateur wins.

JF: I won a US Open.  I mean, doesn’t everyone have a US Open win?

A loud “screw you both” is heard from outside the room in a voice that sounds very much like Phil Mickelson’s voice.

SS: Guys, come on. This isn’t working.  Bryson, how are you going to handle hostile crowds in France?  A European Ryder Cup crowd can be pretty daunting.

BD: Well, I did a statistical regression analysis on that and my analysis shows that their crowds are actually quite tame.

SS: Your stats are wrong.

JF: You’ll have to give up that stupid Hogan cap if selected.

BD: Wow…that’s a total buzzkill.  Wouldn’t the entire team look good wearing those?

TW: Only if we wear blade collars.

SS: No Hogan caps, no blade collars, and ixnay on the Miz-zay.

JF: Bryson, I’m really concerned that their fans are going to get under your skin.  Hopefully none of the players in contention for captains picks have done anything that’s garnered worldwide ridicule this summer…

(Noise coming from outside the room getting progressively louder playing “Ole, Ole Ole Ole, Ole, Ole”).  Phil Mickelson, wearing a bolero jacket, chaps, a KPMG cap and a dress shirt strolls in while dancing.  The dancing goes on for several minutes much to the annoyance of everyone in the room.

Phil Mickelson: Hey, everybody!  Who’s ready to defend our Ryder Cup win from 2016?

All: Phil, no. Just, no.

PM: Come on guys.  Jim, I called the Mizzen and Main guys to have some stuff worked up for this year.  You KNOW you want this.

TW: Does Mizzen and Main now do blade collars?  Let’s say I’m asking for a friend.

PM: I don’t know, Tiger.  Let me ask them (the audio sounds like he’s pulling out his cellphone); Siri, call Mizzen and Main.

JF: No, Phil, I don’t.  We already have uniforms.  Steve, was he like this last year?

SS: No; he was busy taking selfies after the 41st straight time Kuchar beat him in ping pong.  Honestly I just let Tiger do half the pairings; I couldn’t find him a pet squirrel.

TW: Steve’s good at taking suggestions.  Actually, Jim, I have an idea.  How about you just let me run things.

PM: Jim, I swear if you make us wear that godforsaken Chiliwear crap, my press conference after Sunday’s singles will make my 2014 rant look tame.

TW: Does Chiliwear offer a blade collar option?

JF: Not going to let that one die, are you.

TW: Not a chance, unless you decide to pick Club Pro Guy as an assistant captain.

JF: Okay, you three go sit in the room next door while I call in the next candidates.

Xander Schauffele, Matt Kuchar, Kevin Kisner and Tony Finau walk in.

JF: Who are you people?

Xander (XS): I won the Tour Championship last year.

Matt Kuchar (MK): I almost won the Open Championship last year and I’m the best ping pong player on tour.  Ask Phil.

Kevin Kisner (KK): I’m competitive every week.

Tony Finau (TF): I rolled my ankle at Augusta and still finished T10 and I’m usually on the first or second page of leaderboards. Perhaps you’d like a display of strength and agility…

JF: Please don’t.

MK: Lest we forget, Phil and I have done pretty well as partners since Keegan Bradley is only seen on the side of milk cartons these days.

XS: I’ve been competitive in all 4 majors.

KK: I tied for 2nd at the British Open.

JF: Let me think about it.  Who else is out there?

Kevin Na, Gary Woodland, Zach Johnson, JB Holmes and Jimmy Walker walk in.

JF: Hi fellas.  Why are you all here?

Zach Johnson (ZJ): Well, speaking as the only guy with multiple majors, we think you should consider one or more of us for those captain’s selections.  You need someone who’s won a major overseas.

JB Holmes (JB): And someone with Ryder Cup experience.

Jimmy Walker (JW): I’d say a PGA Championship win is what you need.

Kevin Na (KN): People will literally stab themselves in the eye to avoid playing with me.

JB: Me too!  Apparently people hate it when I take 4 minutes to lay up.

KN: Or become a weapons-grade head case on the tee.

JF: JB, just leave. Please. Now.

JB: C’mon…

TW from adjacent room: JB, I think you were asked to leave. I still have a few cans of Monster over here. I think it’s best you leave now.

(JB Holmes leaves room muttering to himself)

ZJ: Why do people throw Propecia at me?

TW: Beats me, but if you don’t want it I know someone who will take it off your hands.

Gary Woodland (GW): How about some feats of strength to decide this?

JF: I’ve made up my mind.

SS: Thanks for including me in your thought process.

JF: Thanks for being overly passive-aggressive.

SS: Whatever. Ask me what it’s like to captain a US side to victory.

JF: Okay, here’s how it goes.  Tiger, Phil, Kuchar, and Xander.  You guys are in.  Everyone else, thanks for coming.  Zach, I’d like to have you be an assistant captain.  Tony, you’re my 13th man so if anyone withdraws or gets hurt prior, you’re in the team.

BD: Seriously?

JF: Yes.  Everyone, thanks for showing up today. Let’s all remember that regardless of anything, we all want the US to win in Paris and bring the Ryder Cup back home.

SS: What we really need is someone we can all rally against.

JF: I agree.

SS: Someone who will really cause the team to work together.

JF: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

SS: I am.

JF:  Great. It’s good to know that with everything going on, we still have one person who we can call on who we know will get the team properly motivated to go out there motivated to show them.

SS: You want me to call or do you want to call?

JF:  Let’s do it together.  We’ll use my phone.

JF/SS together: “Hey, Brandel, we need your help!”

SONG OF THE DAY #1

Johnny Marr still has the heater.

SONG OF THE DAY #2

Australian Rugby League hasn’t always been the biggest bunch of geniuses on the planet, but this is some legendary stuff.  This is an OFFICIAL promotion. The 80s’ were weird, man.

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