What a year it’s been in golf. Until things went completely sideways for me, I was set to make my personal goal of playing in every month of a calendar year (so I’ll have to settle for 10 months). Sergio won a major, Lexi got robbed of one through a call-in rules violation, Jordan Spieth won a crazy Open Championship, Justin Thomas won a major and the FedEx Cup, the US won the Presidents Cup, Lexi won the CME Race to the Globe, and there’s optimism of another comeback from Tiger Woods (he fired his coach last night so there’s that).
If it’s late December and close to Christmas, it’s time for my annual Single Golfer In Cart (SGIC) plays Santa day! Unfortunately I can’t claim it has the cult following of Drew Magary’s annual Haters Guide To The Williams Sonoma Catalog.
After having given this much thought (a few glasses of whiskey), I’ve put on my Santa costume while Santa is delivering presents to good boys and girls and have decided to grant some wishes throughout the world of golf (a mix of local folks in the DMV and on the pro tours). These gifts aren’t returnable, by the way. Suck it up.
For Jason Day you’re getting a copy of “Pace of Play and You” which I’d politely suggest you put to use. I know you’ve had a rough year but you make early 2000’s Sergio Garcia look fast.
For Golf Channel, Santa is giving you the rights to air “Dead Solid Perfect” which remains the finest golf movie ever made. Every time I have to see Matt Damon or Shia Leboeuf swing a golf club I fear for my own swing. And seriously, can you air these films unedited? You’re a cable channel so you’re not under some FCC bullshit decency coda. Please.
Lake Presidential Golf Club, you’re getting improved playing conditions. I know you made some improvements but some trusted spies say it’s still not great. Earn that top-10 “best you can play’ ranking Golfweek keeps giving you.
Phil Mickelson, Santa has decided to give you that US Open win you keep asking for as long as you agree to go immediately into the booth when you finish playing and agree to be the same candid self you are now.
Golfweek Magazine, I’m getting you a new crop of raters. Your “best you can play” lists are fairly stagnant. Also, start showing actual reviews and speak to the methodology.
Worthington Manor Golf Course, Santa is giving you intermediate rough. Use it. You’re a great track, but seriously- embrace intermediate rough.
The LPGA was very good this year so you’re getting a few things. Santa is getting you your own video game. Also, some of your tournaments are getting new formats (a 6-hole event, a 2-player team event, a Stableford event, and a match play event or two). Lastly, you’re getting a partnership with Top Golf to help get young people exposed to your products.
Timbers at Troy golf course, Santa is giving you improved drainage. Your course still drains at the rate an 85-year old man pees. The new bunkers look great. Do something about the drainage. I’ve played there on dry mornings when we haven’t had rain for 2 weeks and it’ll still be squishy fairways. Or stop overwatering. Seriously. Do something about it.
The PGA Tour is getting a map of the DMV from Santa. You’ll notice Virginia, DC and Maryland. Look at the population, average income, and ask yourselves why you insist on jobbing this area as often as you do. I mean, the LPGA doesn’t get closer than Williamsburg or Atlantic City. The area event has constantly been plagued by a litany of issues, and yet every year people show up in large numbers.
The Guys Who Call In To Report Rules Violations are getting a lump of coal, a beating with a bag of hammers and a kick in the groin. Stop it. You’re not a rules official, so just stick to watching.
Brandel Chamblee is getting his own “hot talk” or talking head show from Santa. First guest is Jason Duffner. I don’t mind Brandel being a bit of a bomb thrower; it’s better than everyone unafraid to have a controversial opinion.
The USGA and the R&A are both getting pocket dictionaries from Santa. If you turn to the page I’ve flagged, please read the definition for the word Bifurcation. Study it. Memorize it. Live it. Roll back the ball for the US Open and Open Championship. The women don’t need this, nor do 99% of golfers. And while you’re doing that, we’re getting rid of the OB rule for us mortals. Play it as a lateral hazard. No more walking back and hitting 3 from the tee.
Last, and certainly not least, Santa is giving local courses a short winter, a good growing season, and a 2018 playing season that runs into December. And for all of the marshals, teaching professionals, superintendents and their staffs, Santa wishes all of you a very Merry Christmas (or the holiday of your choosing) and a prosperous 2018.
SONG OF THE DAY
The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame continues to ignore some highly influential bands and everything that came out of the 80’s New Wave era. Duran Duran, The Cure, The Smiths, New Order, and Depeche Mode hold up incredibly well. Three decades later you still have kids ‘discovering’ this music. At some point they’re going to run out of mediocre old white dude bands and start to induct the New Wave era bands. Now would be an ideal time.