Hello, friends.

Well, it’s December 2020 and as I’m writing this, the final round of the US Women’s Open is getting started.  Let that sink in for a moment.  A Monday finish for a tournament that was originally scheduled for June that was moved to December is a pretty good indicator of what 2020 was like.

I’m not wearing a mask (hey, another hot take) because I’m at home by myself (the dog doesn’t count) but I’ve got masks in my car and one in my golf bag.  Another item in the ‘things that became a thing in 2020’ column.  So golf was pretty messed up once COVID showed up.  They stopped the Players Championship after one round (and a Chainsmokers concert that became a super-spreader event), took a 3-month hiatus, canceled the Open championship, moved the USPGA from May to August, the US Open from June to September, and the Masters from April to November.  The Ryder Cup got canceled and rescheduled for 2021.  The women moved the ANA Inspiration from early April to September (Palm Springs in late summer…AWESOME) and the US Open from June to December.

Oh, and no fans at tournaments like nearly every other sport in the US.  On the one hand, last month’s Masters were devoid of the roars that make it so great.  On the other hand, Trevor and Brock weren’t screaming “MASHED POTATOES” every nine minutes after that second Michelob Ultra, so all in all it’s a win.

FOX bailed on the USGA package because they didn’t want to give up a Sunday of NFL games in September, so welcome back NBC, Golf Channel and (sound of me vomiting) Peacock (NBC’s ‘let’s put all the shit you dirt eaters love on a premium streaming site that sucks ass).  Overall this is a win for golf fans especially since Shane Bacon has joined Golf Channel (he was the best thing on FOX by a mile).  I have to admit I’m looking forward to NBC putting the Super Bowl on Peacock in a couple years just out of sheer spite while NBC shows a dog show.  But if there’s one positive to the USGA package reverting back to NBC, it’s that we now get that Yanni song playing eighty bazillion times per day.

However, despite all of the upheaval, there is one constant.  If it’s early December, it means Golf Digest put out another holiday gift guide, presumably because they had little else to do.  They also have a ‘for the golfer who has everything‘ version, which makes zero sense because if they had everything they wouldn’t need this sponsored crap.  But, we digress.  To make this easier on both of us, I’m not including pictures of the products.  You’re not buying any of this shit, and neither am I.  So let’s get started.

UNDER ARMOUR MEN’S UA STORM EVOLUTION DAYTONA FULL ZIP

Price: $100

They say: This water-repellent jacket is engineered to adapt to changing temperatures to retain heat in the cold and release heat when the body needs to cool off. The bomber jacket design is on-trend and ultra-breathable for a comfortable fit either layered or as a simple shell.

SGIC says: To borrow from a popular saying, I think it’s time we just admit that Everything Under Armour Touches Dies.  You have college teams running from their sponsorship deals.  They tried and lost out on deals to outfit NHL and MLB teams as the official uniform supplier.  Their stock is in the toilet.  And they hitched their golf fortunes to Jordan Spieth, which looked genius in 2015 but now looks like a terrible idea.  This jacket looks perfect for suburban dads who don’t play golf.  Coming to a kids soccer game near you while dad makes sure everyone has gluten-free oranges for halftime.

SONY WH100MXM3 BLUETOOTH HEADPHONES

Price: $280

They say: Home or away, these ultra-powerful headphones are a saving grace. The noise-cancelling technology is designed to adapt to the sound where you are, so the volume will turn up or down depending on the ambient sound sensed by the headphones. A built-in mic allows for hands-free phone calls, and touch functionality allows you to control the music. The headphones’ “quick attention mode” allows you to cover the right ear to turn down the music for a moment for quick interruptions or conversations. The battery life lasts up to 30 hours.

SGIC says: Every year they put at least one pair of overpriced headphones in their guide and I don’t know why.  You’re not wearing these on the golf course.  I guess they’re great to avoid hearing your kids yell and scream while you enjoy an Adderall smoothie for breakfast.  I’ve never seen someone play wearing these things.  I know this seems crazy, but you could actually engage your playing partners in friendly banter while playing.  Wearing these on a Zoom meeting just makes you look ridiculous.  It won’t hurt.

BULLEIT BOURBON YETI OUTDOOR PACK

Price: $72

They say: The pack comes with one 740mL* bottle of Bulleit Bourbon Kentucky Straight Whiskey, one 375 mL bottle of Bulleit 95 Rye Whiskey, and one 10 oz. Bulleit Branded YETI Rambler to regulate the temperature of your drink—either warm or cold.

SGIC says: The bottle of Bulleit is 750ml*, not 740ml and can be found for $25 at most liquor stores.  Do the math.  You’re getting hosed on this deal.  Having said that, Bulleit is actually decent bourbon for the price (if you’re asking, you can include Buffalo Trace as well).  I’m not advocating you use an adult sippy cup for day drinking, but if you’re going to day drink, go all in and use the giant size ones.  Drink responsibly, kids.

TED BAKER WATPP WATER BOTTLE

Price: $42

They say: This fun, leaf-covered water bottle offers a fun way to stay hydrated throughout the day. The hexagonal top is not only stylish, but it’s easier to open up. If green isn’t your color, the menswear brand has a handful of other color options with the same sophisticated silhouette.

SGIC says: I know that when I’m choosing to survive rather than die from lack of water, it had better be FUN.  Because drinking water should be FUN.  Which means I’ve been doing it all wrong my entire life!  I just drank water because I was thirsty but it was never FUN.  Seriously, $42 for a goddamn water bottle?  I can buy a dozen PROV1X’s for that right now.  Which, if you’re curious, might be a better option for someone who plays golf.  And more FUN.  Whose mouth is shaped like a hexagon?  Mine is oval, so’s yours.

LACOSTE OVAL METAL NOVAK DJOKOVIC COLLECTION SUNGLASSES

Price: $219

They say: While not a golfer, Novak Djokovic’s Capsule Collection will certainly appeal to stylish golfers. The oval shape is flattering to almost any face, while a metal double bridge and acetate rim add a uniquely upscale look and feel. It’s a lightweight pair of shades that can be worn almost anywhere

SGIC says: $200+ for sunglasses that look like they’re from the Joe Biden aviators collection.  Best worn for when you want to throw a temper tantrum at the US Open and get defaulted after telling people COVID is fake and then getting it.  They look like the sunglasses Guy Who Owns a Boat wears at the yacht club.  Ideally matched with a quarter zip sweater worn or tied over his popped collar polo shirt.  Get a 10% discount if your name is Todd.

SWINGJUICE FORE LONE SLEEVE SWEATSHIRT UGLY SWEATER

Price: $45 and whatever shroud of dignity you had left.

They say: Get in the holiday spirit with this golf sweatshirt inspired by the ugly Christmas sweater trend. The super-soft cotton crewneck is warm but has a lightweight feel, making it easy to layer with. The festive design paired with the affordable price point make this a worthy gift for the golfer on your list—even if that golfer is you.

SGIC says: To quote Al Czervik, this looks like the kind of sweater that should come with a free bowl of soup (to spill on this abomination), or at the very least some iron covers and maybe a ball retriever.   Dark green with FORE written in giant letters on the chest.  Gimme two of these (one to shit on, the other to cover it up with).  I mean, if you wear this do people think you’re special in the ‘good for you, you cut your meat’ kind of way?  And can we please pump the brakes on ugly sweaters?  It’s been five-plus years for this fad.  Oh, and if you ever see me wearing this monstrosity, you can safely assume I’ve been concussed and/or taken hostage.

TRUE LINKSWEAR SHOE BAG

Price: $45

They say: Even if you’re not a shoe bag kind of golfer, this bag from True Linkswear will come in handy. In addition to a place to put your golf shoes, it has a valuables pouch, tablet sleeve and organized compartments inside the water-resistant zip bag. For organized and disheveled golfers alike, it’s an effective way to keep everything you need tidy and together.

SGIC says: This isn’t terrible.  I keep my golf shoes in a cinch sack (the kind with the straps so you can wear it like a backpack) and I’m happy with my cinch sack.  But for someone else, this isn’t a bad gift option.  Less than $50, and it’s useful.  Unlike other options they’ve ‘selected’.  Having said that, a tablet sleeve?  Really?  Who takes their iPad with them when they play?

SONOS MOVE PORTABLE BLUETOOTH SPEAKER

Price: $399

They say: Whether providing the tunes on the course or entertaining at home, this powerful Bluetooth speaker is virtually indestructible—and it sounds great. The shock-resistant case will survive any drops or bumps, and it’s built to survive extreme temperatures and any inclement weather. The charging base is simple to connect to and powers the speaker as it’s in use. It’s a strong gift idea for the golfer who values quality-sounding music—and also needs a portable speaker built with some forgiving qualities.

SGIC says: $400 for a speaker?  We’re in a full-blown economic crisis but yeah, the average golfer is throwing down four c-notes on a speaker.  You could buy a new disco stick (i.e. driver), or this thing.  I bought She Who Is Really In Charge a Bluetooth speaker for $120 a few years ago, and it gets a heavy workout when we’re out on the deck enjoying cocktails with the dog (and it has fantastic sound).  Of course, the assholes who buy this are taking it with them on the course, because they’re the exact people who want to share their awful taste in music with everyone else.

ALFRED GIRAUD FRENCH MALT WHISKY HERITAGE BY ALFRED GIRAUD

Price: $155

They say: Give the whisky drinker in your life something new to try with this limited-production French malt. For a personalized touch you can add custom engraving for $40 to make this gift a true memento.

SGIC says: So for $195 you can get the boss a bottle of French whisky that says “eat shit you rotten bastard” on it (but engraved).  Or, spend $10 on a small bottle (otherwise known as a Mickey) of Olde Oscelot bourbon with a taped sticky note that says “eat shit” on it.  I know where I come down on this.  The French make fantastic wine, great champagne and I’d trust their cognac, but not sure about whisky.  Just saying.  I could give you dozens of better whisky options than this.

TRX SLAM BALL

Price: $45

They say: A slam ball is a simple-yet-dynamic add to any home gym setup. It’s helpful for working on explosive power or mixing up ab routines without requiring too much space. A thoughtful gift for the fitness-minded golfer on your list, or the golfer who needs a less destructive way to relieve tension at the end of the round.

SGIC says: Perfect for when you go full Bryson Dechambeau and commit to his ridiculous eating and training habits.  When that first bout of roid rage hits, you can throw this through a wall and then start crying.  Lovely.  Fact: 90% of people who buy this thing will never actually use it.  If you want one, wait another year and start hitting yard sales.  Five bucks cash money.

SEAMUS DRIFTWOOD HERRINGBONE POUCHES

Price: $65

They say: Handmade to order, these pouches are great for holding the little things on the course—tees, ball markers, a golf ball or two—but they’re are also an excellent place to store a facemask between wears. The regal green herringbone tweed bag is lined with fleece and pulls closed with leather cut cords. It’s also customizable to add initials, a name or a small icon.

SGIC says: You know what is even better is a Crown Royal bag.  It’s the official accessory pouch of SGIC Amalgamated Industries.  You can find one of these for around $25-$30, and you have the added bonus of a bottle of good utility whiskey.  It even comes in a box for easy gift wrapping.  What’s not to love?  A tumbler of Crown and Coke is one of my go-to drinking options.   No, I’m not an alcoholic because I don’t need to attend meetings.  I just drink.  A Crown Royal pouch will hold a sleeve of balls and enough tees, divot repair tools, ball-markers and whatever else you use.  And it’s purple, which means it’s classy.

LULULEMON EVOLUTION LONG SLEEVE POLO

Price: $98

They say: For all the golfers** who discovered and now swear by the , this long sleeve polo is a great next step into the Lululemon golf apparel collection. It’s made with anti-stink technology and sweat-wicking fabric to keep things fresh, has enough stretch for activity without losing its shape and comes in five easy-to-match-with color options.

SGIC says: **does not include anyone who can’t fit into their limited size range so suck rocks if you’re not rail-thin.  I have a raft of issues with this gong show of a company.  Least of which, they don’t know shit about golf and how golf clothing can and should function.  Their photo shoots that purport to be people playing golf are hilariously bad.  This shirt doesn’t appear to be able to be tucked in, and the sleeves look terrible.  Again- does anyone at this goat rodeo company actually play golf?

MUGGO TEMPERATURE CONTROL MUG

Price: $128

They say: Set the exact temperature you want for your coffee in 10 minutes with this smart mug. A rechargeable battery pops into the bottom of the leak-resistant travel mug, so your coffee will never get too cold on the course or on the go.

SGIC says:  If I can’t drink my coffee at 125.43 degrees Fahrenheit then someone’s hearing about it.  The people at 7-11 and Royal Farms better be reading this.  Last time at Royal Farms my coffee was over 130 degrees.  I WANNA SPEAK TO THE MANAGER.  Maybe if you actually…oh, I don’t know…DRANK YOUR COFFEE this wouldn’t be an issue.  Save $100 and buy a Yeti tumbler.  It maintains the temperature pretty well.  I use one (they don’t pay me, I bought mine like everyone else).

FOOTJOY X SMATHERS & BRANSON NEEDLEPOINT BELT

Price: $175

They say: This hand-stitched needlepoint belt is vintage, luxe and a great gift for golfers who appreciate a fine attention to detail. Available in green, blue or gray, the belt is finished with a solid brass buckle and Italian leather lining.

SGIC says: When Judge Smails invites you to drop by the yacht club, this is the belt you need.  It’s the belt Spalding uses to tie off his arm to shoot heroin, so you know that’s quality.  It says “trust fund kid” in the most obnoxious way.  Perfect for summer soirees at your dad’s place in the Hamptons while listening to Yacht Rock ironically.  Seriously, $175 for a goddamn belt?  That, or showing up with not one but TWO bottles of Kim Crawford rose.  Their commercials are laughable.  They sell what others call ‘cougar juice’ that no serious wine drinker would be caught dead anywhere near them.  Walking out of your local bodega in yoga pants holding up a bottle of this swill like you discovered oxygen is hilarious.

NIKE DRI-FIT UV WOMENS GOLF TOP

Price: $40

They say: An ultra-versatile basic, this Nike women’s top has all the performance elements she needs for golf—moisture management, UVA sun protection and a stretch fabric—with a soft cotton feel and relaxed fit that’ll go with everything.

SGIC says: I’m not sure how or why, but when did women’s golf shirts become collar-less?  Otherwise, this is not bad.  Decent price point, not gaudy.  Most of the women I know who play (most of whom can beat your ass any day they feel like it so don’t act like you’re better than them- you’re not) prefer collared shirts, but other than that I can’t really make fun of it.  It’s almost reasonable.

JONES CLASSIC STAND BAG

Price: $190

They say: You can’t go wrong with a classic stand bag like this one from Jones Sports Co. The single strap golf bag is made with a durable nylon material, has eight pockets and weighs just five pounds. The deep green colorway is a refreshing change from the traditional black and gray golf bags we see all too often.

SGIC says: You can buy better, lighter and cheaper.  Sun Mountain and Ping make fantastic bags and have a double strap for easy carrying if you’re not ready to join the Push Cart Mafia.  Hell, even my old Titleist carry bag is lighter than that and it’s 8 years old.  Five pounds really isn’t bragging.  It looks like the generic golf bag they use in print ads when they don’t want to have to edit out a manufacturer’s name.

LINKSOUL GAITER GIFT BOX

Price: $65

They say: A cozy way to stay warm and add a little protection this season, these LinkSoul gaiters are made from the same ultra-soft material the brand uses to make its popular cloud T-shirts. While gaiters are not recommended by the CDC as a facemask, it’s great to wear over an approved mask or provide coverage if you’re in a pinch.

SGIC says: Gaiters in a gift box are a nice ‘2020 in a box’ option even if they don’t offer much in terms of protection.  They’re not bad when it’s cooler, however.

JAMESON COLD BREW WITH HOLIDAY SIPS BOX

Price: $67

They say: This Jameson Cold Brew gift set is the perfect antidote to everything 2020 has thrown our way. Tasty on the rocks or in a cocktail this Irish Whiskey is infused with coffee flavors that might change your coffee order for good. It also comes with candies inspired by classic holiday cocktails to add a sweet-yet-boozy touch to gift giving this year.

SGIC says: I’m going to run for President in 2024 solely on an agenda of eliminating this kind of shit.  A bottle of Jameson is $25 and not for anything, but it’s great utility Irish whiskey (I say this from experience; most utility whiskeys like Jameson, Crown Royal, Johnnie Walker Black Label and Dewar’s White Label are fine options).  I don’t need or want coffee messing up my Jameson.  Best way to drink Jameson?  Pour some in a glass.  Add a few ice cubes.  Maybe a lime/lemon wedge.  That’s it.  If I see a place offering a Jameson Chocolate Martini I will show up with a flame thrower.  Stop it.  Quit trying to put things in whiskey.  We figured whiskey out centuries ago.  Basically, this is overpriced whiskey for people who don’t like whiskey.  So you’re paying $40 for mediocre coffee.  Buy a box of ProV1’s and a bottle of Jameson for what this runs.

PUMA POP TOP MINI BLUETOOTH SPEAKER

Price: $40

They say: The extremely affordable price point of this speaker ($40) makes it an easy last minute gift for golfers this holiday season. Available in black or white, the mini golf speaker attaches to a golf bag and delivers quality sound. It’s also got a built-in ball marker and bottle opener to make sure you have everything you need to have a good time on the course.

SGIC says: Perfect for saying to the people in your group “I don’t care about pace of play; I’m out here to take forever to play while listening to John Tesh or Creed” which is really something.  At least it’s not overpriced.

CORKCICLE COOLER BAG:

Price: $130

They say: Store 12 cans in this padded cooler backpack to make sure you never run out of drinks. The synthetic leather bag is a stylish-yet-subtle way to BYOB comfortably.

SGIC says:  For $130 it should come with someone carrying it around.  Great, now BIG COOLER is trying to gouge people along with seemingly every other industry.  If you’re a Costco member they sell a really nice cooler bag for $10 and it has a shoulder strap.  It’s not synthetic leather, but put the $120 in your pocket and call it a win.  For $120 you can fill that bad boy with some locally-made beer.  Winning!

NIKE REPEL MENS SYNTHETIC FILL GOLF JACKET

Price: $160

They say: or those chilly-but-not-freezing rounds, this insulated shirt-jacket should do the trick. It’s a water-repellent jacket that’s lightweight and breathable with insulated material that stays warm even when wet. The versatile collar creates a business-casual look when folded down or can provide additional warmth when turned up and secured with the button closure.

SGIC says:  It looks like a puffer vest and the 1977 vinyl jacket got married and spawned in the back of a 1975 AMC Pacer.  This was the byproduct.  It’s brown.  Who exactly thought we needed to see this thing in shit brown?  It’s ugly.  If it had the Members Only shoulder epaulets it would at least have the cheesy thing going.  It doesn’t, so you’re paying $160 for a butt-ugly jacket.  One-way plane ticket to North Korea not included.

TOMMY JOHN COOL COTTON BOXER BRIEF

Price: $36

They say: These briefs featuring a snowman playing golf were too fun not to mention. The whimsical pattern is festive without going overboard, and the cool cotton fabric is ultra comfortable. It’s a go-to pair of briefs with a stay-put waistband that guys will appreciate.

SGIC says: We’ve had 300,000 people die of COVID, but hey- my underpants are fun (but not ‘too’ fun) so we’re all good!  I’ve been wearing underpants most of my life, and I’ve never had an issue with waistband technology.  I put them on and generally, they tend to stay on all by themselves.  I achieve this by purchasing the right size, but that’s just me.  But for $36 I’m glad they stay put.  Can we talk about their commercials?  In what universe to people just parade around the house in their underpants and nothing else?  Is there some kind of secret society that gets together and just hangs around in their underpants like it’s not a big deal?

BRAZYN MORPH ALPHA FOAM ROLLER

Price: $70

They say: Foam rollers are an excellent tool for golfers to warm up or cool down muscles, but they tend to be a little too bulky to carry around. Brazyn aims to make foam rollers a little more portable with this collapsible tool. Fully expanded, the roller is 5.5 inches in diameter but will collapse flat to about two inches thick.

SGIC says:  Finally, we’ve figured out foam roller technology.  Let me wipe that giant collection of flop sweat off my forehead and dance around in my underpants as we celebrate this monumental achievement.  I’ve never seen someone at a golf course use a foam roller, and I’ve seen some incredibly weird shit.  Is this one of those private club things, like the blue water that’s used to clean combs and stuff in the men’s locker room?  If you’re using a foam roller at home, is this ‘really’ a problem that you’d need a $70 foam roller?

JACK BLACK MR FRESH SET

Price: $40

They say: Whether the clubhouse is closed or you just need to freshen up on the go, this set from Jack Black is ultra-useful to have on hand. The All-Over Spray and Wipes will leave you feeling clean and hydrated without a shower. And when you finally find one, the All-Over wash can be used on the hair, face or body to provide deep clean without stripping essential moisture.

SGIC says:  $40 for goddamn wipes and some body wash.  Does the body wash come in a ramekin?  Can I get this personalized as a gift for another $20?  If you REALLY cared, wouldn’t you just jump in the pond like Carl Spackler and wash up?  Natural spring would be good for you, Carl.  Doesn’t everyone work from home now?  Just go home and take a shower like an adult (and take a beer with you).  Seriously, I can’t begin to properly extol the virtues of a Shower Beer.  It doesn’t have to be some fancy IPA.  It actually works best if it’s shitty beer.  Open the beer, get the water going, jump in, and drink up.  It feels so wrong, but it’s so right.  Trust me.

LULULEMON WOMENS ON THE FLY JOGGER

Price: $118

They say: A fan favorite on or off the course, these comfortable joggers are made with breathable, sweat-wicking fabrics, an athletic four-way stretch and an upscale design.

SGIC says: $118 for sweatpants.  SWEATPANTS.  Not trousers, not slacks, not a pair of dark jeans.  SWEATPANTS.  Dropping over $115 on pants that say “you’ve given up all hope” should be a warning sign.  Never mind that 90% of people who will spend $118 on these will never jog or do yoga.  But they’ll watch 10 hours of Netflix in one setting.  It’s like Bunny Calvin from ‘The Wire’ correctly describing the brown paper bag; the perfect vessel for hiding your beer so you can drink in public.  It’s the Great Compromise.

PALM GOLF CO LAZY PALM BEANIE

Price: $22

They say: This minimalist beanie is cozy and stylish. Available in a ton of colors, the simple Palm logo will remind you of warmer days to come.

SGIC says: They’re toques, not beanies.  A beanie should have propellers on it.  A toque (or ski hat) is what you wear during the cold weather.  For just over 20 bucks this isn’t bad.  A toque is a component of playing in the winter months.  Get a good one.  A toque.

FLECHA AZUL ANEJO

Price: “Starts” at $108

They say: Golf and tequila fans will love this brand co-founded by Abraham Ancer. The Anejo is aged for 18 months in American oak bourbon barrels and has an ultra-smooth finish with hints of maple, caramel and cinnamon.

SGIC says:  $108 (and up) for tequila made by a guy with as many PGA Tour wins as I have?  And it’s twice as much as Patron (which is really good)?  Sign me up.  This celebrity-name-brand alcohol racket is really something.  It’s one thing when it’s an actual A-list celebrity (see George Clooney and his Casamigos brand tequila), but a guy who’s never won on the PGA Tour is hawking a 3-figure bottle of tequila takes some serious cojones.  I mean, if Phil wants to roll out Tequila For Wellness, then have at it.  I’m honestly surprised Nicklaus or Norman haven’t done this yet.  Not for anything, but if you’re a Costco member, their Silver ‘Kirkland’ tequila is $20 for a huge bottle, and for $20 it’s a fantastic value and good drinking tequila.

BOSS ITALIAN MADE SLIDES

Price: $88

They say: Made in Italy, these sporty slides have a contoured foot bed that will provide relief post-round without sacrificing support. Available in a variety of colors ranging from bright oranges to a luxe black and gold, the Boss logo is a stylish statement-maker to fit any style.

SGIC says:  Made in Italy “and” they’re sporty.  Not enough footwear is sporty.  More things should be described as being sporty.  That gaping head wound you just got…sporty!  The liver damage…sporty!  That snap-hook on 14…sporty!  Never mind comfortable (which these won’t be unless you have relatively narrow feet).  Never mind adjustable (they’re not).  These slides (otherwise known as shower shoes), go great with a $300 Supreme hoodie and those $120 sweatpants.  On the other hand, if Dustin Johnson was wearing these does he slip and fall on the stairs before his first round at Augusta a few years back?  I think not.

ADIDAS CODE CHAOS 2K AEROREADY POLO SHIRT

Price $65

They say: Non-shoulder seams allow for a roomy swing and the lightweight fabric is partially made with recycled polyester for a sustainable performance top that’s easy to pair with. This shirt also appeared in the newly released PGA TOUR 2K21 video game, but gamer or not, it’s a polo golfers will love.

SGIC says:  Comes in navy blue so you can pair with a pair of navy pants and join your Dustin Johnson cosplay group.

TOVOLO GOLF BALL ICE MOLDS

Price: $15

They say: A small-yet-thoughtful gift for your golf friends, these molds make golf-ball-shaped ice that will melt slowly to avoid watering down your drink. It’s a simple tool that will go a long way for those who appreciate savoring a good drink.

SGIC says: Is there any industry that doesn’t try to push its way into the Christmas buying season?  Now we’ve got Big Ice coming in hard and fast.  Golf-ball shaped ice?  This is ROUND.  Repeat.  Round.  It’s a ball of ice.  It’s one big giant ball rather than a few cubes, but we can’t have that, because Big Ice has to get a taste of the action.

ECCO MENS STREET RETRO GOLF SHOES

Price $150

They say: These leather street-shoe-inspired golf shoes are more than just a stylish accessory. The ECCO Hydromax treatment is water-repellent, the high-tech grip system covers 800 traction angles, and the textile collar adds cushioning for all-day comfort.

SGIC says: Please, for the love of everything good, can someone please tell ECCO to start making their shoes in widths?  Seriously.  They make some of the best shoes you can buy…if you have an average width foot.  I don’t, so as much as I’d like to buy ECCO, I can’t.  I mean, I could spend a bunch of money to keep Big Ice and Big Sweatpant flushed with money, but when it comes to buying golf shoes I have 2-3 options at best.

B.DRADDY KYLE PULLOVER

Price: $160

They say: This pullover can be dressed up or down easy, and it’s made with Peruvian Pima Cotton, so the soft feel might be akin to your favorite sweatshirt. The four-button placket has horn buttons for a sophisticated finish to the on-trend striped top.

SGIC says:  Of course it’s named after Kyle.  Peruvian cotton, bitches!  None of that inferior cotton!  Somewhere, there’s a guy named Kyle Draddy who hasn’t worked a day in his life and never will courtesy of his trust fund.  Kyle has opinions about things.  Kyle is wearing this pullover, and having mastered pulling it over his head, he decrees that he is, in fact, the smartest Kyle in the history of Kyles.  Kyle belongs to daddy’s private club somewhere in the Hamptons and has been 86’d from over a dozen bars.  I think if you wear this sweater, you automatically are required to change your name to Kyle.  Or Todd.

HOLIDAY SONG

This remains the gold standard.  I refuse to acknowledge that someone has covered this.  Enjoy your holidays.