Tag: Professional Golfers’ Association of America (page 5 of 6)

A Polite Rebuttal and Other Nonsense

Brandel Chamblee of Golf Channel, who I normally find worth listening to (he’s not afraid to be critical which is good, and for those unaware he did play on the PGA Tour to some level of success- he has one PGA Tour victory which is one more than I’ll ever see) recently wrote an interesting piece about growing the game of golf.  He suggests that the PGA Professional at his home country club was a huge factor for him, and that the home professionals have the ability to make that all-important 1 on 1 contact with would-be golfers.  This sounds really nice, except that it lacks a bit of practicality in the 21st century.

Brandel Chamblee speaks.  I offer a rebuttal.  Politely.

Brandel Chamblee speaks. I offer a rebuttal. Politely.

I suppose that, if your parents have a country club membership that this is a fantastic means to make that personal connection that can make someone into a golfer for a lifetime.  I was not one of those people and I must confess to knowing one person (a very good friend) who grew up in a country club environment (by his own admission, the club was not a sanctuary for the well-heeled but more of a social club that had things for people of all ages and genders).  My parents were of very modest means, so joining a country club was a laughable idea (not to mention my parents were not golfers on any level- the best I could do is my father playing minor league baseball and being a fairly decent doubles tennis player).  However, I did have my “one on one” introduction via an aunt (since deceased) who was a very good amateur player (we would see her once a year during the family visits that doubled as vacations).  At no point did she ever give me lessons other than a couple tips (we played together a few times- she could be as tough as nails but she could also be as sweet and charming in her Texas/Oklahoma drawl as you could possibly imagine) and a suggestion to watch Jack Nicklaus’ videos “Golf My Way” (in my opinion this remains as good of an instructional video that exists- there’s nothing fancy here…just good solid fundamentals); I can still remember watching these videos (renting them from the local video rental store- kids, go ask your parents about “video rental stores”).

I’ve been playing the game off and on for close to 30 years.  I’ve probably played at 200 golf courses, and if I’ve met the local PGA Professional at any of them, it would be news to me (again- no need for introductions from the club pros).  If you don’t know me, I’m the guy who happily puts on his golf shoes in the parking lot, and then walks into the pro shop to pay my green fee and head to the starter (until I quit smoking I’d be the guy pulling up in untied golf shoes stashing my cigarettes in the cart (if I didn’t have one already lit) where nowadays people stash their mobile phones).  Generally speaking, I’m a “hit the ball and hit the road” golfer (a phrase coined by a writer whose work I enjoy).  I don’t know anyone who has the time to spend that kind of time at a country club, and the reality is that I don’t see this dichotomy changing anytime soon in the age of two-income families and social agendas for kids becoming more and more compacted.

So unless you’re the child of parents who spend a lot of time at a country club, the reality in the 21st century is that a club professional may not be capable (or willing) to have that one on one time.  It’s a wonderful idea (and to be clear, I’ve nothing but kind words for any club professional teaching the game to young people), but is it really practical?

The answer, it seems, is that it’s on all of us.  My aunt didn’t teach me grip, stance, or swing.  My grip, stance, and swing are entirely self-taught from watching Golf My Way and going out and following what the videos showed me.  Is that a bad thing?   I’ve had two people give me pointers in the last 20 years.  A guy I was talking to at a driving range in 1995 told me to stand closer and more upright to the ball (I’d gain distance and I’d be less likely to come over the top), and a guy at a store I was trying some clubs out identified me as a hockey player based on my swing.  His advice?  Don’t let anyone get the hockey out of your swing.  That and Jack (and later in life, that Jack would sometimes be Jack Daniels, who also offers sage advice).

If you see young people playing, welcome them.  Don’t worry about them becoming Tour Professionals (they won’t) and for all that’s good, let them try to figure it out on their own (sounds mean but once you actually figure out what it is you’re doing wrong and how to correct it, you’ll be a much better golfer).  Offer aid when asked.  Focus on the basics- grip, stance, ball position.  I learned by hitting lightweight practice balls in my neighbourhood (I’d cover them with scotch tape to give them a bit of weight and make them not quite as susceptible to wind) and I made my own “course” using light posts and trees for flag sticks (using a single club- an old Wilson 8-iron).

Again, I’m not being critical of Brandel Chamblee, I’m pointing out that his experiences are just that-his.  It’s not to diminish them, but rather to point out that there are different paths to the game other than the club professional.  I do agree with him that foot-golf (Frisbee golf but with a soccer ball) and the 15 inch hole are not solutions, but well-intended but naive ideas that do nothing to grow the game.

Shouldn't you be at a Phish concert or something?

Shouldn’t you be at a Phish concert or something?

Seriously.  Go find a disc golf course and ask folks playing if they’ve ever considered playing real golf.  My guess is that they haven’t.  Which is fine- they enjoy their sport and I’m free to enjoy mine, just like they can enjoy 20-minute versions of Phish songs, and I can enjoy double scotches.

 

 

 

 

Maryland, My (and yours) Maryland

As I constantly look to expand my golfing horizons beyond the usual rota, I find that sometimes, this means going to take a second look at a course I may have played years prior, to see things that maybe I missed the first time.

It was in this vein that I happened upon University of Maryland Golf Course which is located across the street from their College Park campus.  I had played there once before; I left work early on a Friday in July 2008 (which, unbeknownst to me at the time, was the last weekend the course would be open as it would be closed for several months to undergo an exhaustive renovation) and thought it was a good test of golf.

A year or two ago, the University thought about shutting the course down to use the land for something else (just what we need- another “mixed use” retail facility); luckily, cooler heads prevailed- not only do the men’s and women’s golf teams have a home course, but the golfing public has a fantastic public course located inside the capital beltway that can challenge anyone.

The course wastes no time getting your attention; the first two holes (over 410 yards each from the “gold” tees and over 450 each from the tips) are as tough of a start as you could ask for.  The second hole (#1 handicap on the card) requires an uphill second shot to a well-protected green (I got in a bunker and went full Benny Hill from there, carding a triple bogey 7).

Scorecard.  Four sets of tees plus two "combo" options.  Huzzah!

Scorecard. Four sets of tees plus two “combo” options. Huzzah!

The third hole is a short par 4 that looks benign on the card, but like #2, has a well protected green (despite only being 316 from the gold tees it’s not easy at all).  The fifth hole is fairly benign; only 400 yards from the gold tees and relatively flat.

UMD golf course 5th hole. Just hit it straight.

UMD golf course 5th hole. Just hit it straight.

The eighth hole (seen below) is the shortest of the par 3’s at less than 130 yards from the tips, but the green is well protected and par is certainly a good score.  Anything long gets wet as you’ll see (or goes far right).  It’s down hill so it’s probably 1/2 -3/4 a club shorter than on the card.  The landing area left of the front bunker is a good “miss” spot.

UMD golf course 8th hole. Best to be accurate.

UMD golf course 8th hole. Best to be accurate.

The front side ends with a long, uphill par 5 that runs parallel to route 193.  Only 510 from the gold tees but it plays uphill and into the prevailing wind (it was dead calm when I played).

The back nine starts with a shortish par 4 that plays shorter as it’s downhill before coming to the 11th hole.  Playing from the tips it’s over 225 yards but from the gold tees it’s only 168.  If you can play a right to left shot it’ll help.  If you duff one like I did, then you’re in a world of hurt.

UMD golf course 11th hole.  Just ignore the trees, waste area, and just see the green.

UMD golf course 11th hole. Just ignore the trees, waste area, and just see the green.

The back nine is considerably tighter than the front nine, despite being longer (it has 2 par 5’s rather than only 1 on the front side).  The 17th hole (below) is a real gem and proof you don’t need length.  At 327 from the gold tees and just over 300 from the whites it’s a short hole but there’s elevation changes and well-protected greens that require two good shots.

The 18th is a monster; 486 from the tips and 438 from the golds.  I was very happy to hit two good shots to get on in regulation and two putt for a par.

One thing- unlike most courses, the tee boxes, fairways and roughs are bermuda grass, which you don’t see much of in the mid-Atlantic.  The ball will tend to sit up a bit in the fairway, but nestle down in the rough.  The rough was not that tall when I played but it didn’t need to be.

The other gem is the practice facility.  While most courses have a pedestrian driving range, the UMD golf course has one of the best short game areas in the region.  Two practice greens (one near the first and tenth tees, the other complex featuring a putting green and a short game green) and a decent range (mats only, but still).  Seeing this further shames me for not taking advantage of this when I was working nearby.

Where three putts should go to die at the practice green at UMD.

Where three putts should go to die at the practice green at UMD.

If that’s not enough, one final touch- in addition to four sets of tees, there’s two different “combo” options (I played the gold/white combo) available.

The only negative I can see is that once the class begins I’m sure that playing here becomes tricky as I’m sure the golf teams must have playing privileges.  It’s location off state route 193 with the football stadium visible from the course would also mean one should plan any rounds opposite home football games with care.

The greens were fast.  They don’t look it, but they were very quick and very easy to three-putt if you’re not careful.  Despite potential traffic issues, it’s a solid test of golf and worthy of a visit.  If you find yourself playing there, you’ll be in the middle of the front side with nothing visible except fairways, greens and trees.  From there, remind yourself that you’re actually inside the capital beltway.

I didn’t see one during my early morning round but they do have beverage carts, a half-way hut called The Turn, and a restaurant on-site.  There’s a pro shop where you can buy, presumably, University of Maryland golf-related things (I’m required to mention that She Who Is Really In Charge attended and graduated from Maryland and is a proud Terrapin) and the kinds of things you’d expect to find in a pro shop.

I had a great time and enjoyed my round.  Would I come back?  You bet.

Since we’re discussing colleges, my fellow Spartan Ken Venturi is still sorely missed to this day.  He remains, in my opinion, the best in the business because he explained things succinctly and accurately.  To wit, 30 seconds of his genius on how to skip a shot over water.

 

Doing the Voodoo that You Do

So today’s the last Sunday in July, which means that the next time I tee one up it’ll be August.  Which means that the “summer” golf season of June-August has one month left.

So how’s it going so far for you?  The weather has, as you might imagine, been a real factor (not to beat a dead horse but that Mens Journal written-on-a-crayon piece I referenced last week failed to mention that weather is an enormous factor in rounds played) with several heat waves and more than normal thunderstorms.  Hopefully you’ve been able to get out there and enjoy some good golf.

The Quicken Loans National  hits our area next weekend, however it’s not at Congressional this year, but rather it’s at RTJ Golf Club in Gainesville/Lake Manassas (pick one- I’ve seen both), VA.  While this sounds all good and well, from the official site to buy tickets (the Tiger Woods Foundation website), there’s this nugget:

Buy your parking early and save. Parking will be at Jiffy Lube Live: 7800 Cellar Door Drive, Bristow, VA 20136.

$10 per day, General Admission Parking (Tuesday-Sunday)

Having anything to do with the clusterfuck that is Jiffy Lube Live is, frankly, a disaster waiting to happen.  Ask anyone who’s ever attended a concert there, and they’ll tell you horror stories.  Plus, they’re charging people to park at what is possibly the most-hated venue in the DMV (it’s a tie between Jiffy Lube Live and FedEx Field)?  What’s that about?  I attended this event back when it was the old Kemper Open.  Walked up on Sunday with some co-workers and paid $28.00 to get in and parking was free at Marriott HQ/Montgomery Mall in Bethesda.  Pay in advance now, and that same ticket is now $45.00.  So I’m now paying DOUBLE what I paid when the tournament was at the old TPC Avenel (now TPC Potomac- I played there in 2012 as a guest of a former colleague- it was a fantastic course…if you get a chance well worth your time).  So I’ll pass; I’ll have a few beers that will be cheaper than the $10.00 chilled horse urine that they serve up (and mine will taste better), and I’ll have access to clean, private washrooms and more comfortable seating.  Oh, and at my “private suite”, once the round is done, I won’t have to sit on the parking lot that is I-66 for hours on end.

I played yesterday (Saturday) at Little Bennett.  Other than the greens being a bit furry (they were cutting the greens while I was playing) the course was in great shape.

12th hole.  Waiting to hit my 2nd shot while they mowed and re-cut the green.  Made par from here.  GAHH!

12th hole. Waiting to hit my 2nd shot while they mowed and re-cut the green. Made par from here. GAHH!

It’s hard to complain about carding an 81, except that take away 2 three-putts and that becomes a 79.  Still, it’s a tough course and for my two cents worth an underrated test of golf.

Not scary at all.  Just hit it long and straight.  What could be easier?

Not scary at all. Just hit it long and straight. What could be easier?

I got on a 5-hole par train starting on #10, where I hit the fairway and was on in regulation on every hole.  Had 2 tap-ins of 2″ for pars, but in reality I can’t complain even if I’m doing just that right now.

Note.  Going right with your second shot is not suggested.  Just saying.

Note. Going right with your second shot is not suggested. Just saying.

All in all, a solid round.  The wreckage appears below.

Scorecard from my round on July 25th.  Played from the whites except on 2 holes where I played from the blues.

Scorecard from my round on July 25th. Played from the whites except on 2 holes where I played from the blues.

This week the PGA Tour is in my hometown area (I grew up in Mississauga, Glen Abbey is in Oakville which is next to Mississauga).  When Graham DeLaet withdrew this week due to injury I figured there’d be no chance of seeing a Canadian lead, but here we are on Sunday afternoon with two Canadians (David Hearn is tied for the lead, Adam Hadwin is T6) on the front page of the leaderboard.  Given that a Canadian hasn’t won in over 60 years I’d like to see Hearn pull it out.

Shameless plug: for more that just golf follow me on Instagram.  It’s like my blog, but less wordy and more boozy.

Enjoy August, and hit ’em straight,

Your friends @ SGIC

 

Maintenance Day Ramblings

I played yesterday at Redgate, and was not impressed with the conditions.

Ko'olau Golf Course.  Not a bad place to be right now.

Ko’olau Golf Course. Not a bad place to be right now.

I’d like to sugarcoat things, but if I’m being honest, the course wasn’t in the greatest shape.  The greens had been punched 1-2 weeks prior (again- nothing on the course’s website about this), and the tee boxes were scruffy at best.  Lots of dead spots and divots.  The fairways were okay, but not great (I’m not sure why, but my cart didn’t have any divot mix containers).  Several of the greens had multiple divots and pitch marks; I do my best to repair my pitch marks and divots (a good rule of thumb- fix yours and if you don’t see a group behind you, fix another) even though I normally don’t take a divot from the fairway as I’m more of a picker than a digger.

I’ll grant you this- the weather has played havoc and I’m sure every superintendent in the DMV would love to have the weather we had last summer (who wouldn’t?) return, but unfortunately it’s been a full throttle of heat, humidity and thunderstorms.  On the one hand, the rain is doing the work of sprinkler systems so water usage must be down a ton.  So the amount of brown spots I saw yesterday really makes no sense.

The round itself was a mixed bag; after a couple early bogeys on easy holes, I rode the par train for seven straight holes before I got on board the bogey and worse train for a few holes before going par/par/double bogey/par to finish the round.  Playing solo I was moving so I didn’t have a chance to take photos.  I carded a respectable 81 (out in 39 but in with a 42) that was helped by only needing 32 putts (I got wild with the driver which didn’t help things).  Didn’t help that the battery in my rangefinder died so I had to go old school for the last 16 holes but that’s a real case of first-world problems.

Which brings me to issue #2- putting people out on the back nine.  I’m all for the “time for nine” idea.  But if you go out early on the back nine, you can’t be a slowpoke.  And when you see people waiting on you, and there’s not a single group in front of you, guess what- YOU’RE THE PROBLEM!  Admitting it is a good first step but actually playing faster is a solution.  Or better yet, wave the speed demons up and let them play through.

Look- Redgate is still a solid muni course and I, for one, am glad it exists.  It was pretty busy as I finished up my round (despite having to wait on our slow-poke twosome I finished in 2 1/2 hours…pedestrian by my standard but in the DMV on a Saturday morning I really shouldn’t complain) which was nice to see.

Recently I came upon an article in Men’s Journal; another pile of bullshit (I’ll start with how they got the number of majors that Tiger Woods has won wrong- the article says 15, not 14 (if you want to count his 3 US Amateurs that’s 17…still not 15) about how the game is dying.  Except that it isn’t (when the author of this dirge trotted out Tiger Woods it became dog-whistle garbage (Woods didn’t grow the game- he impacted TV ratings when he played; housing developments and terrible real estate management gave us too many courses- a lot of his fans may have purchased Nike hats but most of them already liked golf; at best, rounds grew by 1-2% when he was in his infancy).  The industry had its best-ever sales of golf balls in April of this year.  People aren’t buying golf balls for the sake of buying them.  Golf Datatech produced actual research about this.   The NGF and Golf Datatech have done enough research that shows that weather plays a HUGE role in rounds played.  Think about 2012 when we didn’t really have much of a winter.  Courses stayed open, rounds played were up.  Now think about the last two winters, and how cold and snowy they were.  Courses weren’t open and rounds plummeted!  Amazeballs, right?  I know I didn’t play in March, and was willing to freeze my “one meat, two veg” off in early April just to be able to play.

What has changed is that the days of being able to spend all of your weekend at a country club is no more for families and that myself and younger folks aren’t buying private club memberships like our parents did.  But this isn’t news.  How the industry deals with this will be interesting.  I’ll be watching.

The other thing that this article talked about was the old chestnut of how millennials aren’t playing.  And yet, I took a long look at the faces of the golfers who were either teeing off or getting ready to tee off yesterday, and it was a very heavy millennial-leaning crowd (probably 75% white and 25% Asian/African-American/Latino).  I’ve played with three different groups of millennials this year.  All of them the kind of folks you’d be happy to have in your group.

And last, but not least, you can now find me on Instagram.  I’m here.  So add me and I’ll start adding photos (mostly golf-related; I think I’ll pass on taking pictures of my food (wine and scotch do not apply to this).

 

Rattlewood Course Review

I’ve passed by Rattlewood Golf Course at least a dozen times over the last two years, often to playing at Little Bennett, PB Dye or Whiskey Creek.  At no point did I ever think to stop in and take a gander, make a tee time, or look a bit closer.   I took a couple comments from a couple guys I played with once (who both hated it) and let that act as judgement on the course.  Upon further review, they were wrong.

If I were to say that Rattlewood is the jewel in the crown of the MCG courses, I’d be wrong.  With that being said, you could do a lot worse than spending a day at Rattlewood.   If I didn’t like the course I’d tell you so, and more importantly, I’d provide evidence of what I didn’t like.  I won’t say it’s an upscale member-for-day experience (it’s not), but I will say that if you’re looking for interesting holes and good playing conditions that won’t destroy your wallet (I paid $59.99 to ride on a Saturday morning; Hampshire Greens and Northwest run $25 more), then you could certainly do a lot worse.

Pullig into the parking lot amid rain, I wasn’t sure what I was in for.  The lot was empty, and I didn’t see much in terms of activity.  After I schlepped my bag to a cart and loaded up, I went inside, paid my green fee, hit a few practice putts on their practice green (picture below) and waited to tee off.  When the group before me wasn’t around, the starter (first woman starter I’ve seen in recent memory) sent me on my way playing solo.  As is my want, it took me about 1/1000th of a second to get to the tee, put a peg in the ground and send one airborne (I probably should have tied my shoes but really- that’s overrated).  Normally I wouldn’t play from the tips, but 6501 yards is at the high end of my wheelhouse and there’s only one par 4 more than 420 yards (my cutoff).  The par 5’s are your yardage hogs; the shortest one is 527 yards and the longest one is a robust 551 yards.  The whites come in at 6,104 yards and will give most golfers plenty to deal with.

Pro shop and clubhouse at Rattlewood.  The carpet is from Caddyshack and is spectactular

Pro shop and clubhouse at Rattlewood. The carpet is from Caddyshack and is spectactular

After a fairly pedestrian opener, the second hole provides a stiffer challenge at 440 from the tips.  The photo doesn’t show that it’s raining, but it still is on #2.  The tee box is elevated so it plays shorter, but it’s still a lot of golf hole.  The rough wasn’t terrible when I played it, but given all the rain we’ve had it’s not hard to see how it could get pretty lush.  One thing I didn’t like- no collar or intermediate rough…you’re either in the fairway or in the deep stuff.

Second hole at Rattlewood from the rough.  Don't go right.

Second hole at Rattlewood from the rough. Don’t go right.

The third hole is the first par 5, and at 528 from the tips and uphill the entire way, it’s a 3-shot hole for sure.  The first two shots are all about position for the third shot (it doglegs to the right for your third shot; the greens are all fairly small and well protected but most holes have a run-up area that is a good miss); my third trickled on the green and I was able to 2-putt for a par.

Third hole at Rattlewood.  Really pouring here.  And uphill.  And maybe a bear and a shark.

Third hole at Rattlewood. Really pouring here. And uphill. And maybe a bear and a shark.

A couple fairly mundane holes lead you to #6, which, though having an elevated tee, requires a carry over water that shouldn’t be an issue, but we know how water can intimidate even highly skilled players.  If that wasn’t enough, I had to land my second shot on the green in between a dozen geese who were kind enough to leave their “mark” on the green.  Do you get free relief from goose shit?  Just asking.  The hole doglegs to the left; the green is just past the bunker on the left.

6th hole at Rattlewood.  I think you get a free beer if you hit a goose.  Maybe.

6th hole at Rattlewood. I think you get a free beer if you hit a goose. Maybe.

The front side closest with a tough par 5 (551 from the tips); it doglegs to the left twice (it’s the #1 handicap hole on the course if that sort of thing is important to you) to a slightly elevated green.  A good miss is right as it’ll typically kick left.  I felt pretty happy to 2-putt for a par.  The back side starts with a second difficult par in a row (see photo below); this one requires a pretty hefty carry over a hazard (it’s 521 yards from the tips).  I ended up in the left rough, left my third shot in trouble and 2-putted for a bogey.

10th hole at Rattlewood.  I'd suggest clearing the hazard, but I'm not a pro.

10th hole at Rattlewood. I’d suggest clearing the hazard, but I’m not a pro.

The 12th hole (below) is a long par 3 (224 yards from the tips); for me that’s a full 3-wood.  From the whites it’s “only” 209 yards (plays slightly downhill but there’s a big bunker on the right that clearly must see a lot of traffic.  I cleared the bunker but was just off the collar; chipped and 1-putted for a very happy par.

12th hole at Rattlewood.  A beast of a par 3.

12th hole at Rattlewood. A beast of a par 3.

After a couple 3-putt mishaps, I managed to par the last four holes (getting up and down on 3 straight holes to save par) to come in at a 79 (my first sub-80 round this year).  If I were being honest, I’d give some credit to my new big stick (a Titleist 915D2 driver that is at least 15-20 yards longer than my 910D2).

17th hole at Rattlewood.  Do. Not. Go. Left.

17th hole at Rattlewood. Do. Not. Go. Left.

Scores on the doors:

 

Scorecard from my round on July 11th.  Feels good to break 80.

Scorecard from my round on July 11th. Feels good to break 80.

One of the issues with the golf scene in the area is that the public courses are starting to separate themselves.  You have your “member for the day” tracks like Whiskey Creek, Raspberry Falls, Lake Presidential, and the like.  Then there’s your top end public tracks (Northwest Park, Laurel Hill, Blue Mash, Waverly Woods come to mind).  And then what?

The Sligo Creek, Trotters Glen, Gunpowder courses serve a specific market, but in between I feel like we still have varying levels of mediocrity.  Cross Creek is slowly sliding into this end of the spectrum (and the infinite gong show that is Timbers at Troy is slowly heading down this path whether they want to admit it or not).

The course has a serviceable driving range (mats only), a short game green for chipping and a practice putting green.  The clubhouse is accessible at the turn should the need for sustenance come up; I don’t know if they have a beverage cart or not.  They have a pro shop that has the sort of things you’d expect to see at most public golf course pro shops.  The starter and the young man working in the pro shop were very polite and friendly.  Not sure what else you can ask for.

So my advice?  Stop…take a chance on the unknown.  You never know what you’ll find.  You may find something you needed, even if you didn’t know what you were looking for.  I needed Rattlewood today.  I just didn’t know it.  Sometimes you just have to get out of the way, and see things for what they are, and not what you might want them to be.  It was a great reminder of why I love this game, and the beauty that comes from a course you don’t know, and just you, a new sleeve of Titleists, your clubs, your swing, and your imagination.

Is Rattlewood perfect?  No, but neither am I.  The greens were a bit slow and were a touch bumpy (understandable given how much rain we’ve had), but in the end, I had a great day out, and really- isn’t that why we play?

Would I go back to Rattlewood?  In a word…yes.

Your song of the day is courtesy of Gordon Lightfoot (mock it and I’ll beat you with a bag of hammers).

Getting a Few Things Off My Chest

After a weekend of not playing, I teed it up yesterday (7/3) at Hampshire Greens.  My list of maladies keeps growing; I already have chronic tendinitis in one foot and managed a 2nd degree burn on the other leg (more on that), and if that weren’t enough, I dealt with back spasms yesterday morning (still tender).  To say I was not optimistic would be painfully correct.   Played decent (not great) and got around in an 82 from the blues.  The picture below of the first hole doesn’t capture the elevation change off the tee but it’s a pretty good visual of what you’re looking at.

Hampshire Greens 1st Hole. DO NOT GO LEFT.

Hampshire Greens 1st Hole. DO NOT GO LEFT.

One thing- Hampshire Greens has punched their greens so you’ll notice the tiny holes (it looks like they did this a week or so ago) and more importantly, the layer of sand on your ball.  Bring an extra towel.

The folks at Hampshire Greens are, if nothing else, friendly and polite.  They’re not perfect but my experience yesterday was pretty good.  The pro shop and starter folks were nice enough (no beverage cart until the 18th hole but there are several water stations at the course).

Beyond that, the course was in good shape despite the heavy rains we’ve had for most of June.  The fairways were in decent shape (a bit lush but recently mowed) but it was hardly playing “firm and fast” but it played well enough.  Unless they move the boxes and hole locations, the location on #2 was up front, but #17 and #18 were way in the back.

The 10th hole (see below) remains one of my favourites as there are several ways to attack the hole.  Aiming at the bunker gives you a more direct line, but playing to the right of the bunker gives you a clearer view of the green.  Managed to 2-putt for a par, with no complaints.

Hampshire Greens 10th Hole.  Choose your line wisely.

Hampshire Greens 10th Hole. Choose your line wisely.

Played with a few guys who, other than being a bit slow, were nice enough.

If you get a chance to play this weekend have fun, keep it moving along, and don’t be afraid to use a forward set of tees.  You’ll have fun, and you’ll play faster.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t talk about a couple issues that have bothered me more than a fair bit over the last few days-

1) Donald Trump.  I’ve little interest in his politics, but his recent comments that golf should be a game only for elites is laughably wrong and exactly the opinion that keeps the game from growing.  For one, over 70% of golf courses in the US are your public/municipal/daily fee courses.  The kind of courses I play every weekend morning, and my guess is the kind you play if you’re reading this (if you’re a member at Congressional and would like to have me out there get a hold of me and I’m your huckleberry).  Where we change our shoes in the parking lot before playing, and we all aspire to play better but mostly, we play because we love the game.  Take away over 2/3 of golf courses, and the industry would die overnight (a couple recent visits to Golf Galaxy were chock-full of public course golfers just like me).  When the recession hit in 2008-09, the courses most likely to go under were not the muni tracks but the private clubs (what Trump doesn’t understand is that my generation (Gen X) and the Millennial/Gen Y folks are not buying country club memberships…I probably get at least one country club solicitation a month).

My better half She Who Is Really In Charge (SWIRIC) doesn’t play and has never expressed a desire to take up the game so for me to join a country club makes zero sense.  And in the day of parents with kids having activities going on seemingly nonstop, having dad spend all day on Saturday at the club is simply not happening to the extent that it was.  That the PGA Tour, LPGA Tour, USGA, PGA of America have all come out against his comments should tell you all you need to know.  I’ll further that the tours should cease using his courses immediately.

Further, Trump should care about growing the game (for all their other problems, the USGA and PGA of America are at least trying to grow the game).  You don’t grow the game by making it less accessible or by saying that it should only be for elites.  To Trump’s point…do I want to play golf with a 15 inch hole (make your own jokes)?  No.  But if someone gets the bug as a result, takes it up, and then decides they want to play with a regulation hole…then that’s good, right?

Ask the golf equipment manufacturers how they feel…I’m sure they’d very much like aspiring and novice golfers to buy their gear.

2) Steve Simmons. The columnist for the Toronto Sun wrote a scathing piece about Phil Kessel after he was traded to Pittsburgh (I’m linking to it against better judgement).  In his column, he states that Kessel would venture down from his downtown Toronto condo every day at 2:30 for a hot dog at a specific hot dog stand (the suggestion being that Kessel is fat and lazy and doesn’t care about nutrition).  Which is fine, except that Leafs’ blog Pension Plan Puppets kind of, well, debunked that story.  The point is this- Simmons is entitled to his opinion (if he thought Kessel wasn’t a good hockey player then fine- if he had actual quotes from NHL coaches and GM’s to support this…great), but he’s not entitled to make stuff up.  I thought about writing up a paragraph of insults about him, but frankly, his relevancy is nil and the less you listen to him the better off you’ll be.  Know this- if I write something about a course, know that this was my actual experience.  Your experience may well be different, but I will never write fiction and try to pass it off as fact.

As always, hit ’em straight and play well.  Enjoy your Independence Day celebrations.  Play this song and enjoy the holiday.

 

Equipment Review- Odyssey Works Versa 2-Ball Fang

I have never been graced with fantastic putting skills.  I can hit the ball fairly well and my chipping and wedge play is decent, but more often than not, my putting has torpedoed more rounds than I can count.

My latest band-aid has come from the good people at Odyssey Golf, with their new Odyssey Works Versa 2-Ball Fang that they rolled out at the start of the year (all photos are mine- sorry about the lighting).  The standard model comes with a standard grip, but the one I purchased came with the larger grip (shown below).  I have found that I tend to not get as wristy or as prone to pushes and pulls with the larger grip.

My new flat stick.  The rug really ties the room together.

My new flat stick. The rug really ties the room together.

I’m not yet a putter hoarder- I have an original Ping Craz-E that someone christened “a spatula”, I have an old Ping A-Blade that was a gift from my late aunt (who introduced me to the game over 30 years ago), and I have a Scotty Cameron Newport Detour that I’ll throw in the bag (I like it enough but it’s a bit light for me- on fast greens…it’s great).

While we suffered through a long, cold, and snowy winter, I read up and researched putters.  Once the weather got nice, I headed over to Golf Galaxy (it’s literally the only option- they’re nice enough but don’t take that as an endorsement) to demo the three I found that I thought would help me: The Odyssey that I ended up buying, a Ping Scottsdale (the Carefree, which looks like the next generation of the Craz-E line), and a Scotty Cameron GoLo.

The Cameron putters are works of art and the price tag reflects this.  Unfortunately, I need more of an alignment aid than the Cameron offers.  If you’re someone who wants a blade putter and doesn’t mind dropping the coin, I cannot recommend them enough.

The Ping never felt good in my hands, and I never felt comfortable over the ball.  I kept finding that I was pulling putts, and for whatever reason it didn’t meet my eye test.  If you’re shopping for a new putter, take a look at their product- it wasn’t for me but they still make great equipment.

And I guess that’s my take-away.  Try different models.  Don’t go in locked into one model.

So back to the Odyssey.  The 2-ball putter has been around for close to a decade, and the simplicity of it really caught my eye.  It’s easy to line up (see photo below).

Odyssey Works Versa 2-Ball Fang (top of putter- looking down)

Odyssey Works Versa 2-Ball Fang (top of putter- looking down)

Standing over a putt, it’s super-easy to line up, and more than the Cameron, felt very smooth going back and at impact.  Off the face of the putter, the ball began rolling pretty quickly.  Below is the bottom of the putter.

Bottom of Putter

Bottom of Putter

I’ve used it now for five rounds and I’m definitely taking fewer putts.  More importantly, my first putt is ending up in tap-in range (or at a minimum within the Circle of Trust/Circle of Friendship that you’d like to be in), and I’m not seeing the misses because of pushes and pulls.

If you’re in the market for a new flat stick, do your homework online and don’t be afraid to try different models.  Ask questions, and hopefully make plenty of putts.

Unrelated, I watched (for 30 second) the self-indulgent crap-fest that was the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Awards Ceremony.  They’ll never get in, and their chances of reuniting for a tour are probably nil.  But for a few years in the 1980’s, The Smiths were, in my opinion, unlike anything else.  The genius was always Johnny Marr’s rickenbacker guitar, and not the lead singer.  If you’re unfamiliar, listen and you’ll see what I mean.

Yes The PGA Tour Needs an All Star Event

As I settled in last night to watch the (allegedly) drunken debauchery that was the NHL All Star Fantasy Draft (starting in 2011 the league skipped their old East/West and North America/World formats and chose teams via fantasy draft), I took away a few things- for one, it looked like everyone was having fun, and two- why can’t the PGA Tour do something similar?

Hi Ovie!

If Tiger Woods was doing this the Internet would explode

So armed with that idea, a piece of paper, a pen, and a barely functioning brain, I came up with a plan- the 1st Annual LPGA-PGA Tour All Star Weekend!

We have a trade to announce...see ya Phil.

We have a trade to announce…see ya Phil.

Each Tour selects their best 12 players.  Players that are nominated but decline are deducted FedEx Cup points/CME Globe points.  Players that show up get the equivalent of a top 10 finish in a marquee event and guaranteed status for two years (same as winning an event).

Take one of the spring events.  For some reason I keep thinking Dallas would be a great “first option”…some time in April (after the Masters in that nine week period between the Masters and the US Open).

Pick two playing captains…don’t overthink it.  Mickelson and Woods?  Sure!  Think high profile.   Have fun with it.

Each team picks 12 players (6 men, 6 women).  You know…like, oh, I don’t know…the Solheim, Ryder, and Presidents Cups?  Have the “draft” on television.  I’m dead certain the Golf Channel would show it.  Allow a trade?  Hell yes!  Encourage drinking?  Oh hell yes!  Have Feherty or someone similar act as emcee.  When they go on stage they get their team bag and shirt (you make up bags for each team…the unused ones get raffled off for The First Tee or Donors Choose (have fans vote among a few selected charities).  The last player picked gets a car.

Format?  Team format, obviously.  Day one (Friday)- everyone plays one round of fourballs (teams are one man/one woman).  Day two (Saturday)?  everyone plays one round of foursomes (alternate shot).  Day three (Sunday)?  Match play.  Have the women play the odd numbered games, the men the even (so women take slots 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, the men 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12).  Tied?  Putting contest on the 18th green as to who can make the longest putt.  I’d chop down the rough.  We’re encouraging birdies and eagles here.

Nobody has to play 36 holes in a day.  The winning team gets FedEx/CME Globe points.  Shit, I’d let ’em ride carts if they want to.  I’d even let it be known quietly that a little on-course wagering won’t offend anyone’s tender mercies.  Everyone at this event is wearing a mic.

But what of tradition, you say?  Please.  You’re telling me that a tournament wouldn’t want this in lieu of a pedestrian 72-hole event?  People would buy tickets and quite happily (in fact, my guess is that a lot of places would be happy to host something like this).

It’s still golf.  Would you like to see, say, Rickie Fowler and Michelle Wie as teammates for a day or some tournament that nobody cares about?

Besides, isn’t the whole point of this to be entertaining?

 

The 2014 SGIC Awards

After careful consideration and a long and deliberative process (at least 15 minutes and a couple double scotches), I’m pleased to announce the winners of the 2014 Single Golfer In Cart Awards (SGIC) and general Airing of Grievances for Excellence in Whatever I Damn Well Deem Appropriate.  Since the Grill Room at Fairway Hills was busy (someone put brochures on the one table), I held the awards at the House of SGIC.  It was a black tshirt affair.  The awards are only for local area golf courses.  Below are the other members of the voting committee.

Molson and Kona. You guys rock.

Molson and Kona. You guys rock.

Behold, our award winners:

The Refusal To Die Award: Shared among Old Gunpowder and Sligo Creek Golf Courses.  These courses continue to exist despite their deaths the stuff of constant speculation.  Both courses offer new golfers and the thriftier set options to enjoy the game.

The First Thing We’ll Do is Kill Pace of Play Award: To Falls Road GC and any other course that throws dozens of groups on the back nine on weekend mornings, resulting in play grinding to a halt.  At one point there were 7 groups on 2 holes (at 9:15 a.m.).  And you wonder why rounds take 5 plus hours?

The  Why Are You Even Trying Pro Shop Award: Fairway Hills…where you can get a hot dog, a soda and a dozen Top-Flites in one stop.  All in a room the size of a prison cell.

The Excellence In Conditioning Award: Northwest Park.  While their green fees have gone up over the last couple years, you’re paying for top-notch fairways and greens.  Proof that people will pay for quality.

The Excellence in Customer Service Award: Northwest Park, who phoned me and left a voicemail after a heavy storm in May to explain that the back 9 was closed and we’d be playing the front nine and the “inside 9” during our round.

The I can Has Technology Award: To courses who refuse to let people know their aeration schedule.  This is not difficult.  It should be on your course’s website and anyone booking over the phone should be advised, and a sign in the pro shop should be visible.

The I can Has Technology Award Runner Up: Courses who can’t be bothered to tell people they’re open after a horrible winter.  See Timbers at Troy and pretty much anything in Howard County.

The Excellence in Lying Out Their Ass Citation: Columbia Association’s never-ending tv ads touting their two courses.  One’s a complete shit show in terms of conditioning that has their own “club” that gets all the early-morning weekend tee times (Hobbit’s Glen) and the other one has at least two holes I’d like to fire into the sun (Fairway Hills).

Best Retailer: Golf Galaxy (by default).  Mammoth Golf is but a memory, and Dick’s Sporting Goods (yes- same parent company) is a loud thunderdome populated by teenage jockbros.  I’ve had two club fitting experiences at Golf Galaxy and both were pretty good.  Plus, Dick’s got rid of all of their PGA Professionals so now you’re dealing with someone who might have been selling camping gear the day before.  If Golfdom (see below) opened a Maryland store and started carrying big and tall sizes this could change.

Worst Retailer: Pretty much everyone in the area, because there’s no retail golf stores that sell big and tall sizes.  I’d like to support a locally run golf retailer; other than Olney Golf Park (selection is very much meh) there’s not one that exists other than either your “green grass” retailers (at courses) or a big chain.  Yes- I’m aware of Golfdom in Virginia, but that’s an hour-plus drive for me.

Best Online Retailer: TGW.  They carry big and tall sizes, and their reviews are from verified purchases.  If they’d stop emailing me every goddamn day that would be nice, but in the main I can’t complain.

Worst Online Retailer: Too many to mention.

The Oblivious Award: To the two jackasses I played with at Laytonsville back in April who spent half their day on their cell phones or taking 3-4 practice swings on every shot.  Either pick up the pace and take on practice swing or take up tennis.   Hopefully my golf didn’t get in the way of you talking on the phone.

Best overall Experience Award:  Despite rain, my round at Whiskey Creek was, for the most part, what I was hoping for.  The course was in good shape, pace of play was good, and the staff was uniformly fantastic.  I enjoyed Worthington Manor as well, but I’d have to shade it to Whiskey Creek.

Worst overall Experience: Laytonsville.  It’s hard to believe that the same parent company that runs Northwest has this clunker, but it’s true.  The marshal giving me the gears over pace of play (and not my playing partners), conditions that were lousy at best, and a round that took way too long?  No thanks.

Places I’m in no rush to re-visit: Tied between Timbers at Troy (a complete shit show- I had one visit there to renew my handicap and it was a 45-minute ordeal) and Waverly Woods (the public track that thinks it’s a private course replete with the attitude).  Their collective policy towards single golfers is the equivalent of an extended middle finger.  I can be treatedly warmly by Worthington Manor and Whiskey Creek (and countless other tracks), and I will spend my dollars accordingly.  My experience at Waverly Woods from 3 years ago was not exactly welcoming.  A great layout and conditions are nice, but treating people like you’re doing them a favour in letting them play is not how you build a business.

Best new purchase: The Titleist AP1 irons I bought this past February have been a welcome addition in the bag.

Worst new purchase: The Titleist Golf Bag I bought.  I love everything about it except for one thing- THE STRAP IN IN THE BACK OF THE BAG WHICH MAKES CARRYING IT A NIGHTMARE.  A suggestion- put buckles in both sides so that the main strap can get moved.  Otherwise…it’s a great bag.

The Why is This a Thing Award: Courses that feel the need to have US Open level rough.  It kills pace of play when you’re spending forever looking for a lost ball. Cut the damn rough.

Holes that need to be blown up: Tie between Redgate #16 and Hampshire Greens #2.  Two holes that are set up to destroy pace of play.  Stop with the “signature hole” bullshit.  Redgate punishes a fantastic drive and encourages a layup to a brutal third shot.  Hampshire Greens #2 starts innocently enough but makes the second shot brutally hard with invisible hazards.  This doesn’t challenge the average player- it punishes them.  Even having red or yellow stakes that are visible would help you see where you can and can’t go.

Hard hole that does what it should: Falls Road #12.  Straight shot that favors the right side to an uphill green.  Anything left is dead.  I’ve never scored well on it, but it’s fairly simple and doesn’t try to trick the player.

In Memoriam (cue the sad music): Montgomery Village Country Club, my old Ping G2 irons, the Dick’s Sporting Goods PGA Professionals, the LPGA International Crown at Caves Valley (moved out for 2015 and probably won’t return to the area), and any professional Golf (PGA Tour, Web.com, LPGA) in Maryland in 2015.

 

Revealed – The Post Ryder Cup Task Force Meeting

Once again, Sean McIdoe who runs the beyond-fantastic hockey website downgoesbrown.com and has written a fantastic book and if that’s not enough is a frequent contributor to Grantland has generously loaned his infamous “spies” to me as I try to uncover what happened at the super-secret PGA of America Task Force meeting.

Seriously, Sean’s a great writer and his book is hilarious.  Buy his book.  Hell, buy several copies.

Okay, enough plugging.  Below are the meeting minutes.  Present were PGA of America President Ted Bishop, Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Rickie Fowler and Tom Watson.

Ted Bishop (PGA of America President): Thanks, everyone for taking time out of their day to join me here in Orlando as we try to figure out how we can improve the US Ryder Cup team.  We’ve lost 8 of the last 10 Ryder Cups, and frankly they’ve outplayed us.  So I want to hear your ideas on what we can do so we can start winning again.  Because if there’s one thing that golf fans agree on it’s middle-aged white guys chanting “USA” never gets old.  It’s almost as great as the guys who yell “Baba Booey” or “GET IN THE HOLE MASHED POTATOES.”  So who wants to start?  Remember, you’re here to come up with ideas on how we can regain the Ryder Cup in 2016.

Arnold Palmer: Well if you idiots would stop listening to Jack, we’d be playing the Brits and the Irish and not the whole continent.  But…no…you had to go invite the whole damn continent.  And wow…thanks for letting me hear that “Ole Ole Ole” song.  Every time I hear it I want to go drink gasoline.

Dan Jenkins: Can I make a comment about Sergio Garcia that’s mildly offensive or should I just talk about TCU football?  Can I polish Ben Hogan’s statue a bit?  Should I be using the Twitter and talk about Tiger and pool parties?  People like that stuff.  Or should I just mention “try putting better” like I did back in August.

Tiger Woods: TCU old man?  That choke job last week at Baylor was worse that the 2012 choke we had at Medinah, amirite?  You need Stanford guys running things like…what’s that old guy…?

(Jenkins whispering in Woods’ ear to remind him that Tom Watson went to Stanford)

Tiger: Well never mind then.

Watson: Thanks, pal.

Rickie Fowler: Go OSU Cowboys!  I enjoy the Ryder Cup…it’s a great honor to represent my country.  Now if you excuse me I’m getting on my motorcycle and do a couple wheelies in the parking lot.

Phil Mickelson: Well, the first problem is that we’re having this meeting in Orlando.  Should I spend 20 minutes going over this power point presentation Bones and I made about why we should have it in Phoenix or San Diego?  Should I mention I’ll have to leave between 11:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. to take Amy and my daughter to lunch at the Varsity in Atlanta?  And if you look at the last five slides they’re art work made by my kids.

Jenkins: Seriously…do these guys know how to putt?  Ben Hogan knew how to putt.  So’d Lee Trevino.  I need a drink.

Watson: Well, we practiced our putting for a couple hours…so there’s that.

Tiger: I know what you were missing…

Jenkins: Someone who can go 0-4 and not find the fairway with a map?

Jack Nicklaus: I can’t believe I haven’t spoken yet.  I’d like to talk about this one time I played with Arnie back in 1971.  We were both hungover as skunks and we teed off.  Arnie hit a baby draw that ended up in the rough.  I was in the fairway about 175 yards from the pin, and I hit a little fade with a 6-iron …Angelo thought it was a 7-iron but I knew that with the wind that it would be a six; so then Arnie hits this beautiful 4-wood from the rough to about 10 feet..he caught it a bit heavy but he got a good roll on it…

Palmer: Holy shit Jack…can’t you go design a golf course somewhere or go spend time with your grandkids?  I’m old and going to die soon and honestly you talking about golf shots is nowhere near what I want to be hearing about when I go.  You know what would hit the spot right now?  An iced tea/lemonade combo.  I’ve got a great name for it. Anway, so there were these two cheerleaders when I played at Wake Forest…wow.  So the one’s a redhead and tells me about this trick she had involving ping pong balls…

Tiger: Go on…did she work at Perkins?

Jenkins: Are we doing Tiger dating Perkins waitress jokes?  Because I have a few.

Phil: Sophia did a research project about the effective curve of Perkins waitress jokes.  Can I show her analysis?

Group: NO!

Bishop: NO.  What do you guys think would help our players play better in Tournaments?

Fowler: Our captains have always tried their hardest.  Can’t we just say that anyone who lives in the Orlando area is automatically ineligible to play for Europe?  That would mean McDowell and Poulter couldn’t play…that would help, right?  What about if we had more captain’s picks.

Watson: More captain’s picks would be helpful.  I mean, how’d I get stuck with Webb Simpson?  He’s a nice kid but how’d he qualify?

Bishop: Someone kill me…please.

Jenkins: Putting.  Instead of staring at the green for two minutes, how about hit the damn ball so it goes in the hole?  The Euros seem to have this figured out. What would help if these guys could…oh I don’t know, maybe make a putt every now and then.  And have a personality.  Most of you goobers are as exciting as a roll of paper towels.

Tiger: Military style training.  I run 8 miles a day in army boots.  Okay, so I couldn’t find the fairway with a map, but I’m in the greatest shape of my life (he rips off shirt and begins doing bodybuilder poses).

Jenkins: Tiger, watching you try to hit a driver is like watching me not make borderline racially inappropriate jokes about Sergio Garcia every time he pisses away a tournament.  Is for me, Sergio!  And now your putting has gone bad as well.  Insert thing about how Ben Hogan would dominate you.

Tiger: If you mention Ben Hogan two more times I get a free car wash.

Bishop: None of this is helping.

Palmer: These guys don’t care anymore.  They’re happy with their free courtesy cars and private planes.  Make ’em fly commercial and take a bus.

Mickelson: Remind me who started this whole private plane shit.  Hint- his name is Arnold Palmer.

Nicklaus: You tell ’em…which reminds me about the 1972 US Open…

Tiger: Oh shit…you’re going to summon it from the depths of Napa.

(Door opens and Johnny Miller walks in)

Miller: Did someone mention the 1973 US Open?  I shot a 63 there and won.

Bishop: You’re a year off…Seriously?  We’re talking about the Ryder Cup and you silly bastards go get Johnny Oakmont?  Do any of you actually have an attention span?

Miller: Seriously…am I the only one awed by that 63?  I can go through it hole by hole if you like.

Tiger: If you do I’m putting a gun in my mouth.

Mickelson: Whatever, did I mention Amy made me a cake for my birthday?  It was awesome. Anyway, Pelz and I have put together this 500-page report on how we can putt better.  If only I had done this before the PGA Championship this year.

Jenkins: Holy shit Phil…watching you miss that inevitable 8-footer is like watching TCU sorority girls stumble around drunk.  It stopped being funny a while ago and now it’s just pathetic.

Tiger: Can’t you just make golf commercials Phil?  You know Phil, you can grow that hair as long as you want but it won’t cover up that bald spot.

Phil: Whatever…anyway, Amanda and Sophia (opens wallet and pulls out photo) were talking with Amy, and we put together this 25-slide power point going over how they think that having a day of math and science and that Sophia would make a great captain.

Palmer: Why exactly am I here?

Bishop: To try to help us be better at the Ryder Cup and because people know your name.  I mentioned Webb Simpson earlier nobody knows who he is…and he won a US Open?  I mean, how hard could that be?

Mickelson: Eat shit and die.

Palmer: I’d suggest that they start to play practice rounds for real stakes…I mean shit that means something…not cash.  So it was 1965 and I was out on the tiles with Dean Martin and Joey Bishop, and we had a couple drinks…

Jenkins: Go on…

Palmer: Thanks. So anyway, we meet up with these cocktail waitresses and I ask them if they want to play leaky submarine.

Bishop: Please NOBODY LOOK THAT UP ON URBAN DICTIONARY.

Jenkins: Have I mentioned become better putters yet?

Palmer: My point, Mr. Fun Police, is that these guys are about as exciting as a pair of socks.  Oh, you clowns play ping pong?  Unless you mean beer pong before hanging out with an entire sorority.  Do you know what we used to do at Ryder Cups?  Hint- get drunk and screw girls!  Plus…they don’t care if they lose or not.  It’s not like they’re going to suffer any consequences or lose money as a result.

Tiger: You know, Freddie Couples always does a great job at the Presidents Cup.  He’s not a hard-ass and let’s face it, beating the International side isn’t exactly difficult.  And Freddie pretty much lets me do whatever…

Jenkins: So lose a lot then…

Fowler: I like Freddie as well.  He listens to our ideas and he offered me several great suggestions.

Phil: When I suggested to Freddie that he pair me and Keegan together he thought that was a great idea.

Nicklaus: Freddie sure seems like a nice fella, but don’t forget about my Presidents Cup wins either.

Palmer: Hey Jack, can you mention those 18 majors?  Pretty sure it’s been a day since you’ve done that.

Nicklaus: You’re not counting my US Amateur wins.

All: SHUT UP JACK!

Watson: So who’s our next captain?

Bishop: We need someone who will command the respect of the players and can inspire the team to victory.  Someone who can unite players of different backgrounds towards a common goal.  Someone who understands the global game of golf.

Miller: What about me?  It’s not like I’m doing anything right now.  Do you know what it’s like to hang out with Dan Hicks?  My social life becomes the equivalent of that dog commercial with the Sarah McLachlan song.  He spent 20 minutes talking about new socks.

All: NO!

Bishop: I’ve made my decision.  After careful thought I’m pleased to introduce the 2016 US Ryder Cup Captain and Assistant Captains.  We think that these men will give us the chance we need to get the cup back.  Gents?

US captain Ian Poulter, and assistant captains Rory McIlroy, and Justin Rose walk into the room.  There are audible gasps and two members of the panel jump out of the building.

Bishop: I’d say we just gave ourselves a fantastic chance of winning.

 

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