Dozens demanded it, so on this day of celebrating Festivus, I dress up like Santa and hand out some gifts to the local golf scene. I spent
hours wait…a good ten minutes checking my list to see who’s naughty and nice.
To Falls Road GC, it’s a pace of play guide! In fact, a whole box of them! Give ’em to your marshals and anyone playing on weekends! Need more? Just ask Santa!
To Golfdom, it’s a lease option on a store in Maryland! A chance to expand the empire into Maryland, and a chance for Maryland golfers to shop somewhere that isn’t a chain!
To Golf Galaxy you’re getting a chance to sell big and tall sizes and wide width shoes! If you want to stay relevant, try stocking wide width (since it seems like these go pretty quickly). I’d love to actually try shoes on (and buy them) but when you don’t have my size in stock (and online isn’t much better) you’re practically begging people to go elsewhere.
To Hobbit’s Glen, Santa is giving you online tee times for all CA members! Bask in the glory of not having the same group of people take every weekend morning tee time! And for your pro shop staff, a big giant ball of friendliness! The people on the other end of the line are trying to give you money. They’re not bothering you. They’re why you exist.
To Waverly Woods, Santa is going pull the giant stick out of your butt for you! If you want to become a private club then by all means have at it. Otherwise, embrace the masses, especially if they’re trying to give you money.
For Sligo Creek and Old Gunpowder, Santa got you each a 2-year lease to continue to operate. Keep embracing and welcoming new golfers.
For Cross Creek, Santa is getting you an email spam filter because you’re sending Santa five emails a week. Let’s improve conditions a bit and see how that helps (however, I completely feel for you in losing your signature hole to the ICC).
For Timbers at Troy, Santa is going to give you a do-over. You can’t possibly be this poorly run and in that bad of shape two years running. Santa wants you to do well, and so do a lot of local golfers. So let’s pull it together.
For Redgate, Santa is getting you a chain saw to cut down all the damn trees on the 16th tee area so you can have actual grass in the tee boxes, and not hardpan dirt. And while we’re at it a couple sticks of C4 to blow the entire damn hole up and start over. And because Santa likes you a lot, he’s also getting you green grass tees for the range!
For Golfstyles Magazine Santa sends you good karma for your 2015 Solstice Survival series which benefits a very worthy charity and is a must-do for any local golfer who’s partially insane. But $20 for a coffee table book of bad writing so I can get your magazine for free? No thanks.
For the LPGA Tour Santa is begging you to bring an event to the DC/MD/VA area in 2015. Please.
Lastly, a holiday wish from Santa’s buddy Denis Leary (NSFW lyrics)
Happy Holidays everyone.