Screw it.  You're all bad.  Eat a bag of dirt.

Screw it. You’re all bad. Eat a bag of dirt.

Without the drunken debauchery and mayhem that come from a roast, it’s time for your humble scribe to don his santa outfit (who am I kidding- I don’t own one and unless the offer is an all-expense paid trip to Pebble Beach for a week, I’m not putting one on) and hand out some gifts this holiday season.

So this year I’ve invited people to come sit on my lap (and wear depends you assholes) and find out what Santa got you for Christmas (or the winter time festival of lights

First off…it’s Joe Buck from the Fox Sports Golf team.  You’ve had a bad year.  First off, Harold Reynolds is a moron, you don’t seem to understand geography, your network was a dumpster fire for the World Series and the US Open.  During the Franklin Templeton shootout last week you said a player was using a putter off the green.  Brad Faxon corrected you saying he was using a 5-wood/hybrid.  For someone who plays, you’d think you might know the difference.  Or, I don’t know…maybe ask?  Dan Hicks of NBC isn’t a hall of famer, but he knows how to go to Roger Maltbie and ask “what’s going on down their Rog?”  Try it some time.  So to help out Joe Buck, we’re sending you to the Columbia School of Broadcasting!  You’re welcome!

New logo for Fox Sports Baseball and Golf Coverage

New logo for Fox Sports Baseball and Golf Coverage

So for Christmas, since you can’t have nice things, Santa is taking away your USGA rights and putting them up for rebid.  You can air the events next year, but with CBS and NBC announcers who know how to get out of the way of fantastic championships and let the golf speak for itself.

Next on Santa’s lap is the USGA.  And haven’t you been a naughty group of stuffed shirts this year?  Your move to Fox Sports was a train wreck, you can’t understand why bifurcating the rule book would help the vast majority of golfers, and you’re about 10 years behind understanding technology.  You are trying to forbid rounds played as a single from counting towards your handicap which is fixing a problem that doesn’t exist.  Your signature events that the majority of the public associates with you…were train wrecks.  So one train wreck deserves another.  So in that vein, Santa got you a Sandra Lee Kwanzaa Cake.  That you’re going to eat while I watch.

Look at it.  LOOK AT IT!  Don’t avert your eyes!  Now eat the damn cake! Like we had to look at greens that were described as cauliflower on a course that hopefully will never see another major championship in its lifetime.  Now eat that concoction.  EAT IT!

To Rattlewood and Compass Pointe golf courses…you were nice to Santa this year.  You were pleasant surprises when Santa needed them.  So you’ll get good weather in 2016 so you can keep doing what you’re doing.  And Rattlewood, with your clubhouse decor straight out of Caddyshack…I like your style.

To Waverly Woods…you’re getting a watch so you can…you know, start enforcing pace of play.  Here’s some motivation for you.

May none of you ever get Judge Smails in the group in front of you.  If that wasn’t subtle enough…move people along.  It’s called a time par.   First few groups should be in 3 hours or less, then 3 1/2 hours, then 4 hours.  Look into it.  Please.  Don’t make excuses for slow play.  Move people along.  You’re better than this.

Timbers at Troy…oh, what’s happened to you?  This is your Santa intervention.  A few years ago, you had a really solid golf course.  Fantastic layout…some solid holes.  And you’ve let yourself go.  Take a look.

white goodman fat White goodman smile

That’s you at the top today, and below is what you used to be.  You can do this.  So let’s make it happen.  I’m pulling for you.  Nobody is saying you need to have tour-level conditions, but some basic improvements in conditioning will go a long way.  Ask yourself- do you want to become another Cross Creek, or worse- a Gunpowder or a Goose Creek, or do you want to be in that discussion of very good public courses in the area?

The LPGA has had a good year and remains a viable, entertaining and watchable product.  They have a good schedule and they’re growing their game fairly well.  So Santa is going to get you continued health, playable weather, and hope that the Olympics give your game that boost to the next level.

Donald Trump…where to start.  Have a seat.  Let’s leave your politics out of it for a moment.  You’re not exactly making friends so far, but what’s odd is how many people say that, on the golf course, you’re a swell guy, and I can see this.  You’re pretty good, and it’s been said you get around pretty quickly.  But with that being said, you can’t be completely tone deaf either, so let’s take it down a notch.  There’s no question you’ve acquired some name-brand golf courses, but this notion you have to put your name on it is frankly silly.  So stop it.  Turnberry was on the Open rota of courses until the R&A got a bit tired of your act and have decided to pull TRUMP Turnberry off the rota.  Sticking your name on something doesn’t make it better.  Improving pace of play for amateurs while having a course that will challenge modern professionals should be enough of a challenge.

As to your politics…they’re just that- yours.  However, I will point out something Michael Jordan said- “Republicans buy sneakers too.” and yes- Democrats play golf.

So stop attaching your name on courses you buy.  New builds?  Go as tacky as you want.  And stop eating thin crust pizza with a fork and a knife.  You’re a New Yorker for the love of birdies.  Fold the damn thing and insert into your maw.  Pay attention and take notes.  Note at the end how he folds and inserts into his maw.

So for Christmas, you’re playing golf at a public course.  With a bunch of regular guys.  You’ll change your shoes in the parking lot, pay a green fee in cash, and have to deal with the starter like we do.  And get off of push carts.  Seriously.  They’re tacky?   You wear a baseball cap with a suit.  Just saying.  You’re going to have to use one, because I’m being spiteful.

Don…seriously.  You’re not helping yourself.  People in the golf industry can’t stand you.  You’re embarrassing us.  People I play with think you’re an imbecile.  Okay, so maybe this whole thing is some kind of long con, or a goof.  But when the goof is over you have to go back and do whatever it is you do.  Good luck with that.

TopGolf Arlington…while my two visits to Top Golf didn’t blow me away, it’s a point of entry for people, and certainly folks seem to have fun.  So Santa is giving you a lease extension so more people can go and enjoy their facility.  Again- it’s not my brand of scotch but it doesn’t have to be.  People enjoy it and they have fun.  To close it down because of some nimby types is ridiculous.  I live near a concert venue.  Occasionally I hear the concerts during the summer.  I deal with it.

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame: Santa is giving you a whole new group of selectors, because your 2016 class is, frankly, laughably bad.  Steve Miller?  Chicago? Deep Purple?  It’s the triple-pleated dockers of inductees.  I get that Morrissey is a prick beyond words, but The Smiths have held up incredibly well, and their music has its own sound (it’s the Rickenbacker guitar).   You have teenagers wearing Smiths t-shirts today, like I did 30 years ago.  While you’re at it, time to induct a few punk bands (I have a list).

And since it is the holiday season, here’s my oddball discovery.

I found the Cocteau Twins in the late 1980’s, and I’ve liked their music on and off.  It wasn’t until a couple years ago, back when I had a Sirius XM unit in my car that I came upon this gem.  I didn’t really know that they had done this (originally released in 1993) so I finally found it on YouTube.  It’s exactly what it says it is- the Cocteau Twins singing a Christmas classic.

Enjoy your holidays.