Tag: infomercials

The Oscar For Greatest Golf Infomercial Is Right Here

As you know, I love infomercials.  Golf infomercials are even better.  I thought I had seen true excellence.  While the Golflogix GPS, Perfect Club, and the Brandel Chamblee Quiet Feet ones were all very good, they have been one-upped.  It takes a special kind of spectacle to outperform the Perfect Club, but folks, we have a winner here.

First off, I have to thank Ryan David at RD Golf Media for bringing this to my attention.  You can never predict when you’re going to see greatness.  Tiger Woods at the 1997 Masters.  Auston Matthews scoring 4 goals in his NHL Debut in 2016.  Korean barbecue at 2:00 a.m.  The first time my lips were met with the golden nectar of the gods that is single malt Scotch Whisky.  And now, for your consideration, I give you Royal Lifestyle Golf Clubs.

Let’s watch this together, shall we?

0:02: White pants, un-tucked red shirt.  Okay, I’m in.  The pseudo-British accent at Peter Alliss depth tells you it’s working.  And it’s classy.  It’s the new ‘it’s made in Germany- they make great stuff’ line.

0:08: He goes full Men In Blazers ‘The Tingling’ with a ‘WOW!’  It ‘almost’ makes you want to touch your own nipples. Almost.

I get it. It makes me want to touch my nipples too, Rog.

0:16: Note to the ‘Elvis is Still Alive’ folks.  All is forgiven. Mine eyes have seen the light. If that gold medallion could talk, oh the stories it would tell.

0:24: Powered by the Japanese Pachinko Ball!  It’s a metal ball!  But Japanese!  Magic!  Outta my way, I must have All Of The Pachinko Balls!

0:31: If you’re saying to yourself “umm, the production values are really something” we’re just getting started.  That weave on his head is spectacular, and it’s real muskrat.  Maybe.

0:40: The Royal Lifestyle, and we manufacture The Jumano Line.  Made by Vandalay Industries!

1:04: Hey, this guy’s an engineer by trade!  He should mention that again.  Is it me, or has this guy had a few pops?

1:17: Powered by the Japanese Pachinko Ball!  More oomph!

1:27: It took him 3 years to design this wonderful set of clubs.  Noted.

1:50: I’m an engineer!  Oh, and if someone tells you they’re “probably close to a 0 handicap” you know that you’re on Bullshit Mountain.

2:08: I can think of a few other things that exceed your imagination. But go on…

2:31: “It’s all a bunch of stuff” isn’t the argument we need, but it’s what we deserve and what we’re getting here. If Taylormade or Titleist put out a new line of clubs and said “The Taylormade M10…it’s all a bunch of stuff!” I’d totally buy it.  I’d walk in, take out my wallet and say ‘Gimme that M10 and just take my money’ and I’d have company.

2:34: Brain-warshing?  Oh shit, we’re going full Golf Chemtrails here!

2:44: Reminder…he’s an engineer.  Do you think he likes trains in an unhealthy way?  Just asking.

3:11: Seriously, the production values and the awkward zooming in are straight-up Public Access TV greatness.

3:44: This rationale is some next-level bullshit, but man he’s owning it.

4:00: This guy made engineering calculations, and he went through computers.  Can we stop for a minute and try to imagine the glory and majesty that this guy’s Facebook profile must look like?

4:15: He went in China.  His words.  I can’t even…which apparently, is comprised of boats on rivers.

4:32: Clubheads and shafts are two different things, but really, that’s what they WANT you to believe.

4:40: I was there four…three…hours a day for four hours at a time.  Yup, this totally sounds believable.  Standing there…sitting there…watching.  Would you like to see pictures of his girlfriend from Canada?

5:22: Describing computer testing…my god.  He’s really going all in on this ‘large head is bad’ thing.  So by transitive properties, giving pros tiny heads would…increase distance?  That’s why all the manufacturers keep making smaller heads for the pros.  Got it.

5:50: More Oscar-caliber camera work.  Is the 14-year old that’s doing this on meth or something?  His ‘there’s no spring action’ comments, it must be noted, are pure malarkey.  But keep going.

6:35: I’m not saying he’s making it up as he goes along, I’m saying he’s TOTALLY making it up.  He’s going all in on this. I mean, he’s completely full of it, but he’s committing to the bit.

6:40: What exactly does hitting it with the same integrity mean?

6:57: 110 mph of clubhead speed is approaching tour level.  Just saying.

7:02: Pachinko Ball!!!  More Power! More oomph!

7:08: More Oscar-level editing.  Hot.  Hot I tells ya!

7:38: No sir, YOU are a gift from the gods.  Your entire essence.  Keep going!

7:55: I don’t know who exactly he’s talking to, but can I take ‘Voices in His Head’ for $1000?

8:59: Hermongous?  WTF is that?  Are the drugs wearing off?

9:45: Whack!  Wait…earlier he said you can’t compress the ball, now you can?  I’m confused.

10:04: I’m an engineer and probably a 1, 2 handicap.  Well which one is it?  My handicap card doesn’t say “I’m about a..” it has my index.  An exact number.

10:24: They want to hit it farther and don’t care how straight it is?  Put. The. Crack. Pipe. Down.

10:55: More talk about how a small head is okay.  Compensating much?

11:12: Pachinko Ball!  More oomph!

11:18: Finally, how can I order this flaming pile of crap?  A number AND a website?  Whee I’m hot today!

11:25: The driver is filled with foam and cork?  Sweet holy mother…someone better alert Club Pro Guy!  He’d totally dominate that Mexico mini-Tour!

11:30: Oomph!  Give me all of the oomph!  Someone appears to have dyed their hair a bit darker.

11:38: Two things.  One, he casually drops that he’s making a movie.  Yes, and it’s spectacular.  And two, his other driver is called ‘The Wow Effect’ which is so terrible it’s great.

11:52: TURN AWAY. NOW.  MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP.

12:07: Our host John Jumano has put on the Al Czervik suit.  Baby blue…oh yeah.  Now it’s a sub-commercial for car dealers.  Yeah, give me that 1988 Yugo but you better include those clubs!  The wedges have dots and grooves and I’m pretty sure the putter is an Ol’ Billy Baroo.  I mean, are you gonna trust some guy like Bob Vokey or the marketing machine that is John Jumano?

12:50: More top-notch editing and fading.

12:55: And now, back to old men who own sports cars.  Foam filled cork.  Just let it wash over you.

14:00: “I love you baby” and yes, he kisses it.  12/10 level creepy.

14:31: A movie he’s producing, it’s called Titanic Johnson.

The man has his own cologne. Don Draper couldn’t have done better.  Stare at it…let it wash over you.

Oh, but wait, there’s more.  Yes, there’s a movie trailer.  If you don’t watch the entire 7 minutes of brilliance you are missing out.

You’re welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where I Break Down the GolfLogix GPS Infomercial

The latest in 2009 technology Infomercials with 100% less Peter Kessler!

The latest in 2009 technology Infomercials with 100% less Peter Kessler!

Maybe it’s just me, but I will watch infomercials.  I won’t buy anything but let’s be honest, the whole idea of them is a bit hilarious.  Golf infomercials are just as hokey as anything out there.  Previously I reviewed the infomercial for The Perfect Club, which is, in my opinion, the apex of Peter Kessler’s career.  But hearing that Nike will no longer make clubs, balls or bags got me a bit nostalgic for some of these inventions (I know I’m linking to Golf Digest and I do so knowing what a complete gong show their website is in terms of navigation).  I suggested on Twitter that if Tiger Woods is going to no longer use Nike clubs, maybe he should use an Alien wedge and a Perfect Club.  Who knows, if he has the chipping yips maybe it can help him.

In any event, before we had wearable GPS devices and they weren’t a fairly common device to carry, GPS devices were rare (I remember the first time I played with a guy who had a Sky Caddie and thought we’d never improve upon that).  But even before that, we had the GolfLogix GPS Infomercial on what seemed like an endless loop on Golf Channel.  Behold:

Let’s watch this in all of its SD glory, shall we?

0:02: That didn’t take long.  If you look at a 150 yard plate and are confused about what club to hit, maybe we need to have a chat.  Guy in a cart with 2 bags with no passenger.  This will never end well; kind of screams out “who likes slow play…THIS GUY!”

0:08: I like Gary McCord but for the love of everything, can someone tell him that the landing strip below his lip is…disturbing?  Why is this a thing?  I don’t mind his duster, but the landing strip…holy crap.  Kind of makes you want Peter Kessler, doesn’t it?

0:16: I’ll say this for the GolfLogix GPS; it’s not that big.  No bigger than a modern sky caddie or the Bushnell range-finder I use.

0:44: Garmin, a world leader in GPS.  Admit it- you wanted him to say “it’s made in Germany- they make great stuff over there!”  Oh, and nobody is walking an Arizona resort course that’s target golf, and the guy who is walking wouldn’t be seen with that fancy technology.  He’ll step it off himself.  Oh, and that guy who’s walking?  You can bet cash he’ll have a ball retriever.  Possibly two.

0:52: Practically bullet-proof?  What exactly does that mean?  Is that like practically bikini-waxed?  Too soon…I know.

0:55: It took 54 seconds before we know Peter Kostis is in this thing?  Let’s just say that the fact he’s reading cue cards is about as obvious as it is he’s wearing a blue shirt.  I like Kostis (he’s one of the few good things about a CBS golf crew that needs a major overhaul), and his swing analysis is always bang-on but wow…to borrow a slogan, buy a stamp and mail it in!

1:20: Audio cut out briefly.  You didn’t miss much.

1:25: More confidence AND more fun?  If I see two bathtubs rolling out I’m stopping this.  Just saying.  Not judging but that kind of gets out of my purview.

1:38: Those swings they’re showing are all kinds of ugly.  These people don’t need a GPS.  They need lessons.

1:57: No pressing buttons or pressing through complicated screens?  Far be it me to speculate but the Venn diagram of people this was geared for and the people who own a Jitterbug phone are two circles on top of each other…right?

2:09: It knows where you are on every hole…showing a guy near a hazard.  So does it say “hey goober, might we try to find the fairway at some point today?” because that would be funny.

2:12: It will speed up your round?  Really?  If somebody hands one to Jason Day and tell him “hey, this will speed up your round” I will pay you cash.  The fact that he named his kid Dash and his pace of pay is glacial is him trolling us, right?  Seriously, Jason- if you’re reading this…let’s pick up the pace a bit.

2:40: The part where Kostis and McCord are talking like regular guys about “how we need to get more people playing the game” but wait- I didn’t think anyone cared about growing the game?   A GPS isn’t going to help you find your ball if you hit it into waste areas.  Just saying.  And now we have a montage of people looking for their ball.  Crazy idea- play your next shot and then help the guy look for his ball.

3:15: Yes, the USGA has approved DMD’s (distance measuring devices) but I’ll still get at least one idiot a month who will see me use mine and tell me it’s cheating.

3:17: Which one should you pick?  Ooh…I know!  The GolfLogix GPS!  Let’s see if I’m right!

3:25: Yup, old people can’t use lasers….or use the computer unless they’re screaming about kids on the internet.

3:43: Hot damn!  They picked the GolfLogix Golf GPS!  Damn, I’m good!  And hey- it’s powered by Garmin.  Garmin!  I’m just going to assume that Gary McCord’s safe word is Powered by Garmin.  It probably is, but who knows for sure?

4:02: The numbers change while I walk…I can only imagine how explaining him how the sun and moon work must have gone.

4:18: Yes, distances to front/middle/back.  FYI, the Sky Caddie does the same thing if you were wondering.  I almost bought one several years ago but went with the laser range-finder.

4:35: If you’re a regular player and see 258, three words: JUST HIT IT.  You don’t have that shot.  Or this guide from a sprinkler head with a sense of humour:

Just hit it.  Follow instructions.

Just hit it. Follow instructions.

4:42: That was an awkward transition; now they’re wearing different clothes (it’s called continuity, people) and Kostis is talking about pushing a little button.  Nope.  Not gonna go there.

4:50: Yes, it’ll show you the distance of your last shot.  When I caddied I did that as well once, telling this old geezer who asked me how far he was to the green “you hit your tee shot 120 yards; you’ve got 320 to the front, 335 to the pin 350 to the back” being serious about wondering if he could reach the green (yes, in probably 2-3 more shots).  This was in the mid 1980’s when persimmon woods were still common.  So from 320 to the front he thought he could reach the green with a 3-wood.  So no, slow play didn’t start because of Tiger Woods.

5:20: Kostis is sending McCord out on a mission.  Is he coming back with breakfast?  Maybe some beer?   I’m hoping that McCord is looking for his former comedic foil, David Feherty.  At the risk of having a hot take or blowing up golf twitter, Feherty’s interview show is really in need of something new.  For starters, he needs to ask better questions and quit fawning over the people he interviews.  Second…he’s falling victim on NBC/Golf Channel of being unable to tell me, the viewer, something I don’t know.  He was a former professional who won on the European Tour and played in a Ryder Cup.  Enough of the same tired jokes.  Mix humour with actual information and quit fawning over the players.  It’s okay to be critical; tell us why!

5:33: He’s in he right rough.  It’s okay.  Put the milk cartons down, everyone.  I’m going to say this again.  Gary, you seem a swell guy, but I’m begging you- shave that goddamn landing strip off your face.  Leave the Rollie Fingers duster if you want.  Let’s be honest, a GPS is not a secret weapon.  We call that a foot wedge.  He’s 142 to the center, folks and naturally he knocks it stiff.  How is it that when he hit the shot it was sunny and clear and when it landed it was overcast?  In film they call that “continuity” problems.

6:02: “Thanks, Gary” is Kostis’ safe word.  I’m serious.  Now we get to the “Gary McCord is so dumb (HOW DUMB IS HE?)” part of the show.  And if you haven’t been watching, ABC’s remake of the original Match Game has been genius.  Alec Baldwin as host is…how do I put this…is an inspired choice?  As in, he’s good at it?  If you’re asking, of course they brought back the Gene Rayburn long skinny microphone.  I’m just going to say that having people drink while playing…works.  The Canadian reboot has Sean Cullen and Debra DiGiovanni (both are hilarious but criminally under-used).

6:22: Another badly-edited transition and with McCord off huffing glue (allegedly), Kostis is now giving the sell.  I mean, if you can turn it on, you can use it!  He didn’t say what you could use it for (I mean, could I use it to kill a bug?), but I’m going to go with the idea that the intended use would be getting distances.

6:37: More ugly swings from regular golfers…that GPS device won’t help someone who’s in the Charles Barkley arena of ugly swings.

6:53: Didn’t know GolfLabs were the leader in independent testing…okay.  While we’re talking about improving pace of play, why is it that I see 4 guys playing and only 1 ball?  Hint- whoever is next should be ready to go.

7:23: Look, 7 minutes over 9 holes isn’t bad, but continuous putting, playing ready golf, and playing from the appropriate set of tees will cut even more time.  We also don’t know what the normal difference between the front and back 9 times are.  I’ve played with guys who, if you give them the number they still look completely befuddled.  Or they’ll ask me what they should hit.  This is why I drink.

7:45: I’m not Nate Silver but 16 golfers on an Arizona course is not exactly what I would call a significant sample size.  But go on…

8:25: Is adding and subtracting that hard?  IF you’re a legit 8 handicap and you can’t figure out basic yardages, that handicap is the equivalent of a lot of Botox treatment.  It’s called vanity.  I’m calling malarkey on that guy’s 8 handicap index unless he putts as well as touring professionals.

Look, if you don’t have a rangefinder or a GPS it’s not a bad investment assuming you know how far you hit each club (and are honest about it).  There are smartphone applications that can assist (the free ones are uniformly bad) as well.