Tag: PGA Tour (page 6 of 6)

Yes The PGA Tour Needs an All Star Event

January 24, 2015 / / 0 Comments

As I settled in last night to watch the (allegedly) drunken debauchery that was the NHL All Star Fantasy Draft (starting in 2011 the league skipped their old East/West and North America/World formats and chose teams via fantasy draft), I took away a few things- for one, it looked like everyone was having fun, and two- why can’t the PGA Tour do something similar?

Hi Ovie!

If Tiger Woods was doing this the Internet would explode

So armed with that idea, a piece of paper, a pen, and a barely functioning brain, I came up with a plan- the 1st Annual LPGA-PGA Tour All Star Weekend!

We have a trade to announce...see ya Phil.

We have a trade to announce…see ya Phil.

Each Tour selects their best 12 players.  Players that are nominated but decline are deducted FedEx Cup points/CME Globe points.  Players that show up get the equivalent of a top 10 finish in a marquee event and guaranteed status for two years (same as winning an event).

Take one of the spring events.  For some reason I keep thinking Dallas would be a great “first option”…some time in April (after the Masters in that nine week period between the Masters and the US Open).

Pick two playing captains…don’t overthink it.  Mickelson and Woods?  Sure!  Think high profile.   Have fun with it.

Each team picks 12 players (6 men, 6 women).  You know…like, oh, I don’t know…the Solheim, Ryder, and Presidents Cups?  Have the “draft” on television.  I’m dead certain the Golf Channel would show it.  Allow a trade?  Hell yes!  Encourage drinking?  Oh hell yes!  Have Feherty or someone similar act as emcee.  When they go on stage they get their team bag and shirt (you make up bags for each team…the unused ones get raffled off for The First Tee or Donors Choose (have fans vote among a few selected charities).  The last player picked gets a car.

Format?  Team format, obviously.  Day one (Friday)- everyone plays one round of fourballs (teams are one man/one woman).  Day two (Saturday)?  everyone plays one round of foursomes (alternate shot).  Day three (Sunday)?  Match play.  Have the women play the odd numbered games, the men the even (so women take slots 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, the men 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12).  Tied?  Putting contest on the 18th green as to who can make the longest putt.  I’d chop down the rough.  We’re encouraging birdies and eagles here.

Nobody has to play 36 holes in a day.  The winning team gets FedEx/CME Globe points.  Shit, I’d let ’em ride carts if they want to.  I’d even let it be known quietly that a little on-course wagering won’t offend anyone’s tender mercies.  Everyone at this event is wearing a mic.

But what of tradition, you say?  Please.  You’re telling me that a tournament wouldn’t want this in lieu of a pedestrian 72-hole event?  People would buy tickets and quite happily (in fact, my guess is that a lot of places would be happy to host something like this).

It’s still golf.  Would you like to see, say, Rickie Fowler and Michelle Wie as teammates for a day or some tournament that nobody cares about?

Besides, isn’t the whole point of this to be entertaining?

 

The People Of Golf- The Novice and The Woman

January 18, 2015 / / 0 Comments

As I will often do, I have debates in my head about things.  Am I wearing pants, for example?  Should I wear them or should I have no pants day?  What should I have for dinner?  And how do I turn two conversations 8 months apart into something meaningful, or should I split them up?

Sure- I could spend my commute time listening to podcasts and thinking of how to make the world a better place.  Instead, this is what I think about.  Well, that and scotch.  And the Maple Leafs’ annual descent into complete shit show, paused momentarily by the firing of Randy Carlyle, who will be best remembered by this moment of brilliance last December during HBO’s 24/7:

If you’re scoring at home, that’s Toaster 1, Carlyle 0.  And people wonder why I drink like I do.

So anyway, in lieu of two separate blogs, I’ve combined two separate interviews into one super-duper blog post.

Steve (not his real name) has been playing for less than five years, and I’d estimate his handicap at 18-20.  We play occasionally, and he gets around pretty well but gives up strokes around the green (in other words he’s like most of you).  He got bit by the golf bug like many of us, and he’s now at that healthy level of obsession that is so endearing; sadly with Golf Channel now showing “golf” he’s missing out on staying up until 3:00 a.m. to watch infomercials (in my younger days I had a sexual tryst while the Perfect Club infomercial was on- I feel like there should be some kind of award for this, but we digress).  Now that some of you are possibly vomiting, I’ll steer back to point.

Sally (not her real name) has been playing for 10+ years.  I’ve seen her at the driving range a few times, and like me, she shows up, hits her bucket and is on her way (I’ve seen her get bothered on several occasions while she’s hitting balls).  I’m not sure she was particularly thrilled that I approached her in the pro shop to ask her about golf (at least initially) but she soon realized I had no motive other than her two cents on the state of golf.

Me: One of the things people often cite when asked why they don’t play golf is the cost.  You’re not a millionaire.  Did this bother you?

Steve: Not really; my first set of clubs were used, I got them cheap, paid a few bucks to get them re-gripped and I was off.  I found that by looking around and looking for value and sales, I could find stuff fairly cheaply.

Me: The other thing you hear is that new golfers are intimidated by more experienced golfers.  Any issues?

Steve: Not really…never encountered any issues from other golfers.  Most other golfers just want to get around and shoot good scores.

Me: Other than spending time outdoors, why did you take up the game?

Steve: I wanted a new experience.  I wanted an opportunity to meet people, take up a new hobby, and be able to mix business in with what I do.  And what they say is true- golf is a great place to conduct business, or at least get to meet new people.

Me: What issues did you encounter as a novice/beginner?

Steve: By far pace of play was the biggest issue.  If you can keep up and keep moving along nobody bothers you.

Me: Okay, so if you had $500 to spend right now on golf, what would you buy?

Steve: A new pair of waterproof shoes!  Playing early means the courses are wet.  I’d also invest in some more lessons; maybe a short game clinic or something like that.  Before I buy anything I’d do research though.  I don’t care about a particular brand; I’m looking for value.

Me: Neither of us will ever play on the Tour (Steve and I are roughly the same age), so why do you play?

Steve: Having those great holes make for a rewarding experience.  It’s fun to see if you can beat your best-ever round.  I can see why you love to play even though you drink way too much.  I mean, does Johnnie Walker sponsor you or something?

Me: How long should a round of golf take?

Steve: No more than four hours.

Me: If you could give one piece of advice to newcomers, what would it be?

Steve: Take lessons and don’t be afraid to play from the forward tees.

My chat with Sally appears below:

Me: So how long have you been playing?

Sally: Over ten years.  I played off and on and have gotten more serious about it in the last five years.

Me: I’ll admit I see you at the range quite a bit, and every time you’re hitting balls at least one or two guys will come up to you.   I’ve wondered what they’re talking to you about?

Sally: Equal parts tips on my swing and seeing if they can help me.

Me: From afar it doesn’t appear to be the case.

Sally: It’s not.  I just want to hit balls, work on my game, and unwind.  Is that too much to ask?

Me: Not at all.

Sally: (tone slightly irritated) I’m not here looking to meet anyone.  I want to work on my game and ideally be left alone.  Why do you guys think I need your help?

Me: I don’t.  That’s what PGA Professionals are for.

Sally: Thank you.

Me: When you play rounds do you get bothered?

Sally: It depends.  If I’m playing with business colleagues, generally everything is fine, other than having to remind them at least a half-dozen times that I play from the forward tees even though I tell them before the first hole.  Getting paired up with a group of guys can go fine or it becomes really frustrating?

Me: How so?

Sally: For one, ask me what set of tees I’m playing from…don’t assume.  Two, I don’t want your advice on my swing, stance, or posture.  Three, I don’t want your phone number.  Four, don’t assume I’m going to pick up or that a putt is good.  Why do guys assume that anything inside four feet is “good”?

Me: Because deep down four footers scare the crap out of us.

Sally: Me too, but I didn’t start playing to avoid this.  Just let me either finish, mark it, or pick it up.

Me: Fair enough.  I noticed you have a pretty big cart bag.  Any reason?

Sally: The first set I bought had everything (bag, clubs, putter), and it was pink.  I like the clubs but I don’t want or need a pink bag.  So I bought a giant bag (which actually works out- I can leave my waterproof pants and jacket in it).

Me: How do you get treated at public courses?

Sally:  Depends.  If I’m part of a twosome or a foursome there’s generally no problems, but if myself and another woman join a twosome of guys it can be difficult.

Me: How so?

Sally: Your “great, we have to play with women” body language.  The idea that you might have to wait for us to tee off.  The look that somehow we take forever to play when it’s usually men who have to play from the tips that slow things up (guilty).  I’m not saying you need to bow in front of us…just some basic courtesy is all.  Oh, and maybe not hit on us.

Me: How often does this happen?

Sally: Only occasionally, but it still puts me off- it’s not like I’m paying any less or something.  I’ve become used to it to some level, I suppose.

Me: Thanks for your time, and best of luck this year.

Sally: Thanks.

 

 

Where SGIC Plays Santa for the Local Golf Scene

December 24, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Dozens demanded it, so on this day of celebrating Festivus, I dress up like Santa and hand out some gifts to the local golf scene.  I spent hours wait…a good ten minutes checking my list to see who’s naughty and nice.

SGIC as Santa doing research

SGIC as Santa doing research

To Falls Road GC, it’s a pace of play guide!   In fact, a whole box of them!  Give ’em to your marshals and anyone playing on weekends!  Need more?  Just ask Santa!

To Golfdom, it’s a lease option on a store in Maryland!  A chance to expand the empire into Maryland, and a chance for Maryland golfers to shop somewhere that isn’t a chain!

To Golf Galaxy you’re getting a chance to sell big and tall  sizes and wide width shoes!  If you want to stay relevant, try stocking wide width (since it seems like these go pretty quickly).  I’d love to actually try shoes on (and buy them) but when you don’t have my size in stock (and online isn’t much better) you’re practically begging people to go elsewhere.

To Hobbit’s Glen, Santa is giving you online tee times for all CA members!  Bask in the glory of not having the same group of people take every weekend morning tee time!  And for your pro shop staff, a big giant ball of friendliness!  The people on the other end of the line are trying to give you money.  They’re not bothering you.  They’re why you exist.

To Waverly Woods, Santa is going pull the giant stick out of your butt for you!  If you want to become a private club then by all means have at it.  Otherwise, embrace the masses, especially if they’re trying to give you money.

For Sligo Creek and Old Gunpowder, Santa got you each a 2-year lease to continue to operate.  Keep embracing and welcoming new golfers.

For Cross Creek, Santa is getting you an email spam filter because you’re sending Santa five emails a week.  Let’s improve conditions a bit and see how that helps (however, I completely feel for you in losing your signature hole to the ICC).

For Timbers at Troy, Santa is going to give you a do-over.  You can’t possibly be this poorly run and in that bad of shape two years running.  Santa wants you to do well, and so do a lot of local golfers.  So let’s pull it together.

For Redgate, Santa is getting you a chain saw to cut down all the damn trees on the 16th tee area so you can have actual grass in the tee boxes, and not hardpan dirt.  And while we’re at it a couple sticks of C4 to blow the entire damn hole up and start over.   And because Santa likes you a lot, he’s also getting you green grass tees for the range!

For Golfstyles Magazine Santa sends you good karma for your 2015 Solstice Survival series which benefits a very worthy charity and is a must-do for any local golfer who’s partially insane.  But $20 for a coffee table book of bad writing so I can get your magazine for free?  No thanks.

For the LPGA Tour Santa is begging you to bring an event to the DC/MD/VA area in 2015.  Please.

Lastly, a holiday wish from Santa’s buddy Denis Leary (NSFW lyrics)

Happy Holidays everyone.

It’s SGIC version 2.0

December 19, 2014 / / 0 Comments
100% better than before

100% better than before

 

Look who’s all grown up…why that’s me!  Thanks to some help from my crack research team, the site looks a bit different now.  What’s that word?  Oh yeah…more professional looking.  Using what are called “tools” and “diagnostics” and fancy stuff like that, hopefully you’ll find what you’re looking for.

Bloge Salming is a sometimes-contributor with SGIC favorite Sean McIndoe, otherwise known as Down Goes Brown (by the way, if you like hockey and have a sense of humour his book makes a great holiday gift- even if you hate hockey and can’t read, the book makes a fantastic paperweight).  His Brett Favre holiday video is still the stuff of genius…it may be a couple years old but it still makes me laugh (and that NHL.com uses this same music for their holiday commercial is a gift that keeps on giving); it’s not really the festive season until I hear this delightful missive.

 

 

Happy holidays.  My second annual SGIC plays Santa is coming soon- just in time for Christmas!

Revealed – The Post Ryder Cup Task Force Meeting

October 24, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Once again, Sean McIdoe who runs the beyond-fantastic hockey website downgoesbrown.com and has written a fantastic book and if that’s not enough is a frequent contributor to Grantland has generously loaned his infamous “spies” to me as I try to uncover what happened at the super-secret PGA of America Task Force meeting.

Seriously, Sean’s a great writer and his book is hilarious.  Buy his book.  Hell, buy several copies.

Okay, enough plugging.  Below are the meeting minutes.  Present were PGA of America President Ted Bishop, Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Rickie Fowler and Tom Watson.

Ted Bishop (PGA of America President): Thanks, everyone for taking time out of their day to join me here in Orlando as we try to figure out how we can improve the US Ryder Cup team.  We’ve lost 8 of the last 10 Ryder Cups, and frankly they’ve outplayed us.  So I want to hear your ideas on what we can do so we can start winning again.  Because if there’s one thing that golf fans agree on it’s middle-aged white guys chanting “USA” never gets old.  It’s almost as great as the guys who yell “Baba Booey” or “GET IN THE HOLE MASHED POTATOES.”  So who wants to start?  Remember, you’re here to come up with ideas on how we can regain the Ryder Cup in 2016.

Arnold Palmer: Well if you idiots would stop listening to Jack, we’d be playing the Brits and the Irish and not the whole continent.  But…no…you had to go invite the whole damn continent.  And wow…thanks for letting me hear that “Ole Ole Ole” song.  Every time I hear it I want to go drink gasoline.

Dan Jenkins: Can I make a comment about Sergio Garcia that’s mildly offensive or should I just talk about TCU football?  Can I polish Ben Hogan’s statue a bit?  Should I be using the Twitter and talk about Tiger and pool parties?  People like that stuff.  Or should I just mention “try putting better” like I did back in August.

Tiger Woods: TCU old man?  That choke job last week at Baylor was worse that the 2012 choke we had at Medinah, amirite?  You need Stanford guys running things like…what’s that old guy…?

(Jenkins whispering in Woods’ ear to remind him that Tom Watson went to Stanford)

Tiger: Well never mind then.

Watson: Thanks, pal.

Rickie Fowler: Go OSU Cowboys!  I enjoy the Ryder Cup…it’s a great honor to represent my country.  Now if you excuse me I’m getting on my motorcycle and do a couple wheelies in the parking lot.

Phil Mickelson: Well, the first problem is that we’re having this meeting in Orlando.  Should I spend 20 minutes going over this power point presentation Bones and I made about why we should have it in Phoenix or San Diego?  Should I mention I’ll have to leave between 11:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. to take Amy and my daughter to lunch at the Varsity in Atlanta?  And if you look at the last five slides they’re art work made by my kids.

Jenkins: Seriously…do these guys know how to putt?  Ben Hogan knew how to putt.  So’d Lee Trevino.  I need a drink.

Watson: Well, we practiced our putting for a couple hours…so there’s that.

Tiger: I know what you were missing…

Jenkins: Someone who can go 0-4 and not find the fairway with a map?

Jack Nicklaus: I can’t believe I haven’t spoken yet.  I’d like to talk about this one time I played with Arnie back in 1971.  We were both hungover as skunks and we teed off.  Arnie hit a baby draw that ended up in the rough.  I was in the fairway about 175 yards from the pin, and I hit a little fade with a 6-iron …Angelo thought it was a 7-iron but I knew that with the wind that it would be a six; so then Arnie hits this beautiful 4-wood from the rough to about 10 feet..he caught it a bit heavy but he got a good roll on it…

Palmer: Holy shit Jack…can’t you go design a golf course somewhere or go spend time with your grandkids?  I’m old and going to die soon and honestly you talking about golf shots is nowhere near what I want to be hearing about when I go.  You know what would hit the spot right now?  An iced tea/lemonade combo.  I’ve got a great name for it. Anway, so there were these two cheerleaders when I played at Wake Forest…wow.  So the one’s a redhead and tells me about this trick she had involving ping pong balls…

Tiger: Go on…did she work at Perkins?

Jenkins: Are we doing Tiger dating Perkins waitress jokes?  Because I have a few.

Phil: Sophia did a research project about the effective curve of Perkins waitress jokes.  Can I show her analysis?

Group: NO!

Bishop: NO.  What do you guys think would help our players play better in Tournaments?

Fowler: Our captains have always tried their hardest.  Can’t we just say that anyone who lives in the Orlando area is automatically ineligible to play for Europe?  That would mean McDowell and Poulter couldn’t play…that would help, right?  What about if we had more captain’s picks.

Watson: More captain’s picks would be helpful.  I mean, how’d I get stuck with Webb Simpson?  He’s a nice kid but how’d he qualify?

Bishop: Someone kill me…please.

Jenkins: Putting.  Instead of staring at the green for two minutes, how about hit the damn ball so it goes in the hole?  The Euros seem to have this figured out. What would help if these guys could…oh I don’t know, maybe make a putt every now and then.  And have a personality.  Most of you goobers are as exciting as a roll of paper towels.

Tiger: Military style training.  I run 8 miles a day in army boots.  Okay, so I couldn’t find the fairway with a map, but I’m in the greatest shape of my life (he rips off shirt and begins doing bodybuilder poses).

Jenkins: Tiger, watching you try to hit a driver is like watching me not make borderline racially inappropriate jokes about Sergio Garcia every time he pisses away a tournament.  Is for me, Sergio!  And now your putting has gone bad as well.  Insert thing about how Ben Hogan would dominate you.

Tiger: If you mention Ben Hogan two more times I get a free car wash.

Bishop: None of this is helping.

Palmer: These guys don’t care anymore.  They’re happy with their free courtesy cars and private planes.  Make ’em fly commercial and take a bus.

Mickelson: Remind me who started this whole private plane shit.  Hint- his name is Arnold Palmer.

Nicklaus: You tell ’em…which reminds me about the 1972 US Open…

Tiger: Oh shit…you’re going to summon it from the depths of Napa.

(Door opens and Johnny Miller walks in)

Miller: Did someone mention the 1973 US Open?  I shot a 63 there and won.

Bishop: You’re a year off…Seriously?  We’re talking about the Ryder Cup and you silly bastards go get Johnny Oakmont?  Do any of you actually have an attention span?

Miller: Seriously…am I the only one awed by that 63?  I can go through it hole by hole if you like.

Tiger: If you do I’m putting a gun in my mouth.

Mickelson: Whatever, did I mention Amy made me a cake for my birthday?  It was awesome. Anyway, Pelz and I have put together this 500-page report on how we can putt better.  If only I had done this before the PGA Championship this year.

Jenkins: Holy shit Phil…watching you miss that inevitable 8-footer is like watching TCU sorority girls stumble around drunk.  It stopped being funny a while ago and now it’s just pathetic.

Tiger: Can’t you just make golf commercials Phil?  You know Phil, you can grow that hair as long as you want but it won’t cover up that bald spot.

Phil: Whatever…anyway, Amanda and Sophia (opens wallet and pulls out photo) were talking with Amy, and we put together this 25-slide power point going over how they think that having a day of math and science and that Sophia would make a great captain.

Palmer: Why exactly am I here?

Bishop: To try to help us be better at the Ryder Cup and because people know your name.  I mentioned Webb Simpson earlier nobody knows who he is…and he won a US Open?  I mean, how hard could that be?

Mickelson: Eat shit and die.

Palmer: I’d suggest that they start to play practice rounds for real stakes…I mean shit that means something…not cash.  So it was 1965 and I was out on the tiles with Dean Martin and Joey Bishop, and we had a couple drinks…

Jenkins: Go on…

Palmer: Thanks. So anyway, we meet up with these cocktail waitresses and I ask them if they want to play leaky submarine.

Bishop: Please NOBODY LOOK THAT UP ON URBAN DICTIONARY.

Jenkins: Have I mentioned become better putters yet?

Palmer: My point, Mr. Fun Police, is that these guys are about as exciting as a pair of socks.  Oh, you clowns play ping pong?  Unless you mean beer pong before hanging out with an entire sorority.  Do you know what we used to do at Ryder Cups?  Hint- get drunk and screw girls!  Plus…they don’t care if they lose or not.  It’s not like they’re going to suffer any consequences or lose money as a result.

Tiger: You know, Freddie Couples always does a great job at the Presidents Cup.  He’s not a hard-ass and let’s face it, beating the International side isn’t exactly difficult.  And Freddie pretty much lets me do whatever…

Jenkins: So lose a lot then…

Fowler: I like Freddie as well.  He listens to our ideas and he offered me several great suggestions.

Phil: When I suggested to Freddie that he pair me and Keegan together he thought that was a great idea.

Nicklaus: Freddie sure seems like a nice fella, but don’t forget about my Presidents Cup wins either.

Palmer: Hey Jack, can you mention those 18 majors?  Pretty sure it’s been a day since you’ve done that.

Nicklaus: You’re not counting my US Amateur wins.

All: SHUT UP JACK!

Watson: So who’s our next captain?

Bishop: We need someone who will command the respect of the players and can inspire the team to victory.  Someone who can unite players of different backgrounds towards a common goal.  Someone who understands the global game of golf.

Miller: What about me?  It’s not like I’m doing anything right now.  Do you know what it’s like to hang out with Dan Hicks?  My social life becomes the equivalent of that dog commercial with the Sarah McLachlan song.  He spent 20 minutes talking about new socks.

All: NO!

Bishop: I’ve made my decision.  After careful thought I’m pleased to introduce the 2016 US Ryder Cup Captain and Assistant Captains.  We think that these men will give us the chance we need to get the cup back.  Gents?

US captain Ian Poulter, and assistant captains Rory McIlroy, and Justin Rose walk into the room.  There are audible gasps and two members of the panel jump out of the building.

Bishop: I’d say we just gave ourselves a fantastic chance of winning.

 

Leaked- the PGA Tour Suspension protocol

March 9, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Very few people know this, but recently I was inducted into the secret society of bloggers.  It was a difficult application process (I had to list my blog and promise to uphold the Bloggers Oath…I could tell you about it but then I’d have to kill you), but I was approved and they had a really nice ceremony for me this past week (the Starbucks was booked up so we went to table 14 at Panera Bread) where I got my very own Bloggers Society bathrobe, slippers, and “Yes I live in my mom’s basement” ironic trucker hat.  So now I’m official.

That’s right- bloggers are dangerous, Mr. Finchem.

While I was there I met some other bloggers and we shared trade secrets.  I’ll admit, telling people I blog about golf got some real odd looks, but eventually some of them came around.  The other sports bloggers were the most welcoming.  One of them was my favourite hockey blogger, Sean McIndoe of www.downgoesbrown.com and ESPN’s www.grantland.com which are both fantastic sites.  For years, his secret spies have broken into the NHL’s offices and gotten him Top Secret files and documents.

Sean’s welcome gift to me (other than a bag full of losing Roll Up The Rim cups…thanks?) was to have his spies break into the PGA Tour’s offices in Ponte Vedra (let’s face it- with the winter we’re having any excuse to go to Florida works at this point).  His spies explained that normally, they have a couple dozen Konica Minolta Bizhub Swingvision SuperSloMo Gary McCords MoustacheWax cameras that act as security, but apparently they needed them (something about a “tournament” that was being “broadcast”) that day.  They found a big box marked “Super Secret Files-Shhhh!!!!” and grabbed it.  They might have gotten caught, but luckily the security (who may or may not have been Gary McCord) was asleep.

As you may or may not know, the PGA Tour does not publicly announce any fines or suspensions because…well…you know…it’s complicated (the European Tour announces them) and Tim Finchem is busy explaining the FedEx Cup to random people.  I’ll point out that the NHL not only announces fines and suspensions, but they put out videos explaining the action and the suspension.  If only there was a website that housed videos…oh, that’ll never happen.  Even the ATP and WTA (that’s tennis) announce suspensions.  The PGA Tour has somehow managed this despite John Daly’s litany of actions, the Deer Antler Spray episode with Vijay Singh, Fuzzy Zoeller’s comments about Tiger Woods in 1997, and Tiger Woods’ own litany of profanity, club throwing, and the like.

However, the PGA Tour does suspend players and fine them.  They just do it “secretly” because if you were to find out that someone got suspended because they did donuts on the 14th fairway in their courtesy car…you might not tune in to watch or buy tickets when the Tour comes to your town?  Sure.

However, my Spies on Tour found out that the Tour does, in fact, have a process for dealing with potential fines and suspensions, and I’ve managed to get a copy.

Q: When did
the incident occur?

1: Tuesday during the official welcome reception

2: Wednesday during the pro-am

3: During Thursday-Friday play

4: During Saturday (3rd round) play

5: During Sunday’s round, on television, and in Woods or Mickelson’s group

6: On Twitter

Q: What type of incident?

1: On-course profanity

2: Club throwing

3: Rules violation phoned in by the one guy who always calls these in

4: Etiquette violation phoned in by the one guy who always calls these in

5: Player/fan/member of media make Ian Poulter send out 50 tweets last night

6: Positive drug test for something other than Viagra, Scotch, or Horse Tranquilizers

7: A player tweeted about why he can’t use racial slurs anymore

8: Someone finally snapped at the guys who yell random shit during tee shots

9: Was it the “mashed potatoes” guy?

10: Yes

11: No suspension

Q: What type of player was involved?

1: Tiger

2: Was it really Tiger?

3: Yes

4: Oh Shit

5: Is it on video

6: Yes

7: Oh Shit

Q: Was it someone other than Tiger?

1: No- I already said it was Tiger…do you not get these running memes?

2: Yes

Q: Okay, so if not Tiger then who?

1: Mickelson

2: Oh fuck…are you kidding?

3: Yes

4: Then who else?

5: Guy nobody has ever heard of (even the guys on The Golf Channel don’t know)

Q: Who is talking about the incident (circle all that apply)?

1: The Morning Drive crew from The Golf Channel

2: The guy who does the Perfect Club infomercial

3: Golf bloggers (both of them)

4: Sports Talk Radio

5: BET News Tonight

6: The President

7: Home Shopping Network

Q: Does this player have any history of bad behavior?

1: Nope…squeaky clean

2: Was once warned about forgetting to shake hands with one of the other caddies, standard bearer, Feherty, the guys in the scoring tent, the guy in the ugly jacket who gives out the trophy, the guy in the ugly jacket’s wife, and all four members of the military who are required to hold the flagstick because we started this thing and now it’s like a death cycle of Nickelback.

3: Fined for swearing once

4: Fined for forgetting to thank Jesus and not having his adorable wife and children run on the 18th green after a win

5: Fined multiple times for profanity

6: Destroyed the locker room while wearing women’s underpants and a Jim Nantz mask

7: Tried to arm-bar Roger Maltbie

Q: Were there any extenuating circumstances?

1: It was during the final round of a major and he had a 30 foot putt to tie lip out on 18

2: Ball was in a sand-filled divot

3: Johnny Miller bent over in front of him wearing a thong

4: Lost “next time you’re having sex with your wife speak to her in your Jack Nicklaus accent” bet

5: Rookie player who actually thought “be on the 9th green at 9:00 p.m.” was a thing

6: Brawl between Bubba Watson and his caddie spilled into next group

7: Player on 18th hole and had not heard a reference from “Caddyshack”

Final Verdict:

1: Player fined (fill in amount)

2: Player suspended (fill in length of suspension)
3: Player suspended for (fill in number) majors

4: Player suspended for Ryder Cup

5: Player now required to go to Presidents Cup as Fred Couples’ personal ball washer

The USGA and the Fourth Estate

November 15, 2013 / / 0 Comments

With our golf season largely done now that we’ve had a freeze (some courses are still open but with limited daylight hours it’s hard to find time), I have to say that I managed to play my best golf of the year in September/October. I kept expecting my game to regress, but somehow I kept posting scores of 80 and lower. I’d like to say that I took lessons or had some mental breakthrough, but it came down to putting better and not taking a handful of 3-putts every round (again- no lessons or “oh wait- so I should putt the ball toward the hole” level stuff).

On that note, I have to say that the more I read about the “new” USGA, the less I like. Their inability to adapt bifurication with regard to belly putters is, I suppose, the starting point. As someone who plays other sports, it’s ridiculous to have the NHL govern beer leagues or the NBA try to govern recreational basketball (or at the very least give amateurs a different rulebook). But yet, the USGA waddles about trying to tell double-digit handicappers that they can’t use a belly putter. The “While We’re Young!” campaign was pure folly given that the pace of play at the US Open was glacial (and that’s with every hole having marshals and spotters helping players out). Lastly was the manner in which they handled their new TV contract. It’s “their” contract and they’re free to go to another body (and certainly they’re free to go to the highest bidder). But to make that announcement during the USPGA Championship is, at best, tacky and at worst a move on a par with not repairing divots and ballmarks (making matters worse were Glen Nager’s derogatory comments about NBC). I’ve been a member but I cannot and will not be renewing. To give the USGA another dollar is literally making a deal with the devil. The sooner Glen Nager buggers off the better for the sport.

The other imbroglio involved…wait for it…Tiger Woods who didn’t like Brandel Chamblee’s column about the year in review, and specifically, his comments about Woods’ frequent rules violations. That Woods’ handlers threatened legal action is almost comical. Woods had four rules violations in 2013. This from someone who has stated that he considers himself an expert on the rules. That the 4th estate is still afraid to be critical of His Tigerness is beyond silly (and if Woods can’t handle being criticized he should quit). Unfortunately, the path we’re going down is to where you’re going to have to have rules officials on every hole or with every group and the policing at tournaments will have to be done for the players and not by them. I do think the Tours (PGA and European) have to work out some form of rules change that prevents people calling in rules violations and players being DQ’d the day after. It’s unfortunate that this is where we’re at, but you cannot have players be unaware of a violation, sign for a score, and then be DQ’d because someone called in a violation that the player and his playing partners missed. Woods was bang-on wrong to be critical of Chamblee but you’re going to have to have a better form of policing the game.

Thoughts nobody asked for

May 4, 2013 / / 0 Comments

Finishing up my most recent round (a rather desultory affair) quicker than normal (always a good thing), I decided to stop by the practice green before heading home (putting has always been a challenge for me, and I have the 3-putts to prove it). Which got me thinking.

I grew up watching hockey and this time of year is easily my favourite- the Stanley Cup Playoffs are in full swing, the PGA Tour is going, and the weather is great. It was thinking about hockey (and the thought of being able to play golf this morning and watch a playoff game tonight featuring my beloved Toronto Maple Leafs). I have friends who have kids who play hockey (the cost makes golf seem cheap) and at one point I coached youth hockey in the area (at a program geared toward beginners). The league (and all youth hockey) requires that players wear full face cages and doesn’t allow fighting (and the league I coached didn’t allow body checking). Which led me back to golf, and the current furor over anchoring putters.

Every pro hockey league except the NHL requires players to wear visors, and the NCAA requires full facial protection. Even Canadian major-junior hockey requires visors (they also require the certified visors which are affixed differently than the visors you see in the NHL) and they also require kevlar neck guards and the helmets to have ear flaps. In short, different rules at different playing levels.

But what about football? Different rules. Receivers only have to have one foot in-bounds for a catch, and there’s the whole college football overtime thing. Kickoffs are different as well.

But what about basketball? Games are of different length, players have different numbers of fouls before disqualification, and the number of time-outs per game is different.

Baseball? College baseball uses aluminum/titanium/stealth bomber material bats, and yet, the pros only use wood bats.  So different rules for different levels.

And yet golf, which by every account would like to see the game grow, has its governing bodies trying to force amateurs and casual players to play under the same rules as professionals.  Most of the casual golfers I know are honorable people who play by the rules, but like everyone we have our “circle of trust/friendship” for conceded putts and during early season rounds we’ll play “winter rules” or roll it over in the fairway if it’s in a divot.

I don’t use a long putter (tried one once and hated it)…I’m fully capable of missing putts with my conventional 35-inch model…but if you (or anyone else) wants to use a long putter…have at it.

The dichotomy goes further in golf…the PGA of America has correctly pushed a “tee it forward” in order to have faster rounds.  If we followed the consistency based on the governing bodies we’d all play from the same set of tees.  I’ve had the pleasure of teeing it up at two courses used by the PGA Tour.  I’ve seen the tee boxes they use, and no thank you.  A 502 yard hole is a par 5 for me.  If Messrs Mickelson, Watson, Woods, etc. play that as a par 4 then good on them.

So yes, any events conducted by the R&A or USGA ban anchoring.  The PGA Tour should probably go that route as well along with the European Tour and LPGA Tour.  Casual golfers could then decide for themselves.  There are enough serious golfers who’d want to play using a conventional putter as they have designs on amateur championships.  But for a bunch of my fellow 10-handicappers…let them choose for themselves.   The game is hard enough as it is.  In the end, we play because we enjoy it.  It’s not our job (it’s what I do to escape from the stresses of my job).

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