Once again, Sean McIdoe who runs the beyond-fantastic hockey website downgoesbrown.com and has written a fantastic book and if that’s not enough is a frequent contributor to Grantland has generously loaned his infamous “spies” to me as I try to uncover what happened at the super-secret PGA of America Task Force meeting.
Seriously, Sean’s a great writer and his book is hilarious. Buy his book. Hell, buy several copies.
Okay, enough plugging. Below are the meeting minutes. Present were PGA of America President Ted Bishop, Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Rickie Fowler and Tom Watson.
Ted Bishop (PGA of America President): Thanks, everyone for taking time out of their day to join me here in Orlando as we try to figure out how we can improve the US Ryder Cup team. We’ve lost 8 of the last 10 Ryder Cups, and frankly they’ve outplayed us. So I want to hear your ideas on what we can do so we can start winning again. Because if there’s one thing that golf fans agree on it’s middle-aged white guys chanting “USA” never gets old. It’s almost as great as the guys who yell “Baba Booey” or “GET IN THE HOLE MASHED POTATOES.” So who wants to start? Remember, you’re here to come up with ideas on how we can regain the Ryder Cup in 2016.
Arnold Palmer: Well if you idiots would stop listening to Jack, we’d be playing the Brits and the Irish and not the whole continent. But…no…you had to go invite the whole damn continent. And wow…thanks for letting me hear that “Ole Ole Ole” song. Every time I hear it I want to go drink gasoline.
Dan Jenkins: Can I make a comment about Sergio Garcia that’s mildly offensive or should I just talk about TCU football? Can I polish Ben Hogan’s statue a bit? Should I be using the Twitter and talk about Tiger and pool parties? People like that stuff. Or should I just mention “try putting better” like I did back in August.
Tiger Woods: TCU old man? That choke job last week at Baylor was worse that the 2012 choke we had at Medinah, amirite? You need Stanford guys running things like…what’s that old guy…?
(Jenkins whispering in Woods’ ear to remind him that Tom Watson went to Stanford)
Tiger: Well never mind then.
Watson: Thanks, pal.
Rickie Fowler: Go OSU Cowboys! I enjoy the Ryder Cup…it’s a great honor to represent my country. Now if you excuse me I’m getting on my motorcycle and do a couple wheelies in the parking lot.
Phil Mickelson: Well, the first problem is that we’re having this meeting in Orlando. Should I spend 20 minutes going over this power point presentation Bones and I made about why we should have it in Phoenix or San Diego? Should I mention I’ll have to leave between 11:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. to take Amy and my daughter to lunch at the Varsity in Atlanta? And if you look at the last five slides they’re art work made by my kids.
Jenkins: Seriously…do these guys know how to putt? Ben Hogan knew how to putt. So’d Lee Trevino. I need a drink.
Watson: Well, we practiced our putting for a couple hours…so there’s that.
Tiger: I know what you were missing…
Jenkins: Someone who can go 0-4 and not find the fairway with a map?
Jack Nicklaus: I can’t believe I haven’t spoken yet. I’d like to talk about this one time I played with Arnie back in 1971. We were both hungover as skunks and we teed off. Arnie hit a baby draw that ended up in the rough. I was in the fairway about 175 yards from the pin, and I hit a little fade with a 6-iron …Angelo thought it was a 7-iron but I knew that with the wind that it would be a six; so then Arnie hits this beautiful 4-wood from the rough to about 10 feet..he caught it a bit heavy but he got a good roll on it…
Palmer: Holy shit Jack…can’t you go design a golf course somewhere or go spend time with your grandkids? I’m old and going to die soon and honestly you talking about golf shots is nowhere near what I want to be hearing about when I go. You know what would hit the spot right now? An iced tea/lemonade combo. I’ve got a great name for it. Anway, so there were these two cheerleaders when I played at Wake Forest…wow. So the one’s a redhead and tells me about this trick she had involving ping pong balls…
Tiger: Go on…did she work at Perkins?
Jenkins: Are we doing Tiger dating Perkins waitress jokes? Because I have a few.
Phil: Sophia did a research project about the effective curve of Perkins waitress jokes. Can I show her analysis?
Bishop: NO. What do you guys think would help our players play better in Tournaments?
Fowler: Our captains have always tried their hardest. Can’t we just say that anyone who lives in the Orlando area is automatically ineligible to play for Europe? That would mean McDowell and Poulter couldn’t play…that would help, right? What about if we had more captain’s picks.
Watson: More captain’s picks would be helpful. I mean, how’d I get stuck with Webb Simpson? He’s a nice kid but how’d he qualify?
Bishop: Someone kill me…please.
Jenkins: Putting. Instead of staring at the green for two minutes, how about hit the damn ball so it goes in the hole? The Euros seem to have this figured out. What would help if these guys could…oh I don’t know, maybe make a putt every now and then. And have a personality. Most of you goobers are as exciting as a roll of paper towels.
Tiger: Military style training. I run 8 miles a day in army boots. Okay, so I couldn’t find the fairway with a map, but I’m in the greatest shape of my life (he rips off shirt and begins doing bodybuilder poses).
Jenkins: Tiger, watching you try to hit a driver is like watching me not make borderline racially inappropriate jokes about Sergio Garcia every time he pisses away a tournament. Is for me, Sergio! And now your putting has gone bad as well. Insert thing about how Ben Hogan would dominate you.
Tiger: If you mention Ben Hogan two more times I get a free car wash.
Bishop: None of this is helping.
Palmer: These guys don’t care anymore. They’re happy with their free courtesy cars and private planes. Make ’em fly commercial and take a bus.
Mickelson: Remind me who started this whole private plane shit. Hint- his name is Arnold Palmer.
Nicklaus: You tell ’em…which reminds me about the 1972 US Open…
Tiger: Oh shit…you’re going to summon it from the depths of Napa.
(Door opens and Johnny Miller walks in)
Miller: Did someone mention the 1973 US Open? I shot a 63 there and won.
Bishop: You’re a year off…Seriously? We’re talking about the Ryder Cup and you silly bastards go get Johnny Oakmont? Do any of you actually have an attention span?
Miller: Seriously…am I the only one awed by that 63? I can go through it hole by hole if you like.
Tiger: If you do I’m putting a gun in my mouth.
Mickelson: Whatever, did I mention Amy made me a cake for my birthday? It was awesome. Anyway, Pelz and I have put together this 500-page report on how we can putt better. If only I had done this before the PGA Championship this year.
Jenkins: Holy shit Phil…watching you miss that inevitable 8-footer is like watching TCU sorority girls stumble around drunk. It stopped being funny a while ago and now it’s just pathetic.
Tiger: Can’t you just make golf commercials Phil? You know Phil, you can grow that hair as long as you want but it won’t cover up that bald spot.
Phil: Whatever…anyway, Amanda and Sophia (opens wallet and pulls out photo) were talking with Amy, and we put together this 25-slide power point going over how they think that having a day of math and science and that Sophia would make a great captain.
Palmer: Why exactly am I here?
Bishop: To try to help us be better at the Ryder Cup and because people know your name. I mentioned Webb Simpson earlier nobody knows who he is…and he won a US Open? I mean, how hard could that be?
Mickelson: Eat shit and die.
Palmer: I’d suggest that they start to play practice rounds for real stakes…I mean shit that means something…not cash. So it was 1965 and I was out on the tiles with Dean Martin and Joey Bishop, and we had a couple drinks…
Jenkins: Go on…
Palmer: Thanks. So anyway, we meet up with these cocktail waitresses and I ask them if they want to play leaky submarine.
Bishop: Please NOBODY LOOK THAT UP ON URBAN DICTIONARY.
Jenkins: Have I mentioned become better putters yet?
Palmer: My point, Mr. Fun Police, is that these guys are about as exciting as a pair of socks. Oh, you clowns play ping pong? Unless you mean beer pong before hanging out with an entire sorority. Do you know what we used to do at Ryder Cups? Hint- get drunk and screw girls! Plus…they don’t care if they lose or not. It’s not like they’re going to suffer any consequences or lose money as a result.
Tiger: You know, Freddie Couples always does a great job at the Presidents Cup. He’s not a hard-ass and let’s face it, beating the International side isn’t exactly difficult. And Freddie pretty much lets me do whatever…
Jenkins: So lose a lot then…
Fowler: I like Freddie as well. He listens to our ideas and he offered me several great suggestions.
Phil: When I suggested to Freddie that he pair me and Keegan together he thought that was a great idea.
Nicklaus: Freddie sure seems like a nice fella, but don’t forget about my Presidents Cup wins either.
Palmer: Hey Jack, can you mention those 18 majors? Pretty sure it’s been a day since you’ve done that.
Nicklaus: You’re not counting my US Amateur wins.
All: SHUT UP JACK!
Watson: So who’s our next captain?
Bishop: We need someone who will command the respect of the players and can inspire the team to victory. Someone who can unite players of different backgrounds towards a common goal. Someone who understands the global game of golf.
Miller: What about me? It’s not like I’m doing anything right now. Do you know what it’s like to hang out with Dan Hicks? My social life becomes the equivalent of that dog commercial with the Sarah McLachlan song. He spent 20 minutes talking about new socks.
Bishop: I’ve made my decision. After careful thought I’m pleased to introduce the 2016 US Ryder Cup Captain and Assistant Captains. We think that these men will give us the chance we need to get the cup back. Gents?
US captain Ian Poulter, and assistant captains Rory McIlroy, and Justin Rose walk into the room. There are audible gasps and two members of the panel jump out of the building.
Bishop: I’d say we just gave ourselves a fantastic chance of winning.