As you know, I love infomercials. Golf infomercials are even better. I thought I had seen true excellence. While the Golflogix GPS, Perfect Club, and the Brandel Chamblee Quiet Feet ones were all very good, they have been one-upped. It takes a special kind of spectacle to outperform the Perfect Club, but folks, we have a winner here.
First off, I have to thank Ryan David at RD Golf Media for bringing this to my attention. You can never predict when you’re going to see greatness. Tiger Woods at the 1997 Masters. Auston Matthews scoring 4 goals in his NHL Debut in 2016. Korean barbecue at 2:00 a.m. The first time my lips were met with the golden nectar of the gods that is single malt Scotch Whisky. And now, for your consideration, I give you Royal Lifestyle Golf Clubs.
Let’s watch this together, shall we?
0:02: White pants, un-tucked red shirt. Okay, I’m in. The pseudo-British accent at Peter Alliss depth tells you it’s working. And it’s classy. It’s the new ‘it’s made in Germany- they make great stuff’ line.
0:08: He goes full Men In Blazers ‘The Tingling’ with a ‘WOW!’ It ‘almost’ makes you want to touch your own nipples. Almost.
0:16: Note to the ‘Elvis is Still Alive’ folks. All is forgiven. Mine eyes have seen the light. If that gold medallion could talk, oh the stories it would tell.
0:24: Powered by the Japanese Pachinko Ball! It’s a metal ball! But Japanese! Magic! Outta my way, I must have All Of The Pachinko Balls!
0:31: If you’re saying to yourself “umm, the production values are really something” we’re just getting started. That weave on his head is spectacular, and it’s real muskrat. Maybe.
0:40: The Royal Lifestyle, and we manufacture The Jumano Line. Made by Vandalay Industries!
1:04: Hey, this guy’s an engineer by trade! He should mention that again. Is it me, or has this guy had a few pops?
1:17: Powered by the Japanese Pachinko Ball! More oomph!
1:27: It took him 3 years to design this wonderful set of clubs. Noted.
1:50: I’m an engineer! Oh, and if someone tells you they’re “probably close to a 0 handicap” you know that you’re on Bullshit Mountain.
2:08: I can think of a few other things that exceed your imagination. But go on…
2:31: “It’s all a bunch of stuff” isn’t the argument we need, but it’s what we deserve and what we’re getting here. If Taylormade or Titleist put out a new line of clubs and said “The Taylormade M10…it’s all a bunch of stuff!” I’d totally buy it. I’d walk in, take out my wallet and say ‘Gimme that M10 and just take my money’ and I’d have company.
2:34: Brain-warshing? Oh shit, we’re going full Golf Chemtrails here!
2:44: Reminder…he’s an engineer. Do you think he likes trains in an unhealthy way? Just asking.
3:11: Seriously, the production values and the awkward zooming in are straight-up Public Access TV greatness.
3:44: This rationale is some next-level bullshit, but man he’s owning it.
4:00: This guy made engineering calculations, and he went through computers. Can we stop for a minute and try to imagine the glory and majesty that this guy’s Facebook profile must look like?
4:15: He went in China. His words. I can’t even…which apparently, is comprised of boats on rivers.
4:32: Clubheads and shafts are two different things, but really, that’s what they WANT you to believe.
4:40: I was there four…three…hours a day for four hours at a time. Yup, this totally sounds believable. Standing there…sitting there…watching. Would you like to see pictures of his girlfriend from Canada?
5:22: Describing computer testing…my god. He’s really going all in on this ‘large head is bad’ thing. So by transitive properties, giving pros tiny heads would…increase distance? That’s why all the manufacturers keep making smaller heads for the pros. Got it.
5:50: More Oscar-caliber camera work. Is the 14-year old that’s doing this on meth or something? His ‘there’s no spring action’ comments, it must be noted, are pure malarkey. But keep going.
6:35: I’m not saying he’s making it up as he goes along, I’m saying he’s TOTALLY making it up. He’s going all in on this. I mean, he’s completely full of it, but he’s committing to the bit.
6:40: What exactly does hitting it with the same integrity mean?
6:57: 110 mph of clubhead speed is approaching tour level. Just saying.
7:02: Pachinko Ball!!! More Power! More oomph!
7:08: More Oscar-level editing. Hot. Hot I tells ya!
7:38: No sir, YOU are a gift from the gods. Your entire essence. Keep going!
7:55: I don’t know who exactly he’s talking to, but can I take ‘Voices in His Head’ for $1000?
8:59: Hermongous? WTF is that? Are the drugs wearing off?
9:45: Whack! Wait…earlier he said you can’t compress the ball, now you can? I’m confused.
10:04: I’m an engineer and probably a 1, 2 handicap. Well which one is it? My handicap card doesn’t say “I’m about a..” it has my index. An exact number.
10:24: They want to hit it farther and don’t care how straight it is? Put. The. Crack. Pipe. Down.
10:55: More talk about how a small head is okay. Compensating much?
11:12: Pachinko Ball! More oomph!
11:18: Finally, how can I order this flaming pile of crap? A number AND a website? Whee I’m hot today!
11:25: The driver is filled with foam and cork? Sweet holy mother…someone better alert Club Pro Guy! He’d totally dominate that Mexico mini-Tour!
11:30: Oomph! Give me all of the oomph! Someone appears to have dyed their hair a bit darker.
11:38: Two things. One, he casually drops that he’s making a movie. Yes, and it’s spectacular. And two, his other driver is called ‘The Wow Effect’ which is so terrible it’s great.
11:52: TURN AWAY. NOW. MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP.
12:07: Our host John Jumano has put on the Al Czervik suit. Baby blue…oh yeah. Now it’s a sub-commercial for car dealers. Yeah, give me that 1988 Yugo but you better include those clubs! The wedges have dots and grooves and I’m pretty sure the putter is an Ol’ Billy Baroo. I mean, are you gonna trust some guy like Bob Vokey or the marketing machine that is John Jumano?
12:50: More top-notch editing and fading.
12:55: And now, back to old men who own sports cars. Foam filled cork. Just let it wash over you.
14:00: “I love you baby” and yes, he kisses it. 12/10 level creepy.
14:31: A movie he’s producing, it’s called Titanic Johnson.
The man has his own cologne. Don Draper couldn’t have done better. Stare at it…let it wash over you.
Oh, but wait, there’s more. Yes, there’s a movie trailer. If you don’t watch the entire 7 minutes of brilliance you are missing out.