With much of Golf Twitter having a school cafeteria food fight over the pissing match between Brandel Chamblee and Jason Dufner, we go live to their ongoing feud:
To borrow a phrase from the Brits, their feud is really the stuff of handbags at 10 paces. Either drop the mitts and settle it that way, or zip it. I thought so.
Of a more pressing nature is another installment of my multi-part series on old Golf Channel infomercials.
The 1990’s and early 2000’s were an interesting time for Golf (and Golf Channel). They didn’t have early-round PGA Tour rights, and hadn’t yet decided we needed to see Tin Cup, Bagger Vance, Caddyshack, and The Greatest Game Ever Played (at some point Michael Breed is going to break down the swings of Matt Damon and Shia LeBoeuf for the gong shows that they are). And when you’re on 24 hours a day, you need filler (didn’t have Feherty either). Which meant Infomercials, which I will watch because they’re never not accidentally hilarious. I’ve started a series of these here and here for your reading pleasure (along with my Magnum Opus here).
For those of you unaware, Brandel Chamblee isn’t just a talking head. He spent several years on the PGA Tour and won an event so the “he never played the game” tripe that some serve up at him is unfair (and if you think it’s easy to get on Tour please remove your head from your rectum). He also made an infomercial, and it’s something. So today, we pay tribute and break down The Quiet Feet infomercial. As always, my sincere thanks for the inspiration to my spirit animal Down Goes Brown. Let’s take a look, shall we?
0:13: The PowerPoint 1997 graphics are awesome. I’ve only sat through about 12,000 meetings that had PowerPoint 1997 decks. If I start having bad flashbacks, this is why.
0:17: Why hello there, Brandel. Double pleated slacks, a shirt that would fit me (so on him it’s only about 3 sizes too small) and a fantastic head of hair. Am I the only one that thinks he needs to grow a mustache?
0:28: WTH? Is this golf after hours or something?
0:45: Cross-branding with the folks at Golftec, and a teaching professional who probably has his own system and routine (my routine is a heavy diet of bourbon and painkillers which explains why I have a 10.4 index and nobody asks me for help on their golf swing).
1:10: If you were playing a casual round and some guy in your group put this thing on of their own free will, you’re questioning a lot of your decisions, right?
1:18: Hi Brandel! Looking good mate! You totally do not sound like you’re reading this off of cue cards. Not one iota. Nope.
1:42: Close-up time. I’m not saying he’s half in the bag, but if this were me I’d be completely in the bag by this point because these other two have the personality of a desk lamp.
2:22: Wardrobe change, and they’re outdoors now. We’re using kids as props for this thing? Really?
2:54: I’m picturing the cue card people getting blackout drunk. Look, if you needed this 50 Shades of Crap strap thing to make you a better teacher, maybe you’re the problem.
3:01: DVD Alert. With a user guide? Free, if I call now? Oh my god melt this down and inject it into my veins!
3:12: Tell me how to order. Tell me. TELL ME! An 800 number AND a website designed by Prodigy Internet? Take all of my money! I mean, look at this poor schmuck moving his feet around- if only he could keep his feet quiet, the world would be a better place!
3:37: This thing is $49.95 plus shipping and handling. They’re straps. You can buy this at Home Depot or Lowes for less than 20 bucks. But the DVD and the user guide! Far be it me to be critical of Brandel, but if you honestly think that not having this thing kept you from winning, please get help. I mean, just think how good Tiger might have been if he used this thing!
3:50: Oh, it comes in a waterproof detachable bag!
4:12: It comes in 3 junior sizes. How many kids got this for Christmas and never touched a club again?
4:21: If you saw someone using this at work, you’re going to HR pretty much immediately, right? I mean, this guy’s work internet browser history is going to be something; you can just tell.
4:53: Now they’re pimping Beaver Dam Falls (the course they’re at). Oh shit, Kenny Rogers designed the course! The same guy who wrote “The Gambler” and sang “Islands in the Stream” with Dolly Parton! The namesake for Kenny Rogers Roasters? Where is this place? I MUST KNOW NOW. I mean, when you can design a chicken restaurant AND a golf course, AND sing duets with Dolly Parton…that’s living the High Life.
SONG OF THE DAY:
Come on, was there any doubt on this? Turn this on full volume in your car and drive around with your windows open.